Why does my ex’s comments still sting a year later?

[Sunset216]

Sorry if it’s long so 1 year ago now my ex partner of 12 years who is 43 and father to my children walked out text me after we bickered said he wasn’t coming back was sick of bickering said he had made a choice whether right or wrong was for him to deal with. I was obviously heartbroken he went cold shut down avoided engaging. I get he emotionally checked out as we were bickering I worked 9-5 he was a driver working 5-1am and all weekend so never seen each other he seen kids 1 hour a day I was burnt out. Soon as he left it was lads holidays pub nights and then obviously someone else (unsure if was affair or just right place right time it doesn’t matter now I’m over that bit) he moved straight in with her after 6 weeks introduced children told me he couldn’t afford flat and made financial sense had all these big plans with her not done what he said he was (saying move to bigger house holidays) he walked out on her after 3 months got his own flat but they stayed together well on and off as I hear through people the children aren’t involved now (they were giving things another go without them involved) so has an easy life no stress of kids and always out. He Quit job wanted kids 50/50 as went on benefits now back at same job doesn’t pay a penny I’ve tried Child maintenance but because on benefits and not declaring income he told me he doesn’t need to pay as provides a flat for them. Even though I’m over that intense heart break it’s the comments I hear how he’s said he’s messed up walking out on her how he’s hurt the person that means the most to him it’s an insult as I was heartbroken I get I re presented responsibility and pressure and new life is freedom. I just don’t know know why still stings a bit like she meant more than I ever did. Every other week can tell when they split as I get a message he’s putting kids first then doesn’t. When he drops kids off earlier or doesn’t pay we argue and he tells me every couple of months how happy he is and how she makes him more than happy. I do some days feel insulted as I have a good career in nhs good mam lovely house and she works one night a week in a pub has her kids removed (not her was due to abusive ex) lives with her 5 cats and is a drinker which he has started doing. I know my life is better now even if it’s not life I wanted done 4 holidays on my own with kids I have a life go out lost 3 stone but it’s these comments where I feel like I wasn’t good enough and worthless and it’s a pattern she constantly finishes him and he makes big dramatic statements to me how his life is a car crash Sorry just having a rant as haven’t got a while

Your ex isn't a good Dad. He doesn't pay towards his children, is inconsistent with visitation, doesn't have the time/patience to help his daughter who's finding the separation of her parents difficult.

Why on earth are you entertaining your ex off-loading his woes to you???? You aren't his friend, his Mum or therapist!! He only needs to contact you regarding the children, nothing more.

Use an specific email address for correspondence with him. Learn to grey rock him.

Even if he's on UC there is a minimum contribution of £6 per child per week 8f you have two you should be getting £12 weekly (a pittance I know). Also if you know he has self employed money coming in he isn't declaring report the selfish prat. That way he'll have to start paying.

Hi op it’s sounds like you lost a loser he could be saying that to piss you off or to hurt you next time just say oh I’m happy for you because I’m no longer unhappy now your gone so it’s a win win. Also remember he’s a shit dad because he doesn’t provide for his children seeing them now and again does not count he sounds like he’s a loser with another loser so great match. When he mentions holidays go great you go away pity your kids are important enough for you to provide for them but hey I’ve got that covered. Also say when I meet a decent bloke my life will get even better than it is now you did us a favour by walking out.

With kindness, why ON EARTH are you listening to this bullshit?? Your only communication needs to be about arrangements for the children. Skim his messages, if not about the kids, delete. If he starts waffling on about this BS in person say " gotta go, see ya" . Every. single. time. Absolute cheeky fucker offloading to you about this but you have the power to stop it.

My ex did something similar with me OP. He was still texting and phoning me when the woman he cheated on me with had a miscarriage for sympathy. I had really wanted kids and he cheated with a woman who had a toddler. He told me 'I understand why you wanted kids now as he's amazing. I love waking up to him!' that was a massive sucker punch to the gut. He's not part of my life anymore thank fuck! I stopped all that shit being a door mat to him and met a lovely man. Obvs you have kids with your ex so you can't cut him out of your life like I did. I agree with others you need to grey rock him and stop it dead. Also agree you need to report him to hmrc and cms. It's not fair on the rest of us who work and pay tax to be paying for him to be on benefits when he is working. And its really unfair that he's not paying cm, I'd be so much more angry about that! Only a loser stops seeing his kids and stops paying for them. You are worth a thousand of him so stop letting him make you feel shit.

Sounds like he's over exaggerating so you think he's got the best life ever.I wouldn't read to much into his comments he can see how well your doing on your own.I would avoid any contact other than childrens needs so you don't dwell on what he's telling you.