My dad chose my narc mum over me and his grandchild

[MauriceTheMussel]

My mum was staying with my husband, me and our newborn (her first and currently only grandchild) a few months ago. In that stay she interpreted my husband as being “off” with her - he wasn’t and my dad told her so too. Long story short, she decided that he was indeed giving her the cold shoulder so called him a “fucking cunt”, stormed out of our house using her suitcase to deliberately scuff the staircase walls and then spitefully renege on looking after our cats whilst we got into a rhythm with the newborn.

I’m really trying not to over explain or plead my case as that’s something I’m working on with my therapist (largely as a result of my parents assuming the worst in me and thus me having to exonerate myself for every perceived slight). Objectively, my husband is the nicest person. When he realised my mum thought he was ignoring her, he went to apologise (even though we both thought she was crazy) just to keep the peace. She was in our house at that point and refused to listen to him because she “was too hurt”. The next day she left when my dad picked her up (that was when the one way name calling and vandalism occurred). My dad was mortified and apologised to us both for her behaviour.

3 days later, my dad emailed me saying it was all a big misunderstanding and we were bad hosts and my mum “was willing to apologise if DH and I phoned their landline to apologise first to prove that we meant it”… I told him that wouldn’t be happening. We didn’t do anything wrong, DH already had apologised, and there’s just no excuse for calling him what she did.

5 months has now passed without a peep from her. I haven’t seen my dad since and instead have just exchanged basically weather chat and I’ve sent him pictures of his only grandson. Spoiler: he has two older children from a previous marriage who he doesn’t see and they also have children.

Yesterday I asked him if DH, me and baby could take him (and only him) to lunch. He declined. My dad is usually a reasonable person (clearly in a codependent echo chamber with my mum. I’ve had loads of therapy, can see I’m not the common denominator, and read all the Susan Forward books etc) but MY GOD it hurts that he’s chosen obvious wrong over right and not only rejected me but also my kid and all because she just won’t apologise.

I reiterated to him she wasn’t invited because she has shown no remorse or apology. Absolute radio silence from her since the day it kicked off. He then aggressively texts me “she was willing to apologise but then I (me, OP) made it into a disagreement and now caused all this upset”. By “made it into a disagreement”, he means I said her only apologising if we did was insincere and the whole thing wasn’t a misunderstanding, it was one person unilateral being mental and immature and unreasonable over something they imagined in their heads and now everyone else had to accept equal liability so my mum could essentially save face.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I guess it’s just hard not to feel personally rejected by my own father for someone he knew (initially at least) to be in the wrong (and she’s got 40+ years form for this kind of behaviour) and he won’t see me or my kid unless she’s invited too.

I won’t be held hostage to her but, Jesus. It stings. Her shenanigans don’t bother me, it’s her MO. But his? I just expected better.

Unfortunately, his personality is just so disinterested in everything (or is it uninterested?). By that I mean, he’s not an angry person, a nasty person not a bitchy person etc. He just doesn’t care. The house could be on fire and his heart rate wouldn’t get above 60. He puts in minimal effort so it’d be me doing all the chasing and on some level I’ll also always think “you know what they’re like…how can you also sit by?”

Maybe that's his coping mechanism and you're seeing his behaviour through the prism of your parents.

I appreciate you know the dynamics better than me though. It did just make me think.

Oh, no 100%. I’d lie low too to keep out of their crossfire

Oh, no 100%. I’d lie low too to keep out of their crossfire

Oh, no 100%. I’d lie low too to keep out of their crossfire

Look this is really tough. I cut my own father out of my life because he was a heroin addict who was verbally abusive and emotionally abusive. It was a hard but necessary decision. All I am saying is be careful with this strategy of blocking everyone. Why block your own brother? The entire thing is a family argument that can blow over in time if you allow it. Is is really worth your child not having grandparents? I know you will vigorously defend yourself here, please don't bother. Just think about it. Your mother was out of line 100%. Was she a generally stable mother who cooked cleaned took care of you were there any happy times? You are considering discarding your entire family over this. Just take a breath and give it some time

Goodness me @DeepRubySwan why don't you try reading @MauriceTheMussel 's posts a little more closely?

Stable this woman wasn't.

You presumably had to estrange from your father because he had a pattern of behaviour that was abusive and erratic so you understand that can be a necessity. I don’t know how you would feel if people suggested that you should have just continued the relationship anyway in spite of his abusive erratic behaviour. I know I get people on and off who tell me I should have continued the relationship with my parents but they don’t understand the cost of doing that to my mental health and I do and I know they are wrong.

The OPs mother has a pattern-of behaviour that is abusive and erratic and that might necessitate something similar to your own situation and mine just without the addiction, she is best placed to know if she can deal with it long term or not.

Every narcissist needs an enabler, you may have learned that in therapy, and that’s your dad. Doesn’t help of course but trying to work out why either of them are like that will send you bonkers . They come as a package sadly.

you have my sympathy though it’s awful to feel abandoned by the “good” parent or to realise they aren’t any better.

my mum chose her dog over me , slightly different but that stings!

Update: when my dad declined the lunch invitation and I reiterated that she wasn’t invited because she had no remorse/apology, he basically (it’s hard to describe, but just take my word for it) tried to interrogate me. I replied “no, I’m not doing this. Any answer I give you will be an argument. Since she won’t apologise and you won’t see us, there’s zero point communicating. Have a good weekend.” He then text twice (just blaming/bit of goady questioning) and got no reply from me.

NOW he’s said his plans have changed and was the lunch invitation still open… obviously it’s not like he was going to the cinema and that’s why he couldn’t meet for lunch. After much deliberation and consideration for my original motive (seeing him and him seeng the baby), I said” “yes, but on the original terms” (ie him solo).

Asked him where he wanted to eat. He said he didn’t want to go out (of our house) and to order in…aka this is about to be a showdown/ambush. I am well aware this is potentially the last time I see my dad. I’ll 100% be blamed for something and there will be tears/high tension (DH will be there), so im rehearsing stock phrases “ok. That’s your opinion. That is my boundary. No need to argue. Agree to disagree.” and just swerve as much discussion on my mum as possible.

I guess I’m going ahead with this for some kind of finality - either he says he wants to have a relationship with us without her or it’s “we come as a package” (and that fork I’ll deal with when we get there).

Obviously I feel 13 again. DH is exhausted too. So I feel u need to be brave and do this meeting so one way or another I don’t have to get upset every birthday, Christmas, mothers/Father’s Day text

Honestly my narc mother has destroyed my life. She hated my husband so made false claims turned my child against us and called child services to get what she wanted destruction as i didnt obey. My advise RUN keep her away. My dad now believes her claims and backs her. The level of betrayal is so high it has near broken me

I’m so sorry to hear that @Candy24. I just can’t fathom why these people bothered to have children.

Honestly it is soul destroying. Your mother will try now prove your husband is bad as she will want everyone to hate him

Sorry you’re experiencing this op, it’s not what you need with a baby.
I do however think you’re letting your dad off too lightly.
hes allowed awful toxic behaviour and treatment of you as a child and as a new mum. He supports and backs up all the things your mum does, by either staying silent or adding to them, pushing you to apologise for instance.
He abandoned two older children already, he simply doesn’t care about anyone but himself

neither of them are capable of a healthy relationship with you on the terms you want so you have to decide if you accept them as they are, and want to have some sort of relationship with them, even if it’s only to see them for an hour once a month for instance, or if it’s not worth the negatives they will bring to your life

My mum.was abusive so hugs.

Another option is you give an apology that you don't need to mean. Then have them back in your life at very surface / gray rock level.

That's not going to be a popular option. But for me I just didn't need the ongoing drama and didn't want no contact. Then treat your mum like a gossiping aunt. You can't trust or rely on. So never stays again, you never get to close again. You never trust her again. But you just never declare thise new rules to her.

You can't win here. She isn't capable of giving you what you need.

We could be sisters OP, my own mother is exactly like this. We have had NC with her for 8 years out of the last 10. My children refused to stay at hers from aged 6 because of the way she would go from zero to 100 with her temper when I thought she had chilled out, so glad my kids spoke up! (she used to punch herself in the face and smash her head off walls when I was a child) Mine falls out with everyone, does not have a good thing to say about anything or anyone, so the last time we fell out, it was for good. I miss seeing her on her good days but realised how much just being in her presence was affecting me and my mental health realising how traumatised I was from having her as my safe space, when it was far from the reality, I parented her and my younger siblings from age 10. Could your Dad be in a DV or coercive situation?