Am I unreasonable about her lunch alone with a former lover?

[RickA]

Have been seeing a woman for 9 months. She was widowed 10 years ago, and 8 years ago had a sexual relationship with someone who had been a friend for 30+ years (he was friends with her and her late husband). She ended that and said it was a mistake (the sexual side lasted less than a year) but they remained friends. Next month she is travelling to the city where he lives, and she is planning a one-on-one lunch at a nice restaurant with him. I do trust her - she assures me that are just friends now - but she hasn't told him about me.

1. That bothers me - she told, and I have met, most all her other friends and family. She says she will tell him when she sees him in person. If it's not an issue and he is not interested in a relationship with her anymore, either, why does it have to be in person?
2. I am not comfortable with her having one-on-one intimate time with a former lover. That probably sounds immature on my part but it is what it is.

She can't see my point at all, and logically I can see I am being silly...but feelings aren't all about logic, are they?

I would not have a one-on-one dinner with an ex even if we remained friends. I do have female friends with whom I have not slept - tennis friends, for example, and sometimes we will eat dinner alone - but to me a line is crossed once sex happens.

I don't think either of us is right / wrong - i think we have mis-matched boundaries.

What thinks everyone else?

The point isn’t whether it’s ok to anyone else - you have said you don’t feel comfortable with it.
if you are committed to each other, and you’ve expressed that this makes you uncomfortable, it needs to be hashed out between the two of you.
we can’t control other people, but if her definition of commitment doesn’t match yours, that might be important information.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with it either, really… although lunch is far better than dinner

I think your lack of trust in her and difficulties with her having lunch with an ex are far more likely to threaten the relationship than the lunch itself. If you can see you’re ’being silly’, then it’s on you to regulate your behaviour, not her to change the lunch. She’s said she will tell him about you when she sees him, presumably she has her reasons. You either trust her or you don’t.

I think your first concern is reasonable and your second is controlling.

If a boyfriend of nine months wanted me to give up an in-person relationship with a friend of 30+ years just because the friend and I had had a deeper relationship many years ago, I’d suggest the boyfriend move on.

It’s your job to grow up, not her job to coddle your immature insecurities.

The fact she hasn't mentioned you is very telling.

I don't want to be controlling - and I would not offer any sort of ultimatum. But don't we all have boundaries about how we interact with former lovers, and expect something similar from a current partner? The boundary is probably in different places for each of us. Phone calls? Regularly texting? Coffee? Lunch? Dinners? Dinner followed by a nightclub? Sharing a hotel room after going to a concert together? I'm not saying which of those are acceptable and which aren't - just some examples of where our boundaries may be?

This issue I have written about I think is a mismatch of boundaries. I wouldn't have a one-on-one lunch date with a former lover at an upscale restaurant; that's ok with her. To me, if I had been friends with someone of the opposite sex, then it turns sexual, a line has been crossed and things are different. As we all are,,,,

I agree it's a mismatch. I wouldn't go for dinner with an ex alone because to me it wouldn't feel right. I'd not want to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to either. To me it isn't an isuse of trust but of respect. However, it's clearly fine in some people's books so not a black and white issue in general.

In general, I think when you've crossed that line and had a very intimate relationship with someone, it's not really appropriate to go out to dinner with them when you are in a new relationship. However, there was a very long friendship ahead of that time, so that won't go away overnight. He's a link to her former husband (who will always have a place of importance for her). Tricky one. In the end, you either trust her or you don't. When you get older it's hard to find relationships without baggage.

It's lunch. She's told you about it. You can feel uncomfortable about it but pushing this will not make her feel more like you do about it. That she has not mentioned you to all and sundry suggests at least that she is still deciding how she feels about your relationship. Try and concentrate on the relationship you are having now, 9 months together is not that long, it shouldn't be feeling hard work or worrying.

I think it’s interesting you’ve changed lunch to dinner for your example. Lunch is more for mates, mums and catch ups. Dinner is more candlelight and romance. I’d be fine with it. If you aren’t, you can end the relationship. What you can’t do is tell her to do what you want.

But they're not having intimate one-on-one time. They're dining in public.

I think it's really controlling of you to mind about this, and you should examine that feeling much closer instead of just saying "It is what it is." People should not have to give up their old acquaintances for a new relationship. For all she knows, the relationship might only last X amount of time, and then you'll be gone and she'll have let her old friends slip away.

Your reaction would make more sense if she'd given you reason to mistrust her, like cheating before. But she hasn't.

I would feel very constricted if I couldn't go to see an old friend. I mean, you really have quite a nerve considering that you've known her nine months and the guy has been a friend for decades. He also knew her late husband, so they can reminisce. It will be lovely for her to talk to someone who knew him.

Honestly, in today’s dining out culture, I feel like restaurants that are designed for candlelight and romance are few and far between. Most places are either cheap and cheerful or smart casual.

Unless they’re going to somewhere with Michelin stars, it seems like a stretch to assume that it’s anything more than two old friends wanting a chance for a proper catch up.

Also pretty surprised at people who say they would have lunch with an ex but not dinner. Crazy! Evenings are when most people are free. If we all lived in the same town, I probably wouldn't go for dinner but would be more likely to grab an occasional coffee, but if you're passing through someone's town and you only get to see them rarely, you have to see them when they're available. Thank God it's lunch; sounds like dinner would have tipped you over the edge! 🤣

A boyfriend of nine months thinking he can dictate about a decades-long friendship? I hope the woman in question sees sense here.

Crikey, you're freaking out about her meeting someone who she's had a 30yr friendship that 8 years ago was a relationship for a year?

If it was going somewhere, it would have then. Don't the 29, count them, 29 years of it being nothing but platonic matter?

Do you really think a 9mth relationship with you should mean she shouldn't see an old friend of 3 decades for lunch?

You may be uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean she should limit herself to soothe you. Self-soothe.

I don’t think having lunch classes as ‘intimate one on one time’. Just because a person is in a romantic relationship, I don’t think they should cut off everyone from the past. The sexual relationship has been over for 8 years, and it’s set within a long term friendship. This to me, is not the same as meeting up with a sex buddy but it seems from your wording this is how you’re viewing this, plus I’m sure if they wanted to be together, they wouldn’t have waited 8 years to do something about it.

I don’t agree that a line is crossed purely from sex and not everyone has the same hard boundaries. Just because sex WAS a feature of the relationship previously, people shift and change it doesn’t mean it is now. I think the bigger long term issue here would be around compatible boundaries, and not who is ‘right’ in the abstract. You do seem very opposed to the others perspective.

I think you're right. Not about the lunch, I think in early widowhood some odd decisions with men who should have remained as friends can be made, and she can have lunch with who she chooses.

But, she's obviously nervous about telling him about you and is giving his feelings more concern than yours.

You either trust her or you don't.

They've had a friendship for 30+ years, some of that (many years ago) was a sexual relationship. They've both moved on. So, you either be a grown up and accept that adults can be friends with people they've previously had sex with may years ago, or you prove yourself to be insecure and attempt to coerce her into ending a lifelong friendship over a bite to eat.

I've got 3 male friends who I've previously had sex with that I still meet infrequently - I even went to one's home a couple of years ago <shocker>. I'd dump any man who showed he didn't trust me to go to lunch, dinner or even back to the home of a former old flame if it was purely platonic nowadays.

You're entirely correct that different people have different boundaries.

You're also perfectly entitled to express what you think your boundaries are.

Equally she is perfectly entitled to express what her boundaries are, which she appears to have done.

Where I take issue, is that you seem to be saying that because your boundaries are more restrictive, she needs to adjust to meet them. That the action/responsibility is on her now to resolve the impasse.

I don't think this is correct.

The responsibility to resolve this impasse is on you, as the more restrictive party.

Evenmoreso, given she has a long history with this person that was not sexual.

You don't mention any specific concern or mistrust of her - more a general mistrust which is not about her previous actions/behaviour.

It's lunch. It's not dinner and drinks, it's not a night away.

I think you need to examine whether your relationship is more or less important than your boundaries in this quite specific set of circumstances.

It really doesn't matter if it's lunch or dinner. 12.30-2.00 could be 30 minutes sushi lunch plus 2 hours sex. Dinner could be a platonic curry or pizza for 90 minutes, then innocently parting ways, going back alone to hotel, and checking in faithfully by phone with partner.

What matters is communication about boundaries. I also agree that a past sexual relationship changes things.

The tellong in person does not sound good to me. It makes for drama.

As you say, it's a mismatch.

Personally, it wouldn't bother me, but both me and DP have exes that we've remained friends with afterwards, and we occasionally see them one on one.

So, you've got a choice to make. You can tell her you're not comfortable with this, and you'd rather she didn't do it. She may (probably) still decide to go ahead with lunch. In which case you've got two options. Decide it's not that big a deal after all, or end the relationship.

Either of those choices is fine, it's a personal decision. What you can't do is decide to continue the relationship despite not being OK with it, and keep having an issue with it every time she sees this person in the future.

That's not fair on her, and it wouldn't be fair on you either.

Decision!

I always hate looking at threads here where you don't see the conclusion so here goes.

I've thought hard about my boundaries and we have had two lengthy zoom conversations. As I pointed out to her, she does have some boundaries RE her exes - she wouldn't, for example, go for a weekend away with an ex. So now we are in agreement that we both have boundaries, it's about agreeing on those so we are both clear.

What initially upset me was that she initialy labeled one of my boundaries (no one on one intimate dinners with former sexual partners) immature and controlling - as did some respondents on here. I get it. I do trust her so it's not just about the possibility of sex which she has assured is totally off the table, it's an intimacy (nice restaurant, date like environment, alcohol, etc.).

I feel that as this is a long term friend - not someone she had a quick sexual encounter with - the dynamics are different. They had been friends for a long time before I came along - they had a brief sexual fling when she was in a delicate emotional state (she had lost her husband of 20+ years). She doesn't see any issue with having lunch or dinner with him, or with her ex husband (she was married twice). So we have a boundary incompatibility - neither of us is right, and as I have seen on this thread, different people have different boundaries in this area.

She also clarified why she hadn't told this person about me. He has been given a cancer diagnosis and she didn't want to tell him her good news - that she had met someone else. I get that. I asked her, and she agreed, to send him a short text before they meet saying something like "Looking forward to seeing you and telling you about a new guy I am dating" - or something like that.

So we agreed that texts, calls, zooms, coffee / lunch / breakfast with her exes is ok, as long as there is transparency (she tells me - well not everysingle thing but if there's a meal, for example). We have a bit of a stalemate RE dinner. I said to her, "let's say you both happened to be in Paris alone, at the same time, would you have dinner with him?" She said she would. We've had to agree to disagree on that - I wouldn't do that myself and I would prefer her not to - but as she said well is London ok, my hometown, or Barcelona or wherever? So I agreed that although it wasn't what I would do, and I would rather her not, that I wouldn't throw my toys out of the pram or sulk - she will have dinner with these two men in her life.

Where had a big disagreement was when her first husband visits her, which he does occasionally. She is totally fine with him staying over in her spare room, while she's sleeping naked (as she does) next door. I'm not and I wasn't prepared to give on that. So she agreed if that were to happen she would put him up in a hotel.

So in summary we agreed - texts phone calls zooms lunch dinner ok - overnight stays not OK. We both feel listened to and I feel a workable comrpromise is agreed.

I would be interested in hearing others' boundaries!

Do you think perhaps she isn’t as serious about your relationship as you are? This may account for her not telling the old friend about you - I wouldn’t be telling old friends about new
or early relationships if I was still settling in or unsure as to the status of the relationship. if she hasn’t met with said friend in person since you started seeing each other she may not have had the opportunity to update them on her life. I am good friends with my ex but I wouldn’t phone him to tell him i have a boyfriend but might mention it in person. If I didn’t it would be because it wasn’t relevant to the conversation not because I was harbouring secret feelings by a for the ex or ashamed of the current bf.

as for not feeling comfortable with them having lunch thats your problem to deal with. You can’t tell her to not go or make her feel guilty for having lunch with him, they’ve been friends 30
years and you’ve been on the scene for 30 minutes . It doesn’t bode well for your relationship if you’re jealous of a Fling from 10 years ago.

Why are you so insecure?

Yup, OP, you’ve got a nerve. 9 months in? Wow, you’ve got some cheek trying to stop a friendship of 30 years. Which is what you really want isn’t it. You don’t want her to see anyone she’s slept with, do you?

I would feel unbearably constricted with all these limits on who I could eat out with, where, and at what time of day. After all this discussion over a simple dinner between old friends, I'd probably be really turned off, not to mention concerned that you would get more controlling with time. However, there are people who want this type of relationship where socialising with the opposite sex is almost entirely curtailed, so I really think you should find someone more compatible.

I agree about the ex-husband staying over especially if I had a habit of sleeping naked. If I was in a relationship, I would probably suggest a hotel for that. Even though I would know that nothing would happen, I wouldn't have him to stay like that out of respect for my partner. But this is a very different scenario to eating out. Staying over is in a private place, for one thing.

Dinners though, no. I wouldn't accept any limits on that. And if I was in Paris, and my friend was there too, I'd a million times rather have my friend's company at dinner than eat alone.

It shouldn't be this hard. You're incompatible. I'm going to be honest and say I would hate this.