Married 16 years and worried my husband no longer loves me

[rosesarered79]

Hi i’m desperately seeking advice here. I have been married for 16 years and am still completely in love with my husband but I don’t think he feels the same anymore. We’ve been arguing a lot lately mainly because i’m convinced he no longer loves me. He doesn’t offer me much reassurance except i wouldn’t be here if i didn’t want to be and says he gets fed up with my paranoia. He works two jobs and gets quite tired so there isn’t a lot of spare time but he always finds time for various sports. We don’t do much together anymore even though i try. Last time we went out i became poorly mid date and he told me he tried, but I ruined it because I was ill. He doesn’t engage in much conversation when he is home and takes everything i say as a dig at him. I’m at my wits end i cry most days and i have refered myself to the local mental health team in the hope they have a miracle cure for my relationship anxiety. I just don’t know what to do 😭

I think Fred Flintstone has joined the thread.

Yabba dabba don't.

When you say she's "hard work" do you mean for feeling paranoid that her husband is treating her like a piece of the furniture and asking him why?

But what if his "checked out" behaviour came first and is the cause of her becoming (in your eyes) "hard work"?

This is another post that blames the woman in the relationship and is up there with the "put on a short skirt" advice.

OP - as pp have said, try to focus on yourself and your own interests & stop banging your head on the brick wall of her husband's indifference for a while.
Make sure he is pulling his weight fully in the household and with the kids, perhaps by stepping back a bit & forcing him to because you are going out or doing other things.

I note that he manages to spend time on his sports in addition to work & I wonder how much free time you also get to do the things you want to?

Have a break from the paranoia & questioning him and try to enjoy yourself independently which will hopefully make you feel happier & stronger.
Taking the pressure off you both might improve things anyway or if not when you have put a bit of distance there then you could have the conversation with him again & explain how you feel.

Thank you for replying 😊

Thanks everyone for your responses. So things have developed over the weekend. I’ve had suspicions about a work colleague before and when i’ve asked him about it he’s always said it’s all in my mind and i’m paranoid. Well fast forward to this weekend and she is currently away on holiday. I’ve got her number off his phone and checked the phone bill. He called her twice whilst she was travelling there Friday. He then called her last night when he popped out to the shop and called her at 7am this morning on the way to play his sport. I see no other explanation except he’s cheating. I’m at home with the kids completely devastated. What do I do do I pretend i know nothing and try and get solid proof do I front him out. My head is spinning with so many questions I just don’t know what i’m going to do 😭😭

So sorry to hear your update, it certainly sounds like something is going on. It will no doubt feel like a kick in the guts, a physical pain.

When you say you "checked the phone bill" is this something you both have access to or is it your DH's bill that you have looked into?
Either way I think you need to first say that you suspect something is going on and give him the chance to come clean.
If he doesn't then tell him what you have discovered and see what he says then.

He might get angry, he might accuse you of snooping, not trusting him etc but the truth is his behaviour has led you to this and you are paranoid & unhappy so you need to act. Ignoring this isn't going to fix it even if it provokes an angry reaction from him.

If he has nothing to hide, he will probably just be surprised & keen to explain himself. An angry reaction & refusing to discuss it will probably be down to guilt.

But the upshot is, you just need to know what is going on now so that you can make plans and move forward.
It's horrible, it hurts like hell but you will survive this.

😂😂😂

Ooh! Schrödinger's short skirt! Not wearing one means that OP's DH is justified in treating her like shit and losing interest so it's really her fault but wearing one means that the same sort of men will blame the victims of sexual assault and rape as they were 'asking for it'.

Not sure you need any
more solid proof other than him
confirming what you think you know. Needs to be away from kids

We have a joint phone account two numbers under one name so i checked most recent calls and she is on there. He does have to call her for work stuff but not at 7am in the morning no sooner has he driven away from the house. He will be home mid afternoon and i just do t know how im going to hide it.

Don't hide it.
Ask him about it and see what he says.

You are feeling upset and paranoid and you need to know if you have anything to be paranoid about.

You know him well. You will know if he is lying.

I'm so sorry to read your update. It seems you weren't paranoid or anxious about nothing.

You can ask him outright, I suspect he will deny it or minimise. Then he will hide what he's up to. If you can keep quiet you could try and gather more evidence but I think you know already from his behaviour and the phone calls.

Thankyou I think the saddest thing is that after all these years of being married he’s happy to let me think i’m suffering with mental health problems. He’s home now and sitting there as if nothings going on. I’m going to give it time i need to get things in order and put me and my children in the best position as this is going to be tough financially I gave up my career to have children as he wanted it to be that way. I do work but don’t earn anywhere near what he does.

In your shoes, I don't even think I'd talk to him about his cheating, whether it be a physical or emotional affair. You know his focus is not on you and your well-being, and if you're not a normally suspicious person, trust your gut about his co-worker interactions not being on the up and up.

I'm assuming you two aren't intimate so keep it that way. I'd just quietly do behind the scenes activities like consulting with a legal representative just to gain knowledge and fact finding. Think about what you could do to get back on track with a better career. Perhaps if it can be in a year with more training, education (I don't know your situation) when he can watch the children if it's in the evening/weekends, etc. Remove him as a co-user on your credit cards and bank accounts. Start downsizing if you pay a premium for cable, etc. Good luck.