What helped when your marriage reached its most difficult stage?

[Bluestofblue]

Looking for advice. Been with dh 25 years. Have one teen dc. Been through a lot together obviously.

right now things are the worst they’ve ever been between us. There’s no cheating but it feels like we’ve both checked out a bit. And we’re both feeling hurt and unrecognised. i also think it’s a midlife thing - what do we do now that dc doesn’t need us as much, work is a grind and it’s clear that a lot of our youthful ambitions won’t come to pass?

i think we both love each other. But I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t know how to find a way back. We just keep rowing and hurting each other.

My question is - what did you do when your marraige was going through its worst stage? we can’t really afford counselling but is that the obvious next step?

Counselling is cheaper than divorce.

Do you allocate time to spend together and have fun together?

Good point.

no, he doesn’t want to do anything like go out or spend time with me. I think he feels like I don’t give him enough attention at home.

Could you each organise a date for the other and try and put a lot of thought and care into it? Make the other feel special.

If you want to make it better and not break up, then just try to listen to what he’s saying when you row and why he is unhappy and really hear him and do what he’s asking you to do - make a real conscious effort. That might get you some reciprocal kindness and understanding back.

What helped me the most was divorce. It takes two to make a marriage work and you trying and getting nothing back is pointless. It’ll end up there anyway if you don’t want to try counselling, so cut your losses and leave. I was much happier on my own and this constant arguing is no way to live.

Having a baby contrary to popular opinion. I wouldn't recommend it normally. We'd just had some very sad years and the baby helped us to reset.

Counselling. It may or may not work, but it is your best chance. And if you do split up, it can help you split more amicably and minimise the harm to you and dc. I know it seems expensive, but you really can't afford not to.

Stop arguing?
Why are you hurting each other?
If you are repeating the same arguments then they haven't been resolved or one/both of you have built up resentment.

He won’t organise a date. But the listening advice is really good advice, thank you. I do often run straight to feeling aggrieved and don’t properly listen

Yes it’s definitely building up a lot of resentment.
i think if either of us knew how to stop we would

Ok I think the consensus is we need to try counselling!
from those who have done this - how do you find a good counsellor?

We prioritised having fun together. Spending positive time together.

Our most difficult period was caused mainly by external stuff. We both had a lot of issues growing up. Over a significant period of time and we both did therapy separately and not at the same time actually a couple of years apart.

Actually learning about ourselves helped us to communicate our personal needs and wants. We addressed our own personal issues and were then able to reconnect.

We started going for a walk in the evenings. At the time he was a bit faster than me, and I walk at that pace and talk at the same time. It wasn’t a problem, because I wanted the exercise. But as a result, he was doing most of the talking. The less I said, the more he talked and the more he shared, the more connected he felt to me.

Since then I’ve found that creating a space for dh to just have a good long monologue seems to do him a world of good. More so than if I’m supportively and encouragingly part of the conversation. He’s a perfectly good, decent man otherwise and very much an equal, respectful partner, and he actively seeks out and values my opinion, so I’m not reading anything bad into it. I just think it’s a verbal processing difference between us.

It turned things around for us at a point where our connection was drifting a bit. Cost nothing.

Does a church near to you run The Marriage Course? It's for anyone (not just Christians). Each week a different topic is covered: resolving conflict, money, parents and in-laws, sex, different communication styles etc.

We did it at the same time as a few other couples but there was absolutely no group work, I don't think we actually spoke to any of the other couples as it was all set up with tables for two in the church so we just sat at ours. It cost about £50 but that included dinner every week (with wine!) so extremely cheap for what it was!

But - what does he mean that you don't give him enough attention at home? If that's an issue then why in earth would he turn down date nights out? Does he mean sex, or are you doing all of the chores and this exhausted? What's going on with that comment?

One of our issues is that dh has health anxiety disorder that means he can’t ever plan or know on advance how he is going to feel. It means that when he’s in the mood to talk or spend time together I’m expected to be suddenly ‘ready’, even if I’m busy, working, doing housework etc. meanwhile if I try to schedule something in then he feels I’m being inflexible and don’t empathise with his needs. He feels like I’m not sensitive enough to his problems (don’t listen to his latest symptoms etc) and I feel totally burnt out from working full time and doing the majority at home.

My marriage has been the same for 2 years, since DH has had MH problems. He has quit his job and I WFH and we barely speak. Frankly I don't want to go on dates etc as I just think we have nothing to say to each other. We don't speak really about much at all. My plan is to speak to Mind about relationship counselling, but I think for me anyway, it will be with a view to amicable separation. However I'm my case, I am expecting to still have to do some form of caring as we have children, but I would like my own space and for him to know he has to sort himself out. I feel the whole marriage is enabling, so he doesn't really have to make any effort to help himself because everything is still done by me. I'm the same as you. I'm 'not sensitive to his problems' because frankly, I've got enough on my plate holding everything together at home and I'm not a counsellor or therapist.

@Notachristmaself similar situation. I’m sorry you’re in this place

Relate offer counselling
https://www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do/counselling/relationship-counselling

I went to speak to Mind today about this. They put me on the waiting list for Relate. Its a year long!! Basically they said it's unreasonable in my situation to expect me to sit around for a year, so I'm going to have to sort it out myself!(Helpful) although they were actually quite helpful and offered me some individual counselling. OP If its the same where you are, just get on the waiting list and see I would say, because you don't want to reach crisis point and then have to wait around.

Are there any courses you would enjoy (and which your husband might fancy too)? Eg painting, dancing, bridge, board games, church, theatre, new language, new pet, walks following a book of ten, anything different or new at all?

I’m sorry OP, but I don’t have a great success story to share. My ex‑husband and I kept running into dead ends, arguing about small things, never resolving anything. For him, having regular sex meant everything was “fine,” which made no sense to me. I needed emotional connection, and I couldn’t be intimate with someone who was constantly arguing with me.

I kept trying to talk things through, but every conversation went nowhere. I suggested therapy over and over, not because I thought it would magically fix us, but because I hoped having a third person in the room would help us actually express ourselves. He avoided it for years and eventually told me outright that he didn’t want to talk to a stranger about his personal life.

I ended up going alone, and about a year later we separated. Therapy helped me understand my own feelings. It gave me language for what I was experiencing, things like patterns of abuse or narcissistic behaviour, and that was a huge relief, because so much of what was happening made no sense to me at the time.

I’m not saying your husband is abusive or a narcissist. But therapy, with or without him, might help you sort through what’s going on and get some clarity. Good luck!💐

Nothing will improve things unless he wants to change as much as you, and you are both willing to compromise. Ie you would both accept you are responsible for what’s going wrong and both change something about yourself, however difficult you might find that, in order to stay married. Are you both up for that?

For DH and me what worked was both of us adjusting our medication (my HRT, his anxiety meds), a real deep current of wanting to be together, and solo therapy for me.

Life is all about experiencing awe. So experience it together.

Find some Scottish mountains, a sunset, the northern lights, go stargazing during a meteor shower etc

Thats what we did. We also got a little fire pit for the garden, loads of blankets, and now love sitting out for a cosy chit chat as the sun goes down.

Go back to human basics.

Before this we were on separate ends of the sofa scrolling all evening! Not talking

Hi OP
I put in another thread recently what helped turn a marriage around for me so here's a link. 26 year relationship. It may help...
Link

I would just like to add that although both partner do need to come on board and make changes eventually, you CAN start making changes on your own initially.

This is a lot more empowering than the game of waiting for the other person to change and often very effective in shifting the dynamic.

Reciprocated forgiveness, humility and listening to understand what they are feeling and to be felt heard. He is a grumpy shit and I can be a moaning bitch... Mostly we rub along because we realise our frustrations aren't caused by each other but by our own actions or lack of. We have learnt to cheer each other along. I still snark at his inability to put a plate in the dishwasher and he hates my snoring... But in the greater scheme of things he is ok ... And who else will laugh at my crap jokes and ranty monologues.