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Original poster

DP has no willingness to change his life

31 replies

Janet345 · 29/04/2026 13:06

I was wondering if anyone went through the same with their partner. DP and I have been together for 9 years and moved to the country 2 years ago. No children. He is 40. We had a number of issues since the beginning, mainly the lack of intimacy (like touching or kind words), poor money management from his side and his toxic family. Since moving away from where we were previously, he lost touch with most of his “friends” (they refuse to come here or meet halfway) and the family didn’t take it too well either.

This was hard on him but on me too, as he was struggling with his mental health. He is in a better place now and on meds. DP is a very social person but refuses to attempt to make any connections, join groups locally or try a new hobby, sport etc (this is the complete opposite for me even though I am an introvert and I made some friends here).

It bothers me for a few reasons: he is lonely and obviously I don’t want him to be. As he has no friends here, he goes back to see his family when I’m busy and often comes home in a state when the family drama kicks off.

I feel like I lost respect for him as he keeps being miserable but does nothing to improve his situation. (It’s also a pattern in many other areas in his life.) he says he wants to change but I haven’t seen any proof yet.

Has anyone been in a relationship and did it get better?

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 29/04/2026 15:21

not been in a relationship like this but know that his happiness is down to him and not you to “fix” or improve

BreakingBroken · 29/04/2026 15:25

why are you with him?

Cheesipuff · 29/04/2026 15:28

Men usually make friends through a hobby - as you are in the country can he cycle, take up running, golf?

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 29/04/2026 15:33

@Janet345 I don’t know what you can realistically do. FWIW, I have a friend who is exactly like this, I got fed up and sat her down and said what do expect me to do about any of this? I have made suggestions, and offered to do things with her so she gets out and meets people- but no, she doesn’t want to change. I don’t want to hear it anymore either. So I’ve stepped away from what felt like a one sided ‘dementor’ type friendship. Like you, I’ve worked hard to make friends and have a life outside of work, but she just thinks I’m ‘lucky’. I’m not, it’s just making small continuous changes to my own circumstances until I’ve achieved something I’m happy with as a life.
So I guess I would say sit him down and tell home straight, it’s change, or you will end up existing together but living apart.

Original poster
Janet345 · 29/04/2026 15:52

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 yep I get the “it’s easier for women” and in some ways it may be true but he hasn’t even tried.

OP posts:
Blueeyedmale · 29/04/2026 15:59

Janet345 · 29/04/2026 15:52

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 yep I get the “it’s easier for women” and in some ways it may be true but he hasn’t even tried.

And that's the thing I get that's getting you down he is not trying, depression is a b*h, but in order to get help, you need to help yourself and it sounds as you have given words of encouragement to get out there and do things meet people keep his mind occupied etc he has to want to do it and if he's not prepared to change you have to look at your options otherwise it's going to drag you down to.

ScorpionLioness79 · 29/04/2026 16:02

Have the issues of no intimacy or affection and poor money management gone away? Did you buy a house together or do you rent? Do you both work full time? What way, if any, does he make you feel like his special lifetime partner? Does he make your life easier or better in any way? If the bad greatly outweighs the good, it's likely that your self-worth is so poor that subconsciously you think you're only worthy of an unhealthy relationship.

Mayflower282 · 29/04/2026 16:06

I had to say this…but I’ve seen it before…the man leaves the wife and low and behold he is suddenly happier, starts dating, starts having a social life…it’s really common. Not saying it’s you who is the problem, but prepare yourself 😣

jsku · 29/04/2026 16:18

OP - can I ask why you moved to the countryside? Were you both keen to do it - or was it driven by one of you?

Personally - if I were forced to move to the country side, I’d also get depressed quickly.
As you have no kids - meeting new people through schools and kids activities does not happen. And if you work from home - then life does get lonely.
Joining a cycling group or leaning to play golf just to make friends - seems artificial and sad.

By our 40s we are grownups and have our likes/dislikes, and our hobbies and friends sorted. Moving away from it all - for no particular reason - is not easy.

So - saying you lost respect for him for feeling down about his life - I find is unfair.

But my guess there is a back story and more to your dynamic than the move itself.

SethBrogan · 29/04/2026 16:26

Why have you been together for 9 years if there have been numerous issues from the beginning?

Binus · 29/04/2026 16:27

SethBrogan · 29/04/2026 16:26

Why have you been together for 9 years if there have been numerous issues from the beginning?

Seconded.

rainydaysaway · 29/04/2026 16:41

jsku · 29/04/2026 16:18

OP - can I ask why you moved to the countryside? Were you both keen to do it - or was it driven by one of you?

Personally - if I were forced to move to the country side, I’d also get depressed quickly.
As you have no kids - meeting new people through schools and kids activities does not happen. And if you work from home - then life does get lonely.
Joining a cycling group or leaning to play golf just to make friends - seems artificial and sad.

By our 40s we are grownups and have our likes/dislikes, and our hobbies and friends sorted. Moving away from it all - for no particular reason - is not easy.

So - saying you lost respect for him for feeling down about his life - I find is unfair.

But my guess there is a back story and more to your dynamic than the move itself.

I agree with this poster. Did he want to move to the country? It sounds like he’d be happier moving back to where he lived before.

WinterBlues26 · 29/04/2026 16:51

We had a number of issues since the beginning, mainly the lack of intimacy (like touching or kind words), poor money management from his side and his toxic family.

Those are rather big things in a relationship. Deal breakers by themselves but to have three?? Why did you stay together for 9 years considering there are no children?

Who decided to move and why?

Original poster
Janet345 · 29/04/2026 17:23

@rainydaysaway @jsku we lived near his family in the beginning for 3 yrs - I could not stand the area (it was rough) and the constant interference from them. I moved for him and we then moved for me. We are not far still - 1h from the city. I appreciate it’s difficult for someone who never really moved before- I have moved countries and lived in many places so for me it’s probably easier. I don’t find making friendships via clubs or friend apps “artificial” at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janet345 · 29/04/2026 17:29

@Binus @SethBrogan @WinterBlues26 we have a very good friendship and we can make each other laugh. He is also a reliable, kind and inquisitive person. We work well in many ways but not in others. But your point is valid, those issues are quite major. All issues have improved except his family (obviously that’s never going to happen). I genuinely think he was depressed for a long time and I feel quite silly not realising it and mistaking it for being grumpy

OP posts:
Original poster
Janet345 · 29/04/2026 17:31

@ScorpionLioness79 thanks those are really good questions to reflect on. We own a property together and we both work full time.

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 29/04/2026 17:50

Can’t really feel the love in your relationship. Hope I am wrong

WinterBlues26 · 29/04/2026 21:49

Would you be willing to move back? Not in the rough area with his family but close enough for him to feel connected with friends and different hobby groups? It might feel too far even though you say it's only an hour away which is a minimum of 2 hours driving, plus meet up time, equals 4-5 hours just to visit a hobby or friend. When depressed even a 15 minute journey can be hard to achieve.

I can understand you wanting his companionship despite the lack of intimacy especially if there's humour between you but I do find it difficult to understand buying a house with someone who is bad with money as it could affect you financially too. But anyway, would you move nearer for him?

Sashya · 29/04/2026 22:51

OP - I think you are being unfair on him, or maybe not understanding his side.
You moved a lot, as you said. So for you, it is natural to come to a new place and establish new friendships, etc. You probably like coming to new places and meeting new people.
Your partner has never done it? (as far as I understand from your posts). You met him where he has lived most of his life - and you came to live there. Then you didn't like the place, and his family. You insisted on moving away - and to a countryside. He left his family and his friends - for you.

But you sound like he has not done enough. He is "not making enough effort to change"? What does it even mean?? Change into what - a different person? You?

Let him go back to where he likes living, and where he does not need to be on depression medication.

SethBrogan · 29/04/2026 23:21

Sashya · 29/04/2026 22:51

OP - I think you are being unfair on him, or maybe not understanding his side.
You moved a lot, as you said. So for you, it is natural to come to a new place and establish new friendships, etc. You probably like coming to new places and meeting new people.
Your partner has never done it? (as far as I understand from your posts). You met him where he has lived most of his life - and you came to live there. Then you didn't like the place, and his family. You insisted on moving away - and to a countryside. He left his family and his friends - for you.

But you sound like he has not done enough. He is "not making enough effort to change"? What does it even mean?? Change into what - a different person? You?

Let him go back to where he likes living, and where he does not need to be on depression medication.

I agree with this. The OP seems to have spent the vast majority of this relationship trying to change him which I think is unfair. He is who he is and it does not seem like he ever hid that. Why do so many people enter into relationships with people who are clearly not right for them and then spend years trying to change their partner? I just don’t get it. And the fact that he is now on antidepressants is a worry.

BreakingBroken · 30/04/2026 02:07

lack of intimacy, poor money management and mood disorder.
it really doesn't sound like the two of you are a good match.
do you ever feel like it's more of a mother-child relationship where you are always correcting him vs being a young couple?
he's brave to have trialed meds vs finding his happy place.

DorotheaShottery · 30/04/2026 04:16

You describe his family as "toxic" but are they close and you just don't like him? You say where they live is "rough" but it sounds like your DP had a community there which you looked down on. You put his "friends" in inverted commas but he misses them and it could be they don't visit him in the country because they sense your disdain for them. And him.

Bluegreenbird · 30/04/2026 05:15

There’s one line in your post that stood out. You’ve lost respect for him, That’s usually a death knell for a relationship. Liking him is not enough.

Something needs to change and it’s obviously not going to be him to change it for the better. (Unless he decides as many men do that finding a new partner will sort his life out).

Read the ‘do all men turn grumpy in middle age’ thread and see if that makes you feel positive about your future together.

user1492757084 · 30/04/2026 05:27

He needs to take responsibility for his own happiness.
Saying that, Op, you could make incidental socialising hard for him to avoid.
Involve yourselves/yourself in a book group where you host sometimes. Then he needs to help out with hosting.
Join a mixed netball or volley ball team together.
Join a garden club that hosts meetings and sometimes goesto open gardens etc.
Join a church.
Join a choir.
Join a Lions Club etc etc.

Once you make friends, invite them over for a BBQ and go out to meet at the Pub sometimes.
You need to make efforts in rural settings. If your DH still remains antisocial when it's easy for him to join in with you, then that will be very hard.

I also suggest accompanying him to visit his family sometimes and influencing the visit in a positive way if you can. Couple the visit with an exciting music show. All go out to eat or go on an outing to a stately park. Take a large happy cake to share. Help DH make positive changes.

MundaneEasterBunny · 30/04/2026 05:41

Do you have children? Does he have time and space for hobbies? x