Partner unsupportive after my pet died, am I right to reconsider us?

[Shani85]

I lost my beloved pet last week im devastated. It was a traumatic experience as she was having seizures all night and hallucinating and screaming. She had to be put down which was traumatising saying goodbye. My partner of 11 years was very cold towards me when i was crying he sat on his phone and was singing. We had an arguement as i felt really alone in that moment and he went home. A couple of days later he sent me a message explaining he find people crying over death hard to deal with as he lost his dad when he was younger and people crying over death brings that all back to him. I said I understood but he never said sorry or making me feel alone and uncared for in that moment its like I had to listen amd understand his side but i never got a sorry. I kinda disconnected from him abit after that and yesterday i had to sort out her cremation and getting her ashes and it took a toll on me i was awake crying most the night. Ontop of that i am under alot of financial stress aswell as the sshes are costing me £300 and my car has just broken and i just dont have the money to fix it. This morning he called me and said 'you alright' i said 'i have to shut off for a few days' he said in an aggressive tone 'for what reason' i said im just really feeling emotionally stressed and financial pressure' he said again in an agrressive tone 'well i dont know why your stressing so much, you need to go to the doctor' and then said he had to go and that was it. I left the call feeling really uncared for again. I sent him a message saying i really dont need that aggressive tone at this time when im already feeling so low. He then tried to say it was an aggressive tone and im making it up then started being abusive to me over messgaes and saying i just want to argue because i am in a bad mood. I just dont know what to do now. I cant believe the lack of care and understanding i am getting from him. I feel really disconnected and feel like finishing with him but I know my emotions are all over the place at moment. What should i do? I cant talk to him he always turns things around or says its all in my head or that things didnt happen that way but thats just not true.

Sorry for your loss.

He doesn’t sound like much of a partner. A partner should make you feel supported and cared for.

Sorry for your loss and dump the twat . 💐

So sorry for your loss OP. As for your so called partner, I'd take this is as an opportunity to end things. I wouldn't be able to forgive that. He sounds weak and immature. What about down the line, for example, when you lose a relative? How is he going to be then? His attitude would be a deal-breaker for me.

The way he has behaved since that night would have me ending the relationship. You don't need a 'DP' who is less than supportive and tries to gaslight you. He sounds very argumentative and unpleasant.

I am sorry for your loss op.

Hes a vile bastard and they never change, they enjoy being that way and get a weird kick out of it. Get rid of this loser.

He sounds like a twat. I would definitely not be staying in that relationship. When someone else is hurting, it doesn't matter how "he" feels and "why".

Is he like 13? Get rid.

I'm sorry about your loss. Losing our little friends is devastating and on top of everything else you're going through.

I'm sorry for your loss. The death of a pet is awful.

A couple of days later he sent me a message explaining he find people crying over death hard to deal with as he lost his dad when he was younger and people crying over death brings that all back to him

Nope.

Don't even go down that route.

SO many women allow themselves to attribute shitty behaviour to some kind of childhood traumas, when it's just plain old selfishness or cruelty. A lot of men know that women are kind hearted so they will try to use that excuse if they think it will allow them to get away with fucked up behaviour.

Also, I'm afraid that if he can't behave with reasonable decency to another human being at a vulnerable and distressing time, he shouldn't be in a relationship. The reason why they do want a relationship anyway because they put their own needs first and if other people get hurt along the way, no matter!

You're sad and grieving right now, but you need to be angry because he's taken you for the kind of woman who will tolerate this kind of behaviour, which is insulting for you and worrying.

There's A LOT men out there who are in relationships because of convenience and comfort. They want a nice, warm, kind hearted woman to dote on them and provide sex, whilst they try to ensure that they have to give as little as possible in return. They regards those women as white goods, as household appliances, and when they breakdown or need maintenance (like having the audacity to be ill), it's an annoying inconvenience for them as that isn't what they signed up for.

Dump him. He will not be there for you when you need him in future.

So in effect he’s made your loss all about him. He’s a twat and you deserve so much better x

Get rid of him. You will never be able to rely on someone with no empathy. He sounds cold and uncaring.

So sorry for your loss, and he sounds horrific. Don't know how long you've been together, but sounds like you don't live together or have children, so end it before your life gets any more enmeshed. Even if he is not a 'pet' person, his lack of kindness is shocking.

He’s not the one for you.

My partner of 11 years was very cold towards me when i was crying he sat on his phone and was singing.

There's unsupportive and then there's this type of behaviour. Singing on his hone is really inappropriate and asshole behaviour.

Most people would be upset at a pet's death.

I agree with the poster above who says he's using the story about his dad's death to get away with being an asshole.

Yes, I'd be done. Him singing while you're so upset is such strange behaviour, he's deliberately being a jerk.

Dear Partner, I’m really disappointed in your lack of care and compassion to me when you can see and I’ve told you I’m struggling at the moment. If as you say you can’t handle crying over a death as it reminds you of your dad dying then I think you have issues you need to resolve via therapy as that shouldn’t prevent you empathising and supporting.

It also shows that you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you are unable to emotionally connect with me in the way I need and want. I wish you the best for the future but I see my future with someone who has these qualities. OP

He needed to show some compassion and empathy to someone he apparently loves, and didn’t. He doubled down on his behaviour and has made you feel worse. I would take a step back for a while and give yourself some space, and reassess x

Losing your beloved pet is devastating and all sorts of hell to get through. It took me almost 2 years to get over the loss of two of my cats, within 2 months of each other, one I’d had 18 years. It broke me and only 3 new kittens joining my family took me away from the pain. Losing your pet is devastating, losing him would be a blessing‼️ he sounds vile, uncaring and selfish, I’d have told him to fuck right off out of my life by the end of his first attitude problem episode. What an arsehole. You deserve better. I’m sorry about your pet xxxx

Yes, the singing when OP's pet is dying/has just died is truly gobsmacking.

I read the OP and then thought, wait, what did I just read? And went back and reread it with my eyes getting wider and wider.

Jesus, just when you think you've heard it all.

OP, this man is unspeakable. He doesn't deserve you. Imagine how he will treat you if you become seriously ill.

When you have been upset in the past what was his reaction?

Your pet was part of your "family" and he isn't. He is not a good person for you or anyone. Bin him.

Didn't you post before and have it deleted? That your rabbit died and you'd been crying to him for days and days?

He’s a weirdo. Narcissistic twat. Bin him off.

He's an arsehole. Dump him

I don’t buy the excuse of bringing back childhood trauma. Some people just see Pets as being replaceable objects, especially if they are not your typical cat or dog.
my brother died suddenly and then some months later my guinea pig died. I’d been up looking after him through the night after being discharged by the vets and was so tired the next day at work. A colleague said ‘I didn’t see you cry that much after your brother died!’ Ridiculous!

No

Very true

Gosh yes i didnt think of that

We have been together 11 years he was kind to me previously but now recently its like when i have a problem its a hinder to him.