What helped when your marriage reached its most difficult stage?

[Bluestofblue]

Looking for advice. Been with dh 25 years. Have one teen dc. Been through a lot together obviously.

right now things are the worst they’ve ever been between us. There’s no cheating but it feels like we’ve both checked out a bit. And we’re both feeling hurt and unrecognised. i also think it’s a midlife thing - what do we do now that dc doesn’t need us as much, work is a grind and it’s clear that a lot of our youthful ambitions won’t come to pass?

i think we both love each other. But I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t know how to find a way back. We just keep rowing and hurting each other.

My question is - what did you do when your marraige was going through its worst stage? we can’t really afford counselling but is that the obvious next step?

@PineConeOrDogPoo absolutely... You can only change you. Make yourself happy and you change how you see other people and they react to that. You cannot change other people only they can do that.

@Bluestofblue , what helped us tremendously was deciding not to address any conflict straight away but to wait until a scheduled time (for us first thing the next morning) to discuss any issues we had. Importantly we also used this time to talk about what we had been really pleased with. This meant that our ‘conflicts’ became focused on resolution and we focused on the positive.

We had a huge row, and a very tearful conversation, and we were both on the brink of saying ‘fuck this’ and we both were afraid the other was going to call it a day. We went for a long walk and had a gentle conversation about how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives, and what we needed to do to make that happen. We both really listened to one another and agreed things that we would each do to help us achieve it. I think the walking, the calmer tones, not looking at each other while we were speaking (so not getting upset with eye rolls or hurt or angry reactions), really helped us speak honestly. DH is not doing some talking therapy to help him with a few communication issues that were significantly contributing to our problems.

It’s not been easy but things are much better. In short, it took us getting to the brink before we were both ready to talk and really listen.

look into Marriage Care. DH and I had marriage counselling with them - they are amazing. There is no fee. They are a charity and you donate what you can per session. They can also offer individual counselling if your DH isn’t interested

I read a book, it was a long time ago but I think it was called something like, How to save your marriage without talking about it.

We had got into a negative cycle in the way we reacted to each other and after reading the book I changed the way I behaved towards him, it made me realise that we weren't in competition.

He responded positively and I am kinder to him in general, less point scoring. We were tired , the children were young, life was tough for a while but we always loved each other.

Wholeheartedly agree.
Working on myself, recognising where I was not being who I wanted to be, a hefty dose of HRT. As he started to see me change and grow, he started to shift too.

Yes! Patricia Love, she is fabulous.
A lot of men and probably some women too don't bond over talking endlessly over "problems".

It sounds like he is the problem tbh. Everything has to be on his terms. Your posts are full of what he ‘won’t do’. Unfortunately you can’t save your marriage alone. Maybe time for a harsher talk/ ultimatum about what you need and want.

We found a good relationship counsellor though word of mouth, but he worked for Relate.
You should book the sessions and attend them alone even if dh doesn’t come. You might find it very helpful anyway but if the session’s there anyway he can choose to attend when he’s feeling well enough.
His health anxiety sounds like a big problem and he should perhaps be looking at sorting that independently of relationship counseling.