Partner works constantly, avoids discussion, and I feel trapped in marriage

[Pissedoffwithitall1]

I'm so fed up of it all. My partner's work is so all consuming and with random things appearing at short notice all the time that I never feel able to plan or properly supported. We keep going through cycles where I get to the pinnacle of what I can stand, we argue, he won't discuss anything in any meaningful way, I can't see a way through and it just dissipates until the next time. Nothing is ever resolved. He's been working doing overnighters in his office this weekend, only letting me know last minute he's staying late then walks in at midday and leaves again a couple of hours later with no exact time of return given. I feel that's unreasonable, he feels he's slogging his guts out for his family.

There are so many issues but he won't discuss any of them. We haven't had sex in over 7 years. This wasn't a mutual decision and the sex was good at the beginning. We've only been together 10 years and it just disappeared of a cliff edge almost as soon as we got married. Further to the upset of not having a sex life is that he will not discuss it, any time I've tried he makes a joke of it and that's that. His first wife cheated on him, which he talks about and the pain of it still almost 20 years later. Alongside the refusal to dicuss our own sex life. So we don't do it, we don't talk about why we don't do it but I'm constantly reminded about what an awful experience it was for him to be cheated on. So basically, don't do it elsewhere.

He works endlessly, making it hard to plan. I feel isolated as it's hard to maintain friendships when we have a child to look after. Parenting defaults to me to the degree I only arrange meet ups in nursery time (not that many friendships have survived a weekday lunch meet up once pr twice a year unfortunately). This further impacts, as the nursery time was intended for me to work in but is so consistently taken up by anything I can't do with my son in tow that work output is minimal. Evenings and weekends he is so sporadically around that I can't rely on that time for appointments, exercise, socialising, or unfettered ability to do chores without also having to entertain a child, dog walks, helping elderly parents, and anything else that shouldn't be impinging on my work time, but ultimately does.

I thought things might get better time wise once my son starts school but seeing as it just adds a few extra hours to my time without him I can see that's not going to be the case, at least not for a long time.

It's proving impossible to get my work going again in any meaningful way, so I'm currently financially dependent. I feel utterly trapped. I've got to the point I want to leave because the arguments around the same issues are never solved, never even addressed from his side. It's torturous to be unheard all the time. Life is continuous tedium with nothing to look forward to.

Something that happened a couple of years ago when I was ill has also made me look at him in a completely different light. When I married him, obviously I thought we were meant for each other and loved him, but the way he acts especially in the light of what happened, means I no longer believe that and am starting to completely resent him.

We haven't had a night out together for us as a couple in over 5 years. It feels absurd even typing that but he will not even discuss it, let alone rectify it when it comes up. However he'll pepper conversations with ideas of exciting things, both in terms of my career and our social life, but they never materialise and it's gone from feeling hopeful to feeling hollow and manipulative because it's happened so often over the years.

I swing between feeling hopeless and feeling furious. I worry about my son and the impact of such a terrible relationship template on him, but also the impact splitting up would have. And of how on earth I would navigate a split in financial terms. I'm getting low and don't know how to navigate this.

I just wanted to come back with an update, a record for myself as much as anything.

Things blew up again. He's been out of the house since Wednesday and I've stayed firm in asking him to give me space.

I have been looking at my own needs and trying to do so without immediately feeling selfish. I've also managed to refrain from reacting both in anger or with empathy to his texts. Because either starts the cycle again.

What I've noticed in his texts is reference to how all of this is impacting him. There's no reference at all to me. It's as if I don't exist. Which, to all intents and purposes in this marriage, I don't. Other than to keep things going at home. I am getting clarity that it is very unlikely that my needs will ever be met by him.

In his absence, this one, where I'm not endlessly waiting and know I'm not expecting him back, I feel much calmer, more focused and able to think. I've been more productive and kinder to myself in terms of what I can reasonably achieve at the moment. I'm connecting better with my son, holding boundaries which I realise I'd gone floppy on because I'm constantly trying to overcompensate for the absence of his dad.

I can feel my nervous system reseting.

I'm still slipping into feeling he's doing things deliberately and manipulatively but I'm not reacting immediately and can bring myself back to centre on what my own needs are and how to fulfil them. There's a new understanding that's the only way I'll solve this.

I've called a financial advisor today. I sent an enquiry to a solicitor but not had a response so will follow that up. I think I'm on the right path and doing quite well. I've stuck with my pilates class as it's giving me so much at the moment. I've tried to connect with friends and set up meet ups, not with any background on what's happening, just to feel more connected.

I've been so low in this cycle so many times. I feel something shifting this time and I hope I can hold onto it. I'm not exactly sure how it goes with him coming home. I'm realising I will need time to organise a way forward. On the horizon, and feeling a little less daunting, will be looking for a job. If I can last here with him to get my son into school and myself established in a job that would be the best for our future. I know that won't be easy because he'll think it's us falling back into me giving support and him taking everything. It will need iron resolve to keep going in that dynamic. My instinct is if he senses I'm disconnecting emotionally he'll make things difficult for me.

Looking at all his texts since he's been gone it's obvious he will never acknowledge his part. I know it's not useful to try and attached labels but I'm now hesitant to do couples counselling with him. There's a sense that he's swaying between pushing me to feel empathy for him, so we go back to me suppressing all my needs whilst supporting his. Or trying to pull me back into argument. Not really overt but they could trigger me if I let them. And nowhere any reflection or empathy for me. Nothing mutual. It feels beyond someone who is suddenly going to start doing the work in therapy and it unsettles me that he's now suggested it, after years of rejecting the idea if I put it forward. I've said I'm going to do some solo counselling first and that's something else I need to arrange.

For anyone else reading this who has found themselves in a situation where you start to lose yourself in a relationship and feel like your world has shrunk, don't feel bad if you don't change everything straight away. Take small steps to make yourself more robust, keep focusing on what your needs are and how you can meet them yourself, even in seemingly small ways.

It's been quite a terrifying place to be and fear paralyses. A lot of this advice on this thread has been so encouraging, which I'm really thankful for. I often see LTB, 'why are you still with him?' as replies on MN to what can feel, on the inside, profoundly complex emotional and practical circumstances that took a long time to develop and aren't necessarily clear to the person inside them. It may take a number of attempts to leave a situation that erodes you precisely because your agency has been weakened over time. The level of constant emotional vigilance is utterly exhausting for one thing. Finding some sense of inner peace with the reality of where I am is proving to be the first effective step for me.

Keep on going OP, one step at a time, you’re doing brilliantly to have a grip of this. I suspect he is now for counselling because he may feel that he is losing control. I also suspect that your instincts are right, counselling with him won’t work - but solo counselling may be very valuable for you. And it’s a great idea to tread water for a while, get your ducks in a row, get into the school year, get that job and leaving will be manageable. When you started on this, you were overwhelmed. If you leave, I doubt you will feel that, but it takes time to get there.

you Might find it useful to download all the messages and then ask an AI bot to evaluate the dynamic in them.

you know anyway what the dynamic is, but it will pick out some specific examples.

I've been running everything through chatgpt before answering, which is kind of bad outsourcing, but it's helping me remain calm and steady on boundaries so far. He's still not home, I need space.

He says he's arranged counselling but the soonest possible time isn't until the beginning of June. He's asked me today for a timeframe of the separation so he's not kept in limbo (the irony!) Which chatgtp keeps giving vague responses to send back on, which is driving him mad and making him refer to the unfairness of things being done to him over and over. Still not the slightest iota of reflection.

I do feel I'll need to arrange an actual date for a conversation that leads to him coming back, because I need to sort out things materially and I can imagine he'll get fed up of it if it takes too long. The only thing I need is to be strong enough to keep on track, it's unseeable now that there's no consideration of me at all, and I don't want to disappear into that damaging dynamic again.

I will attempt (having done so so may times before we got to separation) to arrange a meet up for next week with him to discuss what we think about practicalities and him moving back. I mean the truth of it is he's here so little that as long as my mind shift isn't eroded and I keep reaching out for social contact, practical and financial advice I shouldn't encounter him too much. It is though, thoroughly exhausting. His messages document the utter and unwavering levels of self involvement and lack of empathy.

I'm not really new agey but on looking at my own part in this I've had some quite profound revelations and now am seeing metaphors and symbols of it everywhere. There was a bit in a cartoon my son was watching where a female superhero was shrunk and trapped in a bottle by a baddie. She was distressed because the bottle was too small to magic herself back to size. Then she had a flash of inspiration - to grow the bottle first.

That's where I think I'm at now, growing the bottle before I get out.