Help

[Shannonkate878]

Please don’t judge no one can hate me more than I hate myself right now.
im 29 been with my partner since 19 we have 4 young kids he’s the most amazing man my best friend my absolute rock and the only person I have.
ive been going through a rough time mentally atm and been in a dark place after falling out with family I felt so alone.
then I went onto his phone and found he’d been on a porn website and felt rock bottom and hurt like I wasn’t even good enough for him either.
im in a group chat with friends and some people they know which i usually ignore but this time i felt so alone and replied, one of them was flirting with me which i went along and joined in with and when they asked if i had a partner i said no.
it went back and forwards in a group chat for a couple days then he started making sexual comments and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks what id done I said sorry this is making me uncomfortable now and left, no contact since.
however the anxiety and shame of what ive done is eating at me, i had to ring Samaritans as I’ve been having thoughts to end my life due to what ive done and can’t even function six days later ive had to ring my gp for help but i cant see what help they’ll be as ive done the damage now my partner will find out and ill lose everything.
im honestly broken and please dont question why ive done this as i dont know myself I hate myself so much and genuinely dont think i can cope anymore ive never felt pain and disgust in myself like this in my life i just dont know how to make it stop
i can’t even look at my partner or function due to the guilt and anxiety I’ve never done anything like this in ten years and just keep replaying him finding out and leaving me over and over and I genuinely feel like I’m going mad :(

Hi OP. Firstly please forgive yourself. Other than writing some words on a screen you have done nothing more. You realised quickly that you didnt want to go any further and stopped yourself. You should be proud of yourself for this. A lot of people with a lot less on their plates are unable to stop themselves and end up having an affair - you have shown strength beyond that. Applaud yourself for this.

Also, please do speak to your GP about how you feel. You have 4 children which is a lot for anyone to handle, do not feel bad for needing help. So many people on here have reached out for help before and there is no shame in it. Keep posting here whilst you work through this. You will heal and move on from this. It will take time but I promise that you will.

Please don't think about ending your life over a bit of flirting, it's understandable you were angry and you didn't actually cheat and removed yourself from the situation please don't beat yourself up and think of harming yourself over something like that. Have you spoken to your partner about why he was looking at porn it's something he needs to address but like I said it's understandable why you reacted but you have 4 young children who need their mum. Nothing is worth contemplating harming yourself.

Hi, thank yous for replying this is the only place I have people to speak to as I have no family or friends, my partners the only one I have. I just feel like I’ve failed him so badly and my kids and if he finds out and leaves I’m the reason my kids won’t have their dad at home with us. I confronted him about the porn but he just said it was a ‘pop up’however I’ve caught him on it loads of times. I just feel like a disgusting cheat I can’t even look at myself and the fear of him finding out is overwhelming I’ve been in this state not eating or sleeping for 6 days, barely functioning and I just don’t know the resolution :(

I think you need to see your GP as your reaction to what you did, is hugely disproportionate.

If you had suicidal thoughts and needed the Samaritans because some flirting went too far, then gently, I think Mumsnet might not be what you need right now OP.

Thank you for replying, it’s not even what i did even though that plays a big part it’s if he finds out about it him leaving, my family being broken and my kids not having their dad here because of my stupid thoughtless actions. I’d do anything to go back and change it I can’t even fathom why I did it. He’s my only support too he’s all I’ve known since 19 I have no family or friends and I just genuinely don’t know what I’d do without him. It’s the guilt too I can’t even look at him thinking back to me telling other men I’m single and flirting back. I’m so big on loyalty and my family and this is why it hurts so much, one stupid mistake could have ruined our life . I just feel like I’ve cheated and these constant thoughts are destroying me.

Also, we’ve been through a lot lately financial issues and other things and my partner hasn’t felt the best mentally either he’s just getting on, he trusts me with his life and I fear this would break him.

OP, all of this will feel so so so much worse and more intense due to your lack of sleep and food. You need to focus on those first to support yourself to get back to yourself.

Can you manage a little bit of toast? Some fruit? Just something small. Your children need you to be able to care for them so you need to care for yourself.

I can assure you that your partner is unlikely to throw your whole life away because you flirted with someone. Your lack of sleep is making this feel like the end of the world but I can assure you it isn’t. Don’t believe what your thoughts are telling you, they are not making sense right now.

You must try to get some sleep. That will save you.

Well you'll just have to hope he doesn't find out then, there's nothing more to be said about that really.

He’s my only support too he’s all I’ve known since 19 I have no family or friends and I just genuinely don’t know what I’d do without him.

You said you were in a friends group chat?

Thank you so much it’s consuming me the thoughts and the fact I’ve betrayed him. I don’t know if it’s as it’s so out of character for me I still can’t understand why I did it myself, I love my partner with all my heart and would never even consider looking at another man so I can’t get my head around it myself. It’s worrying me too as some of these people in the group chat are very childish, drama seeking people and often add peoples family’s into it to cause chaos for their own entertainment. The thought of them adding him in or my family knocks me sick, they’ve already added me back 3 times since I left despite me leaving straight away every time. I already suffer with an anxiery disorder and ocd and this just has me spiralling purely out of fear of losing my family.

Also just to add, although it was 99% in the group chat the man in question did message me privately too on about all the times in the past he’s messaged me and I’ve ignored him, he said ‘it’s ok I’ll let you off you had a partner’ and instead of correcting him I just said thank you. I just keep replaying it all in my head morning till night and it’s making me physically sick

I say friends I’ve never actually met them, just social media. I was in that chat for years but never really spoke and I only did on these particular days as I felt so alone.

You know you can select an option to not be added back again?

You just need to change your "Who Can Add Me to Groups" privacy setting to "My Contacts Except", so the admins can't invite you again.

Thank you, I never knew that x

Why haven't you friends in real life? Do you not go out, meet people?
We humans need to meet people outside our family. Try to socialise a little when you go out. If you see someone who lives locally just nod and smile. Don't worry about their reaction. The more you do it the easier it gets. This will help your mental state over time.

I did have, but I’ve moved away from the area I lived all my life and lost contact with the friends I did have.

You’ve done nothing wrong. He will never find out unless you tell him. No need to tell him as you haven’t actually done anything. A bit of flirting which you shut down.
Try and forget about it and move on.
If you really can’t then as PPs have said you need to get some proper help

I’ve been prescribed sertraline, my first day taking them so hopefully they help soon. It’s just the constant guilt thinking do I tell him and blow everything up or continue to live the rest of my life feeling like this as I feel like the worst person in the world right down, just look forward to going to bed everyday to sleep as it’s the only time my mind gets a break:( thank you for your comments x

Sertraline is a great drug for anxiety but it doesn’t work straight away and can make you feel worse first. PLEASE stick with them and get support from your GP and the mental health Mumsnet boards as they’re great.

Hold on and you will feel differently soon, it’s not a switch and won’t be immediate but it will happen. Just keep going.

Meanwhile,it is not a good idea to rely on any one person for all social contact, support, interaction and friendship. It would be good to widen your social network (or, well, build your social network!). Not online, in person. Are any of your DC in activities where you can make friends with the other parents there, for a start? Do you have any activities outside the home? Hard with 4 DC but it's so important not to have one person be absolutely everything.

Woke up this morning and just felt sick with dread all over again, keep replaying in my head the hurt I’ll of caused and betrayal and picturing the worst me telling the kids their dads not here due to my actions. I just feel sick and can barely function, I’ve had this constant paralysing fear and panic taking over my life for a week now and unsure how its meant to get any better :(

You're clearly not well.

Have you made a GP appointment yet?

There is absolutely no point in bumping this thread just to continue catastrophizing if you haven't.

The OP has just started sertraline so I think she’s seen her GP already.

OP your thoughts are louder and more intense right now due to your anxiety. Once the meds kick in this will all seem better. Get outside as much as you can, force your feet into the ground and focus on taking lots of deep breaths. We can support you but you can do lots of small things to help you get through this.

I’ve seen the gp and been prescribed sertraline but only on day 2 of taking them. I’ve been out today too but couldn’t focus on anything. Tbh I really do feel like I’m becoming unwell I’ve been in this state before a few years ago but I managed to get out of it as I had my partner to help me as I usually tell him everything but I can’t this

I actually think you can tell him but maybe not just yet whilst your meds are kicking in. All you have to do is cling on and get through each day. We will stick with you each day to the other side of this. Just keep talking and keep going. Cancel all non essential plans, take all pressure off yourself and give yourself a load of self compassion. Treat yourself how you’d treat your best friend if they were in this position.

All you have to do is keep swimming. That’s all, you will get there.

Also, if you need a bit more support as MN to put this in either mental health or chat. More people visit those forums.