Single mum wondering how to meet someone decent later on

[TinyToess]

This feels a bit exposing to write, but here goes.
I’m a single mum and, if I’m honest, I’ve never really liked it. I know some people do and that’s genuinely great for them, but I’ve always found it hard and quite lonely at times.
I think what I struggle with most is just doing everything on my own. Not even in a dramatic way, just the constant pressure of it all there’s no one to share the load with, no one to tag in when you’re exhausted, no one to just be there for you.

I see other single mums (especially online) who have met new partners and found a bit more balance again, and I can’t help wondering how they’ve done it. I’d really like that too, but I feel completely stuck on how you actually meet someone decent.
I haven’t even tried the apps if I’m honest the whole thing just feels a bit intimidating and not really “me” and from what I hear it’s not exactly great anyway. So I feel a bit stuck before I’ve even started.

Has anyone been in this position and managed to meet someone lovely later on? Where do you even find normal, genuine men these days, especially when you’ve got kids and not much spare time?
I’m not after perfection, just someone to share life with so it doesn’t all feel quite so relentless.
Please be kind, I know this won’t resonate with everyone, but I’m just being honest about how I feel.

No not at all! Just wanted to clarify it certainly isnt all about loving yourself 😊

There’s a few single parents groups in my area. Has anyone tried one of these and met anyone?
I assume dating another parent normally means they’ll understand more re: childcare issues.

Ah well that makes things a bit easier then! I'm a lone parent too but mine are toddlers so there's just no dating for me in any meaningful way!

I would suggest hobby groups where you can do something you enjoy while meeting people in real life. I know a few people who've met their other halves at walking groups or similar, or joining classes at their local gym etc. Similarly volunteering in their community. A lot of my friends have also met through OLD as well. It's not all awful but I would say you do need to be pretty ruthless with what you give time to because the ones who are a waste of space stay in the dating system and the good ones will get snapped up and disappear. It just takes a bit more weeding through I think. Being open with friends that you'd like to start to date and ask them to think about if they/ their husbands have any nice friends they could make an introduction to.

I think really it's just making a really conscious decision that you're going to put yourself out there and be friendly and start conversations.

Yea I’ve been single since mine were little (I think my posts makes it sound recent which wasnt intended) and I had no one to watch them so it just wasn’t possible. Now they are older i am at a place where they don’t need child care thankfully as I would never have been comfortable leaving them with sitters. All the groups near me seem to be sports related which just isnt my thing, I might have to just give OLD a go.

I did meet people when I was doing intense single parenting. My cynical learning point from it, looking back, is that it’s easy to fall for people who seem unlike your ex and also seem ‘kind’. However I did manage to acquire a couple of long relationships over that time with men who were probably really ‘looking for a mum’. And thinking back over it, they had dated other single mums. That may just be circumstantial, but I think it’s worth actively avoiding acquiring a man-child in the process of dating in these circumstances. Many of us become very competent at life as single mums and that may attract a certain type of man who turns out to be a dead weight rather than really ‘helping’ and adding to quality of life. I think I was so keen not to appear ‘needy’ I attracted men who added little to my life really.

The single mums I follow seem to have got really lucky, one has 4 kids and met someone with no kids and married, one has 2 kids and met someone again with no kids and just got married.

I hate this, as soon as a single mum even considers herself in any small way some one pops up with “the children, the children, doesn’t anyone think of the children?”. I didn’t see any hint of the children not being considered in the OP. Single mums have their own life and the vast majority put their children first in every single aspect of their lives, but are allowed to consider themselves too, it actually us a good thing for the children, not to have a martyr for a mother.

Thank you! So do I, no one seems to judge the men that abandon their kids and go off to live a single care free life, but the mother should stay single till their 18 and “think about the kids” 🙄 I’d like happiness too!

There are no guarantees of finding someone and even if you do, that they will bring happiness. The only guarantee is to do things which bring you happiness now and maybe someone will turn up.

Don't be ridiculous. That's an incredibly adult, self-serving spin on it. So many people trying to convince themselves that it's 'good for the children'. Jesus. Give me a break. 🙄

Yes, in a minority of cases, it might be good for the child if they've had a woefully bad example of a father, or they're really struggling financially, but other than that another adult moving into their home is something that's foisted upon them or something they're guilt-tripped into.

Yes it's really shitty. There's nothing fair about it, but even if the father has indeed run off to live a single life, what's best for the kids emotionally remains unchanged by what is or isn't fair for their primary parent. My concern is more to do with situations whereby the other adult becomes a more regular & permanent fixture of a child's life.

I'd say most children don't want to spend their holidays or Christmas with a random man they don't care about and who isn't related to them. Again, that may be unfair, but I can sympathise with why they'd feel like that and how it can be very destabalising.

In my sisters case she met a fabulous man who really does treat her dd as his own. He's a good role model for her and that's been important since her own dad was an abusive pos.

Why shouldn't the children of single mums be able to find positive male role models?

The key is taking your time with it and making sure you really know someone before even considering introducing them let alone moving them in.

I think sometimes there's an assumption that we single mums are just desperate to move a man in after a month and have zero concept of why that might be risky.

Many single mums are single mums because they've been proactive in safeguarding their children and have already removed them from harmful men. So why people think this always needs to be spelt out when a single mum even considers dating is beyond me.

A single father wouldn't get the same responses even though middle aged women are statistically quite likely to be predatory...

"I'd say most children don't want to spend their holidays or Christmas with a random man they don't care about and who isn't related to them"

And also surely this depends on the effort made to build a relationship with them over time and at the child's pace.

You sound exactly like my sister and how she feels. I wish I knew but every single man I know doesn’t want kids and the ones who want kids are all taken!

Hey just wanted to say you're not alone. I split with my son's dad when he was 3. I focused the first 3 years on finding my feet, stability for us and being in a good place. When I felt ready I did online dating and met a lovely man after 3 months. We've been together 18 months now, he also has a child the same age as mine. Its different dating when you have children, also my first time. We now spend days out with the four of us. Me and him spend quality time on the weekends our children are with their dad/mum. We also have our first holiday together coming up soon.

So you never know whats round the corner, have a positive and abundant mindset x