Help

[Shannonkate878]

Please don’t judge no one can hate me more than I hate myself right now.
im 29 been with my partner since 19 we have 4 young kids he’s the most amazing man my best friend my absolute rock and the only person I have.
ive been going through a rough time mentally atm and been in a dark place after falling out with family I felt so alone.
then I went onto his phone and found he’d been on a porn website and felt rock bottom and hurt like I wasn’t even good enough for him either.
im in a group chat with friends and some people they know which i usually ignore but this time i felt so alone and replied, one of them was flirting with me which i went along and joined in with and when they asked if i had a partner i said no.
it went back and forwards in a group chat for a couple days then he started making sexual comments and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks what id done I said sorry this is making me uncomfortable now and left, no contact since.
however the anxiety and shame of what ive done is eating at me, i had to ring Samaritans as I’ve been having thoughts to end my life due to what ive done and can’t even function six days later ive had to ring my gp for help but i cant see what help they’ll be as ive done the damage now my partner will find out and ill lose everything.
im honestly broken and please dont question why ive done this as i dont know myself I hate myself so much and genuinely dont think i can cope anymore ive never felt pain and disgust in myself like this in my life i just dont know how to make it stop
i can’t even look at my partner or function due to the guilt and anxiety I’ve never done anything like this in ten years and just keep replaying him finding out and leaving me over and over and I genuinely feel like I’m going mad :(

ask MN that should say.

It’s difficult to give very clear advice as you are so very upset and I do understand why.
However, I think while you know you have done something which may upset your partner, it wasn’t anything terrible, and you stopped. You stopped without being told to, you made a decision on your own to, and that is to your credit.
I am no therapist but I think as much as you love your other half your self esteem was probably badly hit from finding out about the porn.
You are ripping yourself in half and saying he will never forgive you, but what about what he has done and its effect on you? You haven’t said you can’t forgive him or you are going to throw him out.
The medication takes a while to settle. Is there someone else you can talk to.
I was thinking about your words and I’m probably twice your age. A time in my life when I was very down, being badly treated, before mobile phones, and a lad I knew used to chat me up in our local pub. I enjoyed the attention, nobody could hear us, we just looked like friends, but I looked forward to seeing him. Then it all blew over, but there was no trail as we didn’t send written messages.
I know it sounds daft to say try not to worry, but at the moment, it’s not the best time to make any decisions. Please be kind to yourself you sound like a lovely person who hit a vulnerable spot, with good reason, and I hope in a few days/weeks you can forgive yourself.
You deserve to.

Thank you so much for your lovely comment I really appreciate it. It’s just the constant replaying in my head off him finding out and leaving and on edge constantly waiting for it to happen I think is what’s mentally exhausting me. I wish I could just switch off but the shame and guilt is eating me alive, I always speak to him about everything and the fact I can’t with this is making it even harder. I just feel like an awful person and like I’m never going to escape this as much as I’m trying. The overthinking is awful

Do you think it would be better to tell him? Could you write a letter?

I don’t think I could tbh. For one there’s no evidence anymore as I deleted everything when I left the chats and blocked him and he’d want to see everything or he’d feel like I was hiding something if he never sees the full thing, so in his head it could be a lot worse than it actually was. Just can’t believe I’d ever get myself into this situation

i think you need to box it away in your brain to a place where it’s just left to gather dust. It’s really not the crime of the century. Loads of people have text flirted other people and a lot worse and their relationships have been fine. Forgive yourself.

To an outsider, the reasons you did it were obvious: You felt betrayed by his use of porn, which made you feel like you're not good/attractive enough. Then someone paid attention to you in a way that made you feel you ARE good/attractive enough. You played along with it just enough to get that reassuring feedback, and put a stop to it as soon as they wanted to take things further.

This is all perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

I hope one day you'll be able to talk to him about this. In the meantime, please stop beating yourself up. We are all human!

Thank yous so much I appreciate your comments more than yous know xx

I appreciate that you’re not thinking entirely clearly about all this due to your anxiety. But just stop for one moment and ask yourself if your partner is beating himself up, panicking about you leaving and feeling guilt ridden over his porn use? Put into perspective the fact that you exchanged a few flirty messages and didn’t correct someone who assumed you were single. You weren’t getting off on pictures or videos of him, just (as far as your post goes) chatting in an overly friendly way, until you put a stop to it.

Please just breathe, stop with the self-flagellation and saying you’re the worst person in the world for a single and very tame misdemeanour. You’ve done very little to be ashamed of and really you don’t even need to tell your partner, but if the guilt is going to eat you up, maybe you should. If he doesn’t believe your version of events then the relationship is over anyway because what’s the point without trust?

Either way you need to find some friends, join a club, get together with some school mums, build a network, because you cannot rely on one person for all your emotional needs to be met.

I hope the meds kick in soon and you start to feel some relief. Bear in mind with SSRIs things can get worse before they improve so you really do need to be able to speak to your DP if you’re spiralling so that he can keep an eye on you over the next few weeks. Is he generally loving and supportive of your MH issues?

So sorry to ramble on again but I’m honestly not coping again today I can’t get it out my mind that they could add my partner or family and tell him just to cause drama I don’t know what I’ll do I just feel sick to my stomach as if I can’t cope thinking of what could happen I could lose my family, he could hurt himself due to feeling betrayed everyone will hate me and yes I’ve been to gp and got sertraline already but that doesn’t change what I’ve done and I can’t see how I can function or go on knowing it could all come crashing down around me I just can’t see a way out and honestly hate myself for what I’ve done I just want normality back and it hurts so much

You didn't do anything. You stopped the chat as soon as it got sexual.

The messages no longer exist anyway.

How could this possibly result in your relationship breaking down?

The issue isn't what you did but your psychological reaction to it. That is what you need to sort out.

It might be worth getting your partner to help you with this - unless you think he can't handle the truth, I would tell him everything and maybe he can help get you the support you need.

I am so sorry @Shannonkate878
You are living in a state of fear, that your decision will lead to catastrophes that will ruin lives.
The chances of that happening are probably close to zero.
I know there is a saying ‘secrets will keep you sick’ and that can be true but I think right now your mind is too distressed to make a decision.
If you tell your DH and he is upset then you could spiral and right now the aim is to be stable.
The medication you are on can cause really challenging side effects so right now it’s probably not helping, but it’s worth staying on it.
When you are in a more stable place you will see you are a decent person, you reacted to being hurt by your DH’s use of porn, you stopped the attention from another man quite quickly, and you did the right thing.
If for some slight chance he did find out, he would be allowed to be upset but he would have to understand the context. Porn destroys so many relationships, he’s really hurt you and you have stayed.
i know it’s hard. I can remember the first few weeks on a new medication was so tough, in fact I can’t remember the details as I felt like I was in another world. But you will get through it.
I follow a really interesting psychiatrist and he says… stop believing shitty things your mind tells you. Most of it isn’t true or will never happen. I can tell you that’s absolutely true.0

Thank yous, in response to second last comment he could find out as the messages do still exist as most were in a group chat and the people in the chat keep adding me back and always add people to cause drama they’ve done it to people before and they know my partner and family’s names so worried they’ll add them. I think it would break my partner tbh I’m scared of what he’d do and it would all be my fault he wouldn’t expect it at all I’ve never ever did anything of the sort in ten years. I literally can’t even function at the minute and don’t think I’ll ever be to feel normal as there’s always going to be the fear in the back of my mind and I’m just really struggling to cope or see any other options I’ve tried so hard

@Shannonkate878 sorry if I’m not getting it how could people in a group chat reveal private conversations between you and this man?

Unless it's a sex group chat, how flirtatious can messages in a group chat possibly be?

I don't think there's anything anyone here can say to you that will convince you that what you did was minor.

If you can't speak to your partner about this, you need to speak to a doctor about it.

Sorry I don’t know if I explained it properly, so I’ve been in a group chat for years with these people mostly females I got speaking to online, just general conversation but there’s this guy in it that’s in a relationship with one of them who causes constant drama, whenever people leave he adds them back and always adding random people. I found it pathetic so I very rarely spoke in it unless I was spoken to directly but then they added this guy. He asked me if I was single and I said yes as I was so mad at my partner. Then was sending flirty messages etc which I went along with (no idea why I’m so stupid and hate myself and would do anything to take it back) and I just thought it was more so banter. He also send a few private messages too which was more general chat, But then he kept making sexual remarks and it made me uncomfortable so I blocked him.
so my issue here is if the childish people in the group get angry or whatever that I’m not responding to them no more and add my partner or family to cause trouble and tell them.
I honestly can’t believe I’d ever get myself into such a situation like this I’ve ruined everything and honestly can’t cope x

And it’s the fact I said I was single too and went along with the flirting even though I thought it was jokey my partner certainly wouldn’t see it this way and even him watching porn doesn’t excuse this behaviour and I feel even worse as when I finally confronted him about the porn he said it was a pop up my heads just a wreck

You've got two threads going about exactly the same thing OP and yet you seem to be listening to no-one at all.

You were told on your other thread in MH that the tablets should take around 2 weeks to kick in.

I don't know what else you think anyone can say that hasn't already been said?

You've left the group and you've blocked him so just leave it be.

I think you need help over and above what we can provide here.
This is beginning to sound like a mental health crisis more than you telling a man you were single and then cutting off access when he made you uncomfortable.
These group chats sound like a really bad idea with people you have never met.
Ruminating is so horrible but I doubt any of these people are going to say anything to your husband.

By the way you should be more concerned about your husband saying the porn was a pop-up.
You are letting him off lightly there.

I think I do need help as the dark thoughts are becoming so loud but I don’t now how I’ll get it when he’s not aware of anything as I’ve been trying so hard to mask how I feel for him and my kids no one suspects anything so how can I just throw this on people and I fear everyone will hate me after this and not look at me the same. Also it would break him and I’m scared incase he did anything stupid which would be due to my pathetic actions. Again I’m sorry for rambling on, but this is the only place I’ve been able to speak to anyone. I can’t even call anyone as he’s in the house and the few people I do trust live a while away and I don’t drive

If he's likely to harm himself because you spoke to a man then he also needs mental health support urgently