Sister and husband clash

[Frustrated567]

I (F, 40) have been married (M, 41) for 10 years. Over the years, my husband has grown to dislike my sister immensely. She can stir the pot a little, be a little intense and sniggers over things that aren’t really funny, i.e. one of our children misbehaving.
She left her ex husband for another guy and their divorce was quite messy, and she exaggerated how her ex was unsafe and unstable towards her and the children, so he wasn’t allowed to see them much.
Despite all of this, she’s my sister and I see her regularly.
However, my husband is fiercely principled and will not spend any time with her. This is causing a lot of issues between us, and I feel really sad that he can’t just ‘get on with it’ and be in the same room as her a few times a year.
We have recently been invited to a wedding, and her and her partner will be there. My husband is refusing to go, and I feel really let down about it, and struggling to understand why he won’t come for my sake. I have to keep making excuses for him, and it’s left me questioning his love for me, and our marriage.
AIBU?

How big will the wedding be?

It sounds like your husband dislikes your sister for good reason and he shouldn't be expected to be in situations where he has to interact with her at length - such as round the table at a pub, or at a dinner party, or in his house. A small wedding would fall into this category.

But at bigger weddings it should be possible for them both to attend without interacting or speaking much (as long as you're not all put on the same table). I was at a wedding last year where two exes who'd had the most horrific breakup both attended. They just kept far away from each other and talked to other people instead.

I'm with your husband, he has stated his boundary, you need to accept he doesn't want your sister in his life, it's got nothing to do with his love for you or your marriage, if you try to change his mind it will eventually affect your marriage as you're not taking his view and feelings into account. I will not be anywhere near my to toxic Sis IL, my DH accepts this, she's done too much to say here but I'm definitely done

I’m with Team DH. He has set a boundary and sticking with it. And they aren’t clashing as not spending time together so boundary working

The wedding will be quite small - around 30 people. He says he doesn’t want to be fake and make polite conversation with her new partner.
@Justchillinhere - do you just not go to any social occasions where your SIL will be? Does your DH make up an excuse why you’re not there?

I'm with your DH too. It sounds like him staying away is best all round as there won't be any risk of them clashing or there being an atmosphere.

You don't need to make excuses, just be honest!

This is a lot easier said than done!

You don’t have to make any excuses. You can simply say, when asked where your DH is, that he’s at home, at work, gone fishing or whatever it is he’s doing. No excuses, just fact.

Your sister doesn’t sound like a particularly nice person, so why should your DH be in her company if he doesn’t want to.

I know, but I have to give a reason for why he won’t be at the wedding.

she exaggerated how her ex was unsafe and unstable towards her and the children, so he wasn’t allowed to see them much

Do you know this as a fact, there’s not a chance she was telling the truth and you all think she was exaggerating?
Because if you do know it as a fact, I wouldn’t spend anytime with her either. And if I did see her, I’d tell her what a shit mother doing something so awful to her children makes her.

Another vote for your DH, I'm afraid. I get that you love your sister and that the situation dismays you. But she does sound quite unpleasant. In your original post, you say that she:

1. stirs the pot a little,
2. is a little intense,
3. sniggers over things that aren’t really funny, i.e. one of your children misbehaving.
4. left her ex husband for another guy, with a messy divorce,
5. exaggerated how her ex was unsafe and unstable towards her and the children, so he wasn’t allowed to see them much.

Points one and two would be, for me, in the realm of "just put up/get on with it". 3) would be seriously grating. But 5), for me, tips it firmly into the unforgivable camp. Someone who lied and besmirched her children's father in order to deny them access and affection is not a person I would want to be spending time with. I am unsurprised that your DH is concerned and offended by this. I think his choice to not have to be fake and make polite conversation with her and her new partner is a perfectly reasonable and understandable one.

Go, yourself, by all means - but I think you should support him in his decision not to attend. He's in the right here.

He's your husband, OP.... surely he is more important to you than your sister?

DH can stay at home and look after the kids then.

"He was unable to come." is all the explanation needed.

*@Frustrated567 do you just not go to any social occasions where your SIL will be? Does your DH make up an excuse why you’re not there?
Everyone knows I won't be at any occasion she's attending, his siblings know exactly what she is like and some of what she's done to me, there's no need to lie, I was very kind to her, don't want to be too outing but turns out she's immensely jealous, it all came out one night she was as drunk as a skunk and he was in bed.. yes sounds bonkers, but there you have it. Other siblings make arrangements for us to get together with them

She sounds like a nightmare and he's made his boundaries clear. It's nothing to do with how he feels about you or your marriage - bit much to extend your thought process that far!

You're almost saying that if he loved you, he would go. Switch it around, if you love him why would you make him go?

why? It’s not your sister’s wedding.

However, my husband is fiercely principled and will not spend any time with her. This is causing a lot of issues between us, and I feel really sad that he can’t just ‘get on with it’ and be in the same room as her a few times a year.

Why do you feel sad that he has set a boundary?

Sadly you appear trauma bonded with your apparently bloody awful sister

Un bond

Thank you everyone for your comments. I think I possibly do feel the need to be pleasing my sister, to avoid any backlash.
Thank you for giving me other perspectives.

She baited him a little. Wound him up, kicked him out of the house, then when he lost his temper, called the police and said how scared she was.

I'm team DH too.

Your sister sounds awful but you love your sister. He doesn't. And by the sounds of it she's unlikeable.

He's doing the right thing not going.

I don’t understand why it’s your husband with principles who has to “just get over it”. I’m also unclear what you mean by that, because your sister did behave badly. Are you expecting him to ignore that and behave as though she didn’t do all that she did?

I suspect he’d be more likely to agree to attend if you were more accepting of his views. But you’ve each backed yourself into your respective corners.

I suggest that you have a genuine discussion with your DH about how you manage this dilemma. I don’t see any concession to his views in your post and whilst the sisterly relationship is always going to be important, so is your marriage. I do think that your DH should go because he can’t realistically boycott every event that your sister attends. He can’t do that if his opinion isn’t respected.

Team DH here too. You just say “He had alternative plans”. Your DSis sounds fucking awful. Your DH may feel an understandable amount of caution that one day, she might turn her capacity to lie onto someone else she dislikes.

She sounds despicable and you can have a relationship with her but he’s perfectly reasonable and sensible not to.