Single mum wondering how to meet someone decent later on

OneShyQuail · 30/04/2026 22:23

TinyToess · 30/04/2026 22:01

This feels a bit exposing to write, but here goes.
I’m a single mum and, if I’m honest, I’ve never really liked it. I know some people do and that’s genuinely great for them, but I’ve always found it hard and quite lonely at times.
I think what I struggle with most is just doing everything on my own. Not even in a dramatic way, just the constant pressure of it all there’s no one to share the load with, no one to tag in when you’re exhausted, no one to just be there for you.

I see other single mums (especially online) who have met new partners and found a bit more balance again, and I can’t help wondering how they’ve done it. I’d really like that too, but I feel completely stuck on how you actually meet someone decent.
I haven’t even tried the apps if I’m honest the whole thing just feels a bit intimidating and not really “me” and from what I hear it’s not exactly great anyway. So I feel a bit stuck before I’ve even started.

Has anyone been in this position and managed to meet someone lovely later on? Where do you even find normal, genuine men these days, especially when you’ve got kids and not much spare time?
I’m not after perfection, just someone to share life with so it doesn’t all feel quite so relentless.
Please be kind, I know this won’t resonate with everyone, but I’m just being honest about how I feel.

I totally understand where you are coming from. It is relentless being a single parent. I was for a good while with a nearly 2 year old and 7 year old.

My biggest advice would be to get yourself to a point where you are fulfilled by yourself and your children. Make sure you have hobbies, take time out for yourself and have a good reliable set of friends around you. Yes you may not be able to get out much if you always have your children, but you can still have a network behind you and take time to do things for yourself when they are in bed.

Think of things youd love to do with your children and look forward to saving and doing those. Invest in them fully and invest in yourself because you honestly never know when youll meet someone, so dont "wait" around not living in the meantime.

Also, even if you do meet someone, it would be a long time before you involved them with yoir children, more so to be at a point where you can fully "tag them in" that indicates a very established relationship with you and with your children.

The most fulfilling and happy relationships come when both parties are at a place of contentment within their own lives. They are not relying ok someone else for their happiness. They dont need someone.

When you do look to date, make sure your boundaries and standards are high and keep to them. Dont settle. Wait for the person who brings value to your life.
Please dont do OLD if you aren't strong and willing to take the knock backs. Its bloody savage out there!

It can happen. I met my DP when I was not expecting it or looking. Id done some OLD for a while on and off (after 2.5 years of being totally single and healing) and had some succeses but nothing long term. Couldn't be arsed with the inane chatting at 8pm when kids were in bed, I wanted to do other things. So I came off OLD and cracked on with life.
Met my DP in the wild.....and 18 months in i can honestly say its the most fulfilling relationship ive ever been in. Im 40 btw. Was convinced my time was done after my break up! So never say never! Good luck 🫶

GeorgeA12 · 30/04/2026 22:23

Hi I asked this from a guys perspective on here. I was told take up new clubs mainly, but it's hard when you have little time left from parenting.

Original poster

TinyToess · 30/04/2026 22:55

OneShyQuail · 30/04/2026 22:23

I totally understand where you are coming from. It is relentless being a single parent. I was for a good while with a nearly 2 year old and 7 year old.

My biggest advice would be to get yourself to a point where you are fulfilled by yourself and your children. Make sure you have hobbies, take time out for yourself and have a good reliable set of friends around you. Yes you may not be able to get out much if you always have your children, but you can still have a network behind you and take time to do things for yourself when they are in bed.

Think of things youd love to do with your children and look forward to saving and doing those. Invest in them fully and invest in yourself because you honestly never know when youll meet someone, so dont "wait" around not living in the meantime.

Also, even if you do meet someone, it would be a long time before you involved them with yoir children, more so to be at a point where you can fully "tag them in" that indicates a very established relationship with you and with your children.

The most fulfilling and happy relationships come when both parties are at a place of contentment within their own lives. They are not relying ok someone else for their happiness. They dont need someone.

When you do look to date, make sure your boundaries and standards are high and keep to them. Dont settle. Wait for the person who brings value to your life.
Please dont do OLD if you aren't strong and willing to take the knock backs. Its bloody savage out there!

It can happen. I met my DP when I was not expecting it or looking. Id done some OLD for a while on and off (after 2.5 years of being totally single and healing) and had some succeses but nothing long term. Couldn't be arsed with the inane chatting at 8pm when kids were in bed, I wanted to do other things. So I came off OLD and cracked on with life.
Met my DP in the wild.....and 18 months in i can honestly say its the most fulfilling relationship ive ever been in. Im 40 btw. Was convinced my time was done after my break up! So never say never! Good luck 🫶

Edited

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Thank you, this is really good advice, I won’t be rushing into anything ive actually been a single parent for many years but just keep wondering when I will find my happy ending!

OP posts:

OneShyQuail · 30/04/2026 23:10

TinyToess · 30/04/2026 22:55

Thank you, this is really good advice, I won’t be rushing into anything ive actually been a single parent for many years but just keep wondering when I will find my happy ending!

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Its out there 🫶 just dont put your life on hold looking 👀

Original poster

TinyToess · 30/04/2026 23:19

GeorgeA12 · 30/04/2026 22:23

Hi I asked this from a guys perspective on here. I was told take up new clubs mainly, but it's hard when you have little time left from parenting.

Yeah I’ve heard this one before but I don’t know if many men my age would be in clubs? They’d probably all be in sports related ones which is not something I’m interested in 😂

OP posts:

EarthSight · 30/04/2026 23:29

But would this be good for your child? Haven't seen any mention of them and how they would feel in your post. It's one thing to have a boyfriend, and it's another to move in a total stranger that's unrelated to your child into their home, something I feel which is much overlooked in these conversations.

Original poster

TinyToess · 30/04/2026 23:39

EarthSight · 30/04/2026 23:29

But would this be good for your child? Haven't seen any mention of them and how they would feel in your post. It's one thing to have a boyfriend, and it's another to move in a total stranger that's unrelated to your child into their home, something I feel which is much overlooked in these conversations.

Oh dear thats a bit of a rush I won’t be jumping to move anyone in but I also am not looking for a fwb or casual partner but that wouldn’t be something happening any time soon!

OP posts:

FloydPink · 30/04/2026 23:56

TinyToess · 30/04/2026 23:19

Yeah I’ve heard this one before but I don’t know if many men my age would be in clubs? They’d probably all be in sports related ones which is not something I’m interested in 😂

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The issue with clubs and hobbies etc... is that you have to be super lucky to get a relationship from it. Yes, some will, but I would treat that as a bonus.

At a club/hobby let's say there are 30 members, say half are male & female. So 15 potential. But how many of those are in a relationship, quite possibly 10 at least. Then of the 5 left (no idea how old you are), 2 are old enough to be your dad, one is gay, one is just a bit weird etc...

Dont rule out OLD. It can be fun! Yes, there will be married men wanting FWB, or idiots who send inappropriate pics. But there will also be men, like you, single, who want to be in a relationship and who probably have kids too.

Go with it at YOUR pace. Yes, I do tend to go at things at 90mph and do things quicker than most, but some IMO go far to slow. If it feels right and your instinct is good then go for it!

Puddleduck2013 · Yesterday 00:00

Which dating sites are the best for meeting someone sincere and genuine? I’ve heard so many horror stories I’m too scared to even try

TheThingOnTheIce · Yesterday 06:23

Puddleduck2013 · Yesterday 00:00

Which dating sites are the best for meeting someone sincere and genuine? I’ve heard so many horror stories I’m too scared to even try

I found Hinge to be the better one.

paintedpanda · Yesterday 06:39

I was you a good few years ago. I hated being a single mum and all the advice was “work on yourself, love yourself, go to clubs and you’ll meet someone”. Honestly, I didn’t hate myself, so I’m not sure what loving myself looked like other than what I was doing. Or the ones who would say “god I wish I was single, my husband drives me mad!” It was always the same crappy advice from people who had long term partners. The ones who never felt that stinging loneliness when the kids are tucked up in bed at 7pm and you consider going to bed yourself so you don’t have to face the evening alone again.

I tried OLD and it was crap. As a single parent you don’t have a lot of time to go on dates because, as everyone will remind you, “it’s a numbers game, it might take 30 dates before you find someone worthwhile”. Like yeah, who has 30 nights free from being a single parent?! (Same goes for joining clubs). Often, OLD is a lot of the dregs too. Not always, every now and then you find a diamond, but mostly crap.

Then you get the “well, it isn’t good for your child to be bringing home different men or blending families”. No, it’s not, but I doubt that’s what you’ll be doing… bringing random men into your home to shag while your kid is in the next room. And are these people (who probably have long term partners…) expecting you to wait until your child is moved out before you’re allowed to meet someone and have a little bit of happiness? I know my children were much happier when I was happy after I’d met my now husband.

Honestly, I don’t have a lot of advice. My diamond came via a set up. He was my friend’s son. At least if you get set up they’ve pretty much been vetted for you, and if they turn out to be shit then they’re accountable to your crappy mate who set you up and vetted them in the first place! But yeah, just a bit of solidarity from someone who has been there and heard all the advice you’ll get on this thread.

Oh, and I always liked this quote - it helped me ignore those who spouted off the “love yourself” rubbish.

Single mum wondering how to meet someone decent later on

paintedpanda · Yesterday 06:39

^ image is under review.

Catza · Yesterday 08:12

It's difficult to start when you are not in the right headspace. Ultimately, the first poster is right, you need to be happy and fulfilled before you look for a person to share your life with. At the moment you are looking for someone to fulfil a function and it's not a great starting point and not fair on the person you want to date.
Same goes for the apps. There is nothing wrong with them yet you are already terrified before even trying. It's not a great starting point, you are supposed to enjoy dating. If you come to it with a very clear idea of what you are looking for, you will find it. But if you go on OLD looking for someone "decent and attractive", that's too nebulous and you will be disappointed. Not because decent men aren't there but because what's decent for me is likely to be different for you. You need to be specific.
I literally had a list of 100 things I was looking for and very clear boundaries and red lines. Extremely selective. Which meant that I spoke with 6 guys over the course of three months. Went on three first dates. Dismissed nr 1 - he was lovely but I had a strong feeling he was just looking for anyone to fill his lonely life. Went on 5 dates with nr 2 and he wasn't very consistent or clear about his intentions, so that was a no. And then nr 3 was a perfect match and we are still going strong.

OneShyQuail · Yesterday 08:14

Puddleduck2013 · Yesterday 00:00

Which dating sites are the best for meeting someone sincere and genuine? I’ve heard so many horror stories I’m too scared to even try

Another vote for hinge

OneShyQuail · Yesterday 08:21

paintedpanda · Yesterday 06:39

I was you a good few years ago. I hated being a single mum and all the advice was “work on yourself, love yourself, go to clubs and you’ll meet someone”. Honestly, I didn’t hate myself, so I’m not sure what loving myself looked like other than what I was doing. Or the ones who would say “god I wish I was single, my husband drives me mad!” It was always the same crappy advice from people who had long term partners. The ones who never felt that stinging loneliness when the kids are tucked up in bed at 7pm and you consider going to bed yourself so you don’t have to face the evening alone again.

I tried OLD and it was crap. As a single parent you don’t have a lot of time to go on dates because, as everyone will remind you, “it’s a numbers game, it might take 30 dates before you find someone worthwhile”. Like yeah, who has 30 nights free from being a single parent?! (Same goes for joining clubs). Often, OLD is a lot of the dregs too. Not always, every now and then you find a diamond, but mostly crap.

Then you get the “well, it isn’t good for your child to be bringing home different men or blending families”. No, it’s not, but I doubt that’s what you’ll be doing… bringing random men into your home to shag while your kid is in the next room. And are these people (who probably have long term partners…) expecting you to wait until your child is moved out before you’re allowed to meet someone and have a little bit of happiness? I know my children were much happier when I was happy after I’d met my now husband.

Honestly, I don’t have a lot of advice. My diamond came via a set up. He was my friend’s son. At least if you get set up they’ve pretty much been vetted for you, and if they turn out to be shit then they’re accountable to your crappy mate who set you up and vetted them in the first place! But yeah, just a bit of solidarity from someone who has been there and heard all the advice you’ll get on this thread.

Oh, and I always liked this quote - it helped me ignore those who spouted off the “love yourself” rubbish.

This quote is fair enough. But it isnt talking about a partner in exclusivity, someone loving you would be your children, your parents, your family, your friends......
Just becsuse you dont have a partner doesnt mean you aren't loved by others.
And the "loving yourself" is important becsuse if you don't value yourself then in a relationship you are likely to put up with behaviours that are less than worthy, your boundaries are lower etc...

paintedpanda · Yesterday 08:45

OneShyQuail · Yesterday 08:21

This quote is fair enough. But it isnt talking about a partner in exclusivity, someone loving you would be your children, your parents, your family, your friends......
Just becsuse you dont have a partner doesnt mean you aren't loved by others.
And the "loving yourself" is important becsuse if you don't value yourself then in a relationship you are likely to put up with behaviours that are less than worthy, your boundaries are lower etc...

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Yes, I understand that. It’s just frustrating as a single person that it’s the only “advice” that gets dealt out.
I can only speak for myself, but from the OP it seems she is in a similar situation to my own, but when you “love yourself” enough (I thought, and still think, I’m a great person) and still want to spend time with another person, intimacy, companionship, someone to share your ups and downs with etc, and it’s just not happening, it’s so incredibly annoying to just get told “you can’t expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself”. It’s tedious.

OneShyQuail · Yesterday 08:49

paintedpanda · Yesterday 08:45

Yes, I understand that. It’s just frustrating as a single person that it’s the only “advice” that gets dealt out.
I can only speak for myself, but from the OP it seems she is in a similar situation to my own, but when you “love yourself” enough (I thought, and still think, I’m a great person) and still want to spend time with another person, intimacy, companionship, someone to share your ups and downs with etc, and it’s just not happening, it’s so incredibly annoying to just get told “you can’t expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself”. It’s tedious.

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I think in my reply I offered lots of advice, not just "love yourself" I too have been there. The point i was making is if you spend your time longing for someone rather than living and enjoying life the best you can, there are two very different perspectives on life!

Original poster

TinyToess · Yesterday 09:10

Catza · Yesterday 08:12

It's difficult to start when you are not in the right headspace. Ultimately, the first poster is right, you need to be happy and fulfilled before you look for a person to share your life with. At the moment you are looking for someone to fulfil a function and it's not a great starting point and not fair on the person you want to date.
Same goes for the apps. There is nothing wrong with them yet you are already terrified before even trying. It's not a great starting point, you are supposed to enjoy dating. If you come to it with a very clear idea of what you are looking for, you will find it. But if you go on OLD looking for someone "decent and attractive", that's too nebulous and you will be disappointed. Not because decent men aren't there but because what's decent for me is likely to be different for you. You need to be specific.
I literally had a list of 100 things I was looking for and very clear boundaries and red lines. Extremely selective. Which meant that I spoke with 6 guys over the course of three months. Went on three first dates. Dismissed nr 1 - he was lovely but I had a strong feeling he was just looking for anyone to fill his lonely life. Went on 5 dates with nr 2 and he wasn't very consistent or clear about his intentions, so that was a no. And then nr 3 was a perfect match and we are still going strong.

I don’t think that’s fair? I read loads of posts on here and dating apps are literally torn to shreds with how awful they are, theres thread after thread saying avoid them like the plague and they are the worst of the worst and to quote “dregs of society” i have read loads of threads on here about dating

OP posts:

paintedpanda · Yesterday 09:10

OneShyQuail · Yesterday 08:49

I think in my reply I offered lots of advice, not just "love yourself" I too have been there. The point i was making is if you spend your time longing for someone rather than living and enjoying life the best you can, there are two very different perspectives on life!

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I wasn’t referencing your post in my first, apologies if it came across that way.

Original poster

TinyToess · Yesterday 09:15

OneShyQuail · Yesterday 08:49

I think in my reply I offered lots of advice, not just "love yourself" I too have been there. The point i was making is if you spend your time longing for someone rather than living and enjoying life the best you can, there are two very different perspectives on life!

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I was incredibly happy for the first 5 years (I have been single years btw it’s not early days) I was happy just me and my children enjoying life and nothing happened, I didn’t meet anyone, I wasn’t expecting it, my kids were young and I was just concentrating on them.
i didnt join the apps because I was happy how things were, but thats changed and it’s only now that I’ve started wanting someone for me, I’ve spent the years, loving myself and healing but one thing I cannot love is single parenting, life is not meant to be like this and no amount of loving myself or healing will change my feelings on that, everyone who joins the apps feels something is missing otherwise they wouldn’t join and would be happy and content on their own (different for those who met someone naturally when it wasn’t expected)

OP posts:

Original poster

TinyToess · Yesterday 09:34

paintedpanda · Yesterday 06:39

I was you a good few years ago. I hated being a single mum and all the advice was “work on yourself, love yourself, go to clubs and you’ll meet someone”. Honestly, I didn’t hate myself, so I’m not sure what loving myself looked like other than what I was doing. Or the ones who would say “god I wish I was single, my husband drives me mad!” It was always the same crappy advice from people who had long term partners. The ones who never felt that stinging loneliness when the kids are tucked up in bed at 7pm and you consider going to bed yourself so you don’t have to face the evening alone again.

I tried OLD and it was crap. As a single parent you don’t have a lot of time to go on dates because, as everyone will remind you, “it’s a numbers game, it might take 30 dates before you find someone worthwhile”. Like yeah, who has 30 nights free from being a single parent?! (Same goes for joining clubs). Often, OLD is a lot of the dregs too. Not always, every now and then you find a diamond, but mostly crap.

Then you get the “well, it isn’t good for your child to be bringing home different men or blending families”. No, it’s not, but I doubt that’s what you’ll be doing… bringing random men into your home to shag while your kid is in the next room. And are these people (who probably have long term partners…) expecting you to wait until your child is moved out before you’re allowed to meet someone and have a little bit of happiness? I know my children were much happier when I was happy after I’d met my now husband.

Honestly, I don’t have a lot of advice. My diamond came via a set up. He was my friend’s son. At least if you get set up they’ve pretty much been vetted for you, and if they turn out to be shit then they’re accountable to your crappy mate who set you up and vetted them in the first place! But yeah, just a bit of solidarity from someone who has been there and heard all the advice you’ll get on this thread.

Oh, and I always liked this quote - it helped me ignore those who spouted off the “love yourself” rubbish.

Thank you, yes this resonates a lot with me, I hate all the “you need to be happy on your own” “no one will love you if you don’t love yourself” i dont hate myself, i’ve spent the time being on my own and healing, but i’m never going to love or enjoy single parenting as life isn’t meant to be this hard and however many years I spend on my own that just isn’t going to change. I also feel like I deserve to find happiness again.

OP posts:

Lavender14 · Yesterday 09:37

I think it depends on whether you're a single mum or a solo mum op? And how much access to childcare you have for down time?

Catza · Yesterday 09:37

TinyToess · Yesterday 09:10

I don’t think that’s fair? I read loads of posts on here and dating apps are literally torn to shreds with how awful they are, theres thread after thread saying avoid them like the plague and they are the worst of the worst and to quote “dregs of society” i have read loads of threads on here about dating

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And all of these are from people who have a horrible time on the apps. But we don't know why they have a horrible time, do we?
People like myself or my mum or any of my friends who found amazing relationships on OLD are not starting threads raving about it.
You can take or leave my advice but I don't think there is any point in dating if you are already apprehensive about it.

GeorgeA12 · Yesterday 09:39

What about setting up some sort of dating thread on here? People post their age range, location and what they are looking for and you get in touch by PM that way. Might work?

Original poster

TinyToess · Yesterday 09:43

Lavender14 · Yesterday 09:37

I think it depends on whether you're a single mum or a solo mum op? And how much access to childcare you have for down time?

i’m a lone parent, but my kids are older now so I don’t require child care for them anymore.

OP posts: