Married 16 years and worried my husband no longer loves me

[rosesarered79]

Hi i’m desperately seeking advice here. I have been married for 16 years and am still completely in love with my husband but I don’t think he feels the same anymore. We’ve been arguing a lot lately mainly because i’m convinced he no longer loves me. He doesn’t offer me much reassurance except i wouldn’t be here if i didn’t want to be and says he gets fed up with my paranoia. He works two jobs and gets quite tired so there isn’t a lot of spare time but he always finds time for various sports. We don’t do much together anymore even though i try. Last time we went out i became poorly mid date and he told me he tried, but I ruined it because I was ill. He doesn’t engage in much conversation when he is home and takes everything i say as a dig at him. I’m at my wits end i cry most days and i have refered myself to the local mental health team in the hope they have a miracle cure for my relationship anxiety. I just don’t know what to do 😭

You're struggling. He isn't supporting you in the way you need. Couples and individual counselling for you both to get it sorted. If he won't you know it's over.

You have two separate issues here and they may or may not be related.
Issue nr 1 is your relationship anxiety. Having been in a short (for a reason!) relationship with someone who unilaterally decides that you are not into them and picks an argument over "lack of reassurance" is exhausting and I don't have patience for it. So I can easily see how you created a self-fulfilling prophecy here.
Issue nr 2 is lack of time together. Was it happening before you became anxious about your relationship? If so, you may well have a point bit asking for reassurance isn't really going to get you what you want either way. Your husband telling you that you ruined a night out is a dick move regardless.

The only was I know how to "get over it" is to stop stressing about it and start doing things for yourself which don't involve your husband. Often, as we fill our lives with exciting things and our partners become a nice addition rather than a necessity, they tend to come round.

Speaking from the other side of the fence, I'll say if there is one thing that drives a man mad it's nagging and whining, the man is working 2 jobs, sport is his only enjoyment so don't nag him about that as well,
stick to making yourself happy, get fit and see how things go, maybe don't walk around the house in PJ's half the time, not saying you do but just speaking from experience, a short skirt works wonders now and then.🤗

“The only was I know how to "get over it" is to stop stressing about it and start doing things for yourself which don't involve your husband. Often, as we fill our lives with exciting things and our partners become a nice addition rather than a necessity, they tend to come round.”

This with bells on.

Do you have other people you can socialise with, OP? And do you work? If he’s working 2 jobs and coming home to a partner who is crying most days and gets ill halfway through a date, that sounds a bit grim and like a lot of unnecessary drama, and likely to drive him away. Obviously our life partners are deeply important to us but it sounds like you have made him the centre of your life and only value yourself relative to him. You sound like you’ve lost yourself. You need to put yourself at the centre of your life. Find you. What are your interests? What are your passions? Build yourself up. Do some things independently of him. You will feel better for it and relieving the pressure on him and on your relationship is likely to improve things.

Thanks for the replies it’s good to hear different perspectives on the situation especially about how he may be perceiving me. I do work full time too and have my own interests as well as looking after our 2 children but just feel very lonely most of the time. I’ve not spoken to anyone about this as I feel too embarrassed. I came down with food poisoning on our night out and was quite ill so seemed quite harsh to say i’d ruined it. The advice about discovering myself sounds like a good idea and I will try and do this.

Thanks for your view from "the other side of the fence" and from the 1950s too it would seem.
"Put on a short skirt" Really? 🤮

Happens a lot with marriages 16 years in - work, kids etc.. happen and you stop making effort for each other. Then little arguments turn into bigger ones. IMO:

• Get time togther and explain you love him etc but neither seem happy
• You want to work on it and get back that spark
• See how he feels and what he wants - dont threaten but say if this carries on neither are going to be happy and may end up splitting.

Sometimes that can be the kick that is needed to get things moving again.

Yes please😄It's about what makes the thing work, once you lose that attraction you are heading in a bad direction, just my opinion don't shoot me for it.
OP saying you ruined the night out when you got food poisioning was hateful on his part tbh, maybe he is fed u but hasn't the cajones to say it out straight?

Put on a short skirt? Gross. Stop thinking woman are only there to look pretty and service men….! Maybe her partner should recognise that she has anxiety and help her address it, give her extra reassurances because he knows it helps, be emotionally available and make effort for her and not just his own work and hobbies?

But your suggestion is “stop nagging and show some flesh”?

@rosesarered79 - really sorry to hear you feel very lonely but you certainly shouldn't feel embarrassed. Do you have other friends/relatives whom you can spend some time connecting with?

It does sound like there are things in your life to keep you busy and occupied (working full time; looking after children; some interests) but the fact that you are crying most days shows that something more is required. Also - and sorry to raise it - when I was perimenopausal during my 40s, I remember that the run up to my period each month felt absolutely ghastly emotionally - rather than my previous feelings of irritation, I felt like I was sliding into a pit of complete and utter despair - this would last for a week or so and then recede until my next period was due. Once I had worked out it was hormonal (which took ages to do), I was able to engage less with the feelings. Could there be something hormonal going on here, do you think? If so, perhaps there are some supplements or similar you could take to help you feel on a bit more of an even keel?

I won't shoot you for it but I will pull you up on it because it's an outdated, sexist view.

And it's putting the blame for the OP's partner's crap behaviour on to her - if only she wore short skirts to "keep her man happy" all would be well.

If you can't see what's wrong with it as a comment then that says a lot about you and your attitude to women.

Thankyou for replying I think this is a really good point and I do wonder if it’s contributing to it. I just don’t know where to start with any of it. He’s unwilling to discuss anything and is so uninterested in my feelings and just dismisses them or gets angry. I now just try and keep quiet and not say much at all. I’ve got an appt with a therapist in a few weeks i’m hoping it will help and help me put some perspective on things and maybe a GP appt might be an idea.

I don't think I have a bad attitude towards women, I love women and respect women, I think I have always got on well with them in general I think.
I'm just saying things can get stale and sometimes spicing it up helps,
if it's gone beyond that stage then I suppose it's time for a serious talk, people tend to avoid the hard questions and go on for years until things finally come to a head.

It's a tough one though when your whole life is wrapped up in another person who isn't engaging and playing ball anymore, I don't think I'd put up with that too long myself but we are all different.
I rem an old girlfriend I had years ago saying that once the attraction goes it's game over and she was right.

Well we don't agree on that then because I think your comment justified the OP's husband's behaviour towards her.

She shouldn't have to put on a short skirt to deserve love & support from a man she has been married to for 16 years and has children with.

You might not be able to see it but yours is the kind of outdated view that was given about women for years in the past - the idea they should put on lipstick and nice clothes to "keep their man interested" and keep quiet too.

You need to spend a bit of time thinking about that perhaps.

What is her husband going to put on to keep her attracted?

As Sam sang in 'as time goes by' in Casablanca, it's still the same old story between men and women, 'dress' it up how you like, no pun intended.
If the fires out either rekindle it or light a new fire.

Maybe her husband should make an effort not to be so cold & unemotional rather than the OP having to put on that bloody short skirt?

Is this a real comment 😂

Sorry to jump on! I am experiencing what you described with the hellish run up to periods all of a sudden (am 41) what helped?! Its horrendous!

I am very sorry...but you dont respect women with the comment about the skirt.

FYI ive had no trouble attracting men or keeping a long term relationship sex life alive and ive never owned a skirt 😂

I thinks its more due to the fact that I go for emotionally avaliable men who dont just want looks they also get turned on by someone's personality and how they are treated.

Bottom line every man should know...if a woman doesnt feel seen and appreciated and safe her sex drive will be non existent. Whats he doing for his side of the responsibility 🤔

I bet he is wearing freshly ironed shirt to wait for his wife to come through the door after work....
Or whom are we kidding! It's usually track suit bottoms and a "What's for dinner" question with a side serving of dirty socks in the corner of the bedroom.

@OneShyQuail - i didn’t really take anything for it; i became able to detach a bit from the emotions when i realised they were hormonally driven. But this was about 10-15 years ago. There was less information around then (or i didn’t think to look for it) - now i would research good supplements and probably take some of those. Sorry not to be more helpful! Being post-menopausal is fucking awesome when you get there! Feels like a second prime.

It'd be helpful if you could go into more detail. How old are your children, and has he been an involved and a good father so far? If so, has that lately changed too, or not? Can you pinpoint any one main triggering point for when his behavior worsened? Was he ideal until recently, or has he paled in comparison to other's husbands whom you know well?

When you speak to him about your anxiety, can you give examples of how you word things? Do you say it in a way that puts him on the offensive, like: You never spend time with me anymore. You always have time for sports but not for me.

Or, do you word it like: I miss you. I'd like us to do something fun Friday night. How about that XYZ event we always wanted to try?

Why does he work 2 jobs? Are you living in a place you can barely afford? Or is the 2nd job not necessary but he seems to want to get out of the house more often? What has he done in the past to show you how special you are? Does he or has he massaged your back, done chores you don't like, cares for you well when you're sick, picks up treats you like from the store? Or has he just met the basic requirements of being a spouse?

I'm glad you'll be getting some therapy to maybe get some clarity.

You sound hard work OP no wonder he’s checked out .

You don't have 'relationship anxiety', you have a husband who can't be bothered with you and takes everything you say as criticism. How bleak.

The only thing you're doing 'wrong' here is telling him how abandoned you feel. It's true that we should share our feelings with our partners, and we should be able to talk through our relationship issues, but you've done this and he doesn't care. He even felt it was a big effort to go for an evening out with you; that it was ungrateful of you to be ill!

I've got to say I'm struggling to see what you love so much about him. But the advice is the same in any case: do go to therapy for yourself; do add some bounce to your own personal life; do rediscover your enthusiasms or find new ones. Basically, be happily single!

I'm not going to suggest you start acting like the simpering helpmeet he seems to expect. In focusing more on yourself, it will become easier to adopt a cheery take-it-or-leave-it attitude to the male you currently live with.

I do recommend ensuring you're on top of all your finances and paperwork, though. Never does any harm to know where you'd stand if you were actually single.