Daughter hates being with me

[ByHappyKoala]

I (f37) and my dd(11) currently do not have the best of relationships. To put into context, myself and dds dad divorced two years ago, we are amicable and we both prioritise our child. We have both moved on with new partners (my partner lives an hour away so is not very local).

DD and her dad both have a good relationship which I am grateful for. But there are times where he takes things too far (his partners child[5]called him stupid so he threw a toy on the road causing it to break, to which my daughter laughed at) and it's a behaviour I'm disappointed at. However three sides to the story and all that.

DD lives with me, and the second I collect her from her dad's she goes quiet, I try and engage with her, and there's nothing from her. She has also started puberty (quite early on) so her pulling away from me was to be expected but not this early, right? She will sometimes say how much she misses her dad and how fun he is.

I go to great lengths to make sure she never goes without, as any parent would. Any hobbies, events, I've started a new career so it would benefit us in the future. This does include a LOT of studying which I'm trying to fit in as well as working full time. But it's at the stage where she only speaks to me if she wants something. Is that normal?

We had a conversation where she fully believes I love my partner more than her. This broke me as I adore her more than anything and anyone, I have told her this. I even suggested to her we spend more time together, by going on a walk in the evening. I currently am struggling with a bad knee and I'm usually exhausted but I'm willing to go for these walks if it helps us.

Tonight, however, the walk was pointless. She went off ahead, kept back chatting me when I asked her to slow down, accused me of lying about my knee, then she wanted to walk behind me but would be walking slow and would be far from me. We get home, I tried to tell her the reason why we are having these walks but she's absolutely not interested. I've told her to go to bed because as this point, I've given up (this was an hour ago).

I can promise you now, I'm not perfect. With working long (and mentally draining) shifts I do tend to have a short fuse. But I am trying. I don't take out my frustrations out on her, but when I'm trying to hear how her day was and she's not really answering me, it's really hard. She's my absolute world and I would die for her. But if she said she wanted to go live with her dad, I would let her because I have absolutely no idea what to do.

I would appreciate any advice. Or someone to tell me this is normal because then at least I'm not alone in this.

Keep telling her you love her and make time for being silly together.x

This!!!
sorry OP, you’re clearly trying very hard but what strikes me is you seem very stretched and stressed and I’d actually say you are redirecting some of this on your daughter
you need to prioritise being emotionally stable and available energy to genuinely be there and meet your daughter where she is at, not where you would like her to be right now
shes clearly struggling to see where she fits and screaming to be seen as a priority by you
I mean, don’t give yourself too much of a hard time as I’m sure you’re been trying to process your relationship breakdown and move on but rather than getting so busy moving forward I think you’ve accidentally left your little girl behind. All this teen like stroppy behaviour is actually a confused and insecure girl who wants everything to slow down and feel safe for her

Also to add, be very cautious of pinning too much behaviour on hormonally changes. While this is impactful, challenging behaviour around this age is more likely to be linked to new levels of awareness and social pressures to be more grown up. The danger is dismissing behaviour as hormonal rather than supporting them in difficult circumstances

Thank you for those who left some good advice and some kind comments. I think it was just a bad weekend that ended up with me imploding. Over the past couple of days things have improved, and we're spending more time together. Going for a drive in the evening is a great idea!

I think I need to clarify a few points:

• My ex and I split four years ago, and he moved out not long after, then divorced two years later. We have tried to make the transition as smooth as we could for dd's sake, but I understand she was angry and sad. We do have a good friendship and I'm grateful she has a good relationship with her dad.

• The course that I'm studying for is what I'm doing at my new job. Sort of like an apprenticeship I guess. I've spoken to my boss about the situation and it's been agreed that I can study more at work, so I can spend more time with my child in the evenings. Also on my days off and if she's at school or her dad's, I try and do the studying then. Putting it brief, I'm trying not to study when she's with me.

• Believe it or not, we do prioritise our kid. At the end of the day, this was a glimpse of what a bad couple of days looked like. My old job was making me miserable and not making much money. Now I have a job where more money is coming in so I can actually do more things with her. And maybe afford one of her friends to come too 😂

• For those who said I was overbearing and intense, when I start overthinking and worrying more, I suppose to some extent you're correct as I want to get a handle on things. If I'm going to be honest, I am struggling to adapt to her maturing. Its something I'm working on but I do find it hard.

• The walks originally were her idea. When I asked if she wanted to do this, she said yes. I never coerced her into it (especially with my knee, which I only did the walks as that's what I thought she wanted), I'm trying to let her decide on things more. Yesterday morning I mentioned about going for a drive and later in the evening she brought the idea forward. So that's what we did, and she loved it. She wants to do it again tonight 😂

• To the person who put my situation in the same category as the dad watching his daughter in the shower is wild. Don't do that.

Finally, I was in a bad place where I felt lost and like I was letting my child down. The majority of the comments were really helpful, so I'm very grateful to you. The others were rather judgemental and quite frankly I won't be taking them on board.

In a better place now, and DD seems to be too. Roll on the teenage years 🙈