Partner doesn’t want a relationship with my children

[Feralbookworm]

So myself and my partner have been together for a while. We have been very happy and he treats me amazing. He has met my children a handful of times and always seemed very happy with them. I will add the first time him meeting them was not planned, we had been away for the weekend and when we returned his car broke down and I had to lift my girls from my mum’s.
anyway…wee see each other a few times a week, usually a night or day during the week depending on work and day and evening at the weekend ( we live an hour away from each other) I have been happy with this set up and he appeared to be.
he was very quiet the last week or two and I thought something was bothering him and after pushing him he say he struggles being around my children, really only my youngest (8).
He said it’s nothing to do with her behaviour or anything as she is a good kid but he feels he just finds himself getting annoyed with younger kids. he has a teenage son and is a brilliant dad.
he basically ended the relationship then. Said we don’t have a future because of that. He gets anxious and I know he’s in a spiral but I’m still hurt as I wish he was upfront from the start. He knew I had children and he was always the one talking about us moving in together eventually etc etc
we have spoken since but I’m at a loss. I was always happy to continue as we were, we mostly seen each other away from the kids but the odd night he would come down for dinner etc.
He now has shut down and is just very matter of fact and cold, yet he says he would do anything to make us work.
I feel I should just let him go but Aibu? Even when I’ve spoke about making it work he meets me with roadblocks, things that might happen etc etc

See this was kind of what I wanted in the first place, companionship. I love my own company and my last relationship was 15 years and honestly drained me. he was the one that wanted it all. I didn’t want just casual sex etc but just one person to spend time with

I just think that I couldn't be arsed to spend any time with someone who basically didn't like my kid and couldn't be bothered to make an effort to like my kid even if they weren't spending much time together. It's like accepting bits off his plate. I wouldn't want to keep my life so compartmentalised and then when the kid is old enough to suddenly be acceptable to him introduce them or something?

PS. the chances he's a really good dad are about 5% I reckon.

6 months, end it. He's future faked and love bombed you. Those are both big red flags so early on.

He told you your kids are a deal breaker and they annoy him, but he wants to keep seeing you? It sounds like he wants sex on tap and fuck dem kids. That's not a mindset you can change or do anything about.

Does he own his own home?

Agree - he probably spends v little time with his son.

I think you need to block him. He’s ended the relationship and therefore should no longer have access to you. This doesn’t know what he wants is the beginning of him messing you about.

That’s bollocks though isn’t it? He won’t ‘do anything to make it work’ because the only way it will work is if he’s willing to accept your children and build some kind of relationship with them.

What he really means is ‘I’ll say anything to try and get what I want’, which will mean you being in a constant state of having to choose between him and your kids to make him happy. While he is off the hook for any kind of commitment.

He clearly doesn’t want the relationship, but probably still wants your company and attention.

Errrr why is this even a question for you to post on here??? Your first instinct should have been to tell him to grow up and block him
You see each other a few times a week sounds like a casual boyfriend not a partner - a partner means a partnership, didn't he know you had kids when you first met ?? Do they not live with you , anyway You cannot have this man around your kids You don't know what he's capable of and he was right to end the relationship with you if he doesn't want to be around your young children, unless he is using them as an excuse to dump you and there is another reason
Anyway that's all irrelevant, please block him and find someone who's mature, kind and can accept you and your children. Hes a weirdo

That’s harsh. He doesn’t want the relationship to continue. That’s valid. We don’t have to continuing relationships that aren’t working for us. It doesn’t make anybody trash

Why are some women so determined to make them man out to be a villain?

The OP said he’s a great father so why are you assuming he’s not?

The man doesn’t want to continue the relationship that’s okay. Nobody has to continue a relationship that they’re not feeling it working for any reason

What he did wasn’t fine
Ghosting wouldn’t be fine But communicating that it’s not working for him anymore is just normal adult relationship behaviour

'I'll do anything to make it work' = except if it puts me out or doesn't fit in with what I want

He wants to be the kind of guy who says this stuff, without actually having to mean it or do it.

End it and next time he says this, tell him 'no you wouldn't because you've drawn this line, nobody else, just you'. Look for someone who will like and appreciate your kids and respect your primary role as their mum. Don't agree to be friends or stay in touch. It's for his benefit only and will not help you.

Your not listening a lot of people have kids they get to teenager stage you get that level of freedom back and can’t be arse with young dependent kids again been there done that

accept it and move in.

Ageee. Regardless of what happened he is a fantastic father. Has his son as much as he can and would do anything for him.

If he "would do anything to make it work", he would have approached you and told you specifically what wasn't working and tried to brainstorm compromises or arrangements with you rather than breaking up with you without a discussion and saying that the two of you "don't have a future" together. Unless he has fully apologised and said he didn't mean what he said and just had a moment of panic (and in that case, I'd still be very wary) then he is demonstrably NOT willing to "do anything to make it work". He's not even willing to do the basic things, like two-way communication, that are required to make any relationship thrive or even be functional.

Ca you cut him off completely/go "no contact", at least for a while? You need your energy to heal from this breakup, take stock of any "lessons learned" for future relationships, take care of yourself and your family, and move on. Contact with him can only slow this down.

Op You should be asking yourself why you would accept to continue a relationship with a man who has said these things to you. You deserve better

yeah! I expect he'd be agreeable to a fwb "situationship" 🙄 wouldn't he though @Feralbookworm

"I’m at a loss" You are a package, you have children, are you seriously saying that despite him being honest about not wanting a relationship with your children, you'd happily continue trying to make it work?

The loss is not yours, come on now, move on.

yes he does own his own home

I think he has told you how he feels and that isn’t going to change.

I think casual relationships are fine but my concern would be if you decided you wanted more and he didn’t.

I personally would throw this one back and find someone who perhaps doesn’t want to rush things/doesn’t want more kids but is not against the idea of someone else having kids and so if you do end up falling in love, things can become more serious.

Right now, you know you cannot fall for this man as this isn’t the life that he wants.

Yes thank you. That makes a lot of sense
I have from today decided no contact for my own peace of mind and some breathing space.

Six months is not long in the scheme of things, and if someone didn't like or get my kid, they would be a complete non-starter for me, so I would just give this one a wide berth. As others said, go cold turkey, cut him out of your life, heal, learn some lessons and move on.

I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t want a relationship with my cat, let alone my children!

Your partner is contradicting himself...he doesn't want to be with you/it's not working and then the next breath, he wants to do anything to make it work!

His reasons for not wanting to be with you are a little odd, your daughter isn't badly behaved, there's nothing wrong with her but he doesn't like being around her. There has to be a reason why?? Unless of course he's using your daughter as an excuse to end the relationship??

I would understand his reasoning, if he didn't have children, but he has a son. He knows exactly what 8 year olds are like, as his own son was 8 at some point!

Your partner clearly isn't happy in the relationship, regardless of the reasons behind it. He doesn't want to be with you any more. I know it hurts like hell, and has come as a shock to you, but you need to accept that the relationship is over. Staying friends in my opinion is likely to be difficult as it messes with your emotions. Take him at his word. Cut contact. It will be hard, but in the long run, it will be better for you, and will enable you to move forward.

@Feralbookworm - this is disappointing for you. I agree with those who think that he’s not really done anything wrong - you generally get a lot of time back once your DCs become teenagers, so i understand the point he is making. He may have started out thinking he could make this work but realised he could not. But in your shoes, i would need to go no contact. Friendship wouldn’t really be possible for me in the circumstances you describe - i would find it too painful - and he has forfeited all claim to your time and attention.

The bar is so low for men. I very much doubt that someone who "just finds himself getting annoyed with younger kids" and can "shut down....very matter of fact and cold" is a brilliant Dad.

Based on a multitude of other Mumsnet threads, this has nothing to do with your dd. His head has been turned by another woman. There is always another woman.

I mean this as kindly as possible OP, I think he used the not wanting to be around the children as an excuse.
His actions and words after are I would assume are him trying to be kind, he wants to be with you etc etc however he is being unkind because it leaves you with false hope.
End contact, you can't be friends and a fwb situation with him will confuse and hurt you more going forward.