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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband doesn't ancy me any more

32 replies

mad83 · 20/06/2008 20:28

Hi this is my first time, on here. I have been married for 25 years, and thought everything was fine and dandy. Then I got an intuative feeling that all was not well. Anyway I asked him this afternoon if he still wanted me and he said he didn't know!! well my world started to crumble, he said he loves me but doesn't fancy me anymore but doesn't know why. He wants to work it out himself before going to a relate person. I don't know what to do, he says there isn't anyone else, and I beleive me. He is 50 this year and our children are 22,20,12 and 9 he says he wants his freedom. I am so upset

OP posts:

procrastinatingparent · 20/06/2008 20:37

hey, mad83, I'm really sorry to hear that.

I'm not sure I have much to say that could help, but I'm bumping this and hoping someone will have some good advice for you.

smartiejake · 20/06/2008 22:05

3 words.

Mid

Life

Crisis

beeny · 20/06/2008 22:11

I'm afraid i agree with smartiejake not sure how that helps you.You need advice from someone older and wiser.

Orinoco · 20/06/2008 22:12

Message withdrawn

izyboy · 20/06/2008 22:14

Mad, how do you feel about him? Do you 'fancy' him?

sleepycat · 20/06/2008 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsDemeanor · 20/06/2008 22:16

Twat. Has he bought himself a motorbike lately? HOnestly, four kids later and he fancies his freedom, well welcome to the real world mate. How would he like it if you fancied your 'freedom' and buggered off with a 20something leaving him with the kids. Oooh, it makes me so cross, which I know isn't very helpful. Sorry.

smartiejake · 20/06/2008 22:24

It really bugs me when men like this say they want their freedom.

How is it possible to have real freedom with out abandoning your kids?

What would happen if the mum said this?

Public out cry.

Men can just go "boo hoo I want freedom and my own life" while the mother is left at home to pick up the pieces, looking after the children, unable to go out when they want, be the taxi driver, entertain the dcs friends, struggle finacially etc. etc.

Why do some men never grow up?

Sorry I know that doesn't help but I have found myself in a similar situation

izyboy · 20/06/2008 22:26

Right, freedom will probably mean this.

He will lose his security

He will lose the person who cares for him

His kids will lose respect for him

He will begin to wear completely unsuitable clothes

He will drink too much

He will eat food that is bad for him and put on weight

His health will probably suffer..... shall I go on?

It is a fact that men fare much worse than women outside of marriage.

Or he could go to Relate and rekindle the 'passion' in your relationship. I am not even sure what 'fancying' someone means after 25 years of intimacy? Anyone?..

2rebecca · 21/06/2008 11:09

Sometimes you do just stop fancying someone though. I did. Sex then becomes awful and even kissing is unpleasant. I left, and my ex is now with someone who does fancy him, which is great as he's a lovely bloke. I still liked him, just didn't fancy him. No amount of relate will bring the feeling back once it's gone. Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't fancy you?
This is actually about the commonest reason for marriages failing only very few people are honest enough to come out and say it as they don't want to hurt their partner.
As Barbara Streisland sang
"I've got the feeling the feeling's gone, my heart has gone to sleep, one of these mornings I'll be gone, my heart belongs to me."

windygalestoday · 21/06/2008 11:23

devils advocate......

could he possibly bit bored?

your children have been a huge part of your mrried life and there was a bit of a gap - maybe he hs friends whose children are older and they seem to be enjoying life more-maybe hes just darn jealous.

maybe maybe youve become lost in 'mumness' maybe you need to find yourself spend a bit of money(not loads few new tops bit of makeup) on things that make you feel good-men say things that they mean at the time then the wind blows and they want everything back to normaland we womn brood.

my dh ws previously mrried has grown up children from then im 17 years younger we have 3 sons together and dhs friends are all being able to pursue their interests having grown up kids less of a mortgage and i know he felt a bit left behind iyswim?

it took a friend of his to say HE was jealous of my dh having a young family etc etc he told dh hed wsted his childrens lifes away now he was 50 ok his bills were paid his mortgge was nearly through but hed never kicked a football around a pitch,never took his son to a match and as a result he longed for the relationship with his grown up kids that my dh shared already with his teenage son ......he then said to dh 'that woman there is looking at us i might be in there' dh said 'no thats my missus'

dont get mad sad or upset hun get even!!!

windygalestoday · 21/06/2008 11:24

btw my dh was 50 at xmas that was when his insecurity crept in....

Original poster

mad83 · 21/06/2008 14:45

thanks you guys thanks for all the support and advice, today I have spent it crying but then I thought hey no one is going to hurt me like this, I hope we do work it out, I think he should see someone as he dosen't tell me all his feelings which he has admitted to, he had a motorbike when he was 40!!!!!!! dosen't have one now, cycles for 100 miles plus at weekends and I honestly don't mind but he thinks he should be at home with us. still saying he loves me but and thats the bit he doesn't know. I gave him an ultimatetim though in as much as wasn't going to be like a puppet on a string hoping. Life can be so shit can't it? And I don't know what he really means by fancying either, I mean after 25 years I don't go weak at the knees when I see him!!! sex is getting to be a non entity. And it is not for the want of trying but he is always too tired!!!! yes I did laugh at that one. I am so pleased at having some people to talk to as I have no family they are all dead, and I don't want to start telling all my friends really.

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 21/06/2008 15:38

Oh, poor you. I think you are right, he could do with talking to someone. Trouble is, men who don't open up, aren't going to be keen on that

Do you have a life apart from him? I mean, do you go out with your mates, etc or are you stuck in looking after the kids?

yousaidit · 21/06/2008 15:55

Do you think he saw this period of life as seeing all the kids looking after themselves and you two were going to be like the parents in a sitcom where they have their own intellectual entertaining interests, the kids calll in once a day to say hi mum hi dad and so you and dh in theory should be likea young married couple with half of the responsibilities you used to have gone, but esp with your ds4 thats not teh case and he's seeing still being the full time dad as a bit grinding? If so, that's not something he can change, reaklly. My dh is in 40's and we've got 2dc v young, whereas all his mates have got kids in their teens, so we've just got teh big mortgage and young kids wereas all his mates are able to start leaving their kids to go out on a weekend and have thoise historic 'we bought our house 18 years ago for £30k' mortgages, so there seems to be some freedomwith them that we don't have, but we have a great family and its the highs obver the los sometimes you have to weigh up and appreciate. You just need to get your dh to do that!!

pinkmook · 21/06/2008 15:59

mad83 - I reckon the cycling 100 miles per week will be having a massive impact on his sex drive, tiredness and "fancying" you - there's lots of research on this area and he is probably overtraining......just a thought....

TheArmadillo · 21/06/2008 16:08

He is being an arse.

So don't pander to him. Get yourself out and about. Take up a new hobby you;ve always wanted to do, get some new clothes and make up, arrange at least one evening a week out for you (in exchange for him going out at the weekend). Make sure you split childcare and chores 50/50.

Show him the person he's loosing, not the mother, not the wife, but you. Show him you at your best, show him how you can cope.

And get stuff out of it for you. Get time to yourself and boost your self esteem.

He wants to work this out for himself, then let him, but don't put your life on hold for him.

windygalestoday · 21/06/2008 17:24

TheArmadillo on Sat 21-Jun-08 16:08:12
He is being an arse.

Show him the person he's loosing, not the mother, not the wife, but you. Show him you at your best, show him how you can cope.

And get stuff out of it for you. Get time to yourself and boost your self esteem.

He wants to work this out for himself, then let him, but don't put your life on hold for him.

THE ARMADILLO SPEAKS SENSE

waffletrees · 21/06/2008 17:33

I agree with armidillo.

Take care of yourself adn do not put YOUR life on hold.

Elasticwoman · 21/06/2008 21:59

I wonder if the problem could be with his libido and he finds it easier to blame you than face up to the fact. I think he should go to the GP. Some one else said he could be over-training; also there could be a medical problem.

It was heartless of him to say what he did, though.

ToughDaddy · 21/06/2008 22:50

Guys- unlikely to be over-training. Keeping fit should have the opposite effect! Good idea to taqke the initiative by agreeing some practical split of responsibilities and then take up some new interests including sport/gym.

dittany · 21/06/2008 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sallyforth · 21/06/2008 22:57

errrm yes ToughDaddy but I had always understood that lots of cycling had disproportionate effects on the, er, testosterone-producing organs....

bonio · 21/06/2008 23:36

God I wish I knew the answer to this

Original poster

mad83 · 22/06/2008 13:42

Hi everyone, thought things seemed abit better this morning went for a long walk with the girls and the dogs, then I told him I thought the world of him, and he just said I know you do , when I asked if he did he said no not at the moment. I don't know what to do, cried again hiding it from the girls, then I thought NO you aren't going to hurt me like this you bastard!!!(sorry) I feel like I am waiting for him to decide to stay with me or not, I can't do it, My eldest son who his 22 just came round with his girlfriend and her 3 yr old Morgan to play with my two and he asked how I was and I burst into tears and off loaded most of it on him. I shouldn't done but I feel so alone I honestly don't know what to do, should I just act as if nothing has happened and not bring the subject up again as he is speaking to me okay , but all the time in my mind I am thinking well things aren't okay cos he doesn't love as much as he did. The thing is which I haven't told you guys is that I have Multiple sclerosis, I have had it for 11 years and I still can walk, still work part time I am a nurse, but I can't walk as far as I used to, I haven't had a relapse for 18months now, after some new treatment. But he says the MS has alot to do with it, and he changed after this last 4 months as I slipped a disc and was bad for 4 months but am ok now and I am going back to work next week, then he'll be moaning if I work a weekend because then he can't go cycling all day because of child care and although Rowanne is perfectly capable while I am in bed (I work nights)he says they are his responisbility . Now I am writing all this down I am actually getting quite mad. We do 50/50 chores anyway.God this is like an epic novel!!!!LOLthe support I AM getting is brilliant

OP posts:

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