My dad chose my narc mum over me and his grandchild

[MauriceTheMussel]

My mum was staying with my husband, me and our newborn (her first and currently only grandchild) a few months ago. In that stay she interpreted my husband as being “off” with her - he wasn’t and my dad told her so too. Long story short, she decided that he was indeed giving her the cold shoulder so called him a “fucking cunt”, stormed out of our house using her suitcase to deliberately scuff the staircase walls and then spitefully renege on looking after our cats whilst we got into a rhythm with the newborn.

I’m really trying not to over explain or plead my case as that’s something I’m working on with my therapist (largely as a result of my parents assuming the worst in me and thus me having to exonerate myself for every perceived slight). Objectively, my husband is the nicest person. When he realised my mum thought he was ignoring her, he went to apologise (even though we both thought she was crazy) just to keep the peace. She was in our house at that point and refused to listen to him because she “was too hurt”. The next day she left when my dad picked her up (that was when the one way name calling and vandalism occurred). My dad was mortified and apologised to us both for her behaviour.

3 days later, my dad emailed me saying it was all a big misunderstanding and we were bad hosts and my mum “was willing to apologise if DH and I phoned their landline to apologise first to prove that we meant it”… I told him that wouldn’t be happening. We didn’t do anything wrong, DH already had apologised, and there’s just no excuse for calling him what she did.

5 months has now passed without a peep from her. I haven’t seen my dad since and instead have just exchanged basically weather chat and I’ve sent him pictures of his only grandson. Spoiler: he has two older children from a previous marriage who he doesn’t see and they also have children.

Yesterday I asked him if DH, me and baby could take him (and only him) to lunch. He declined. My dad is usually a reasonable person (clearly in a codependent echo chamber with my mum. I’ve had loads of therapy, can see I’m not the common denominator, and read all the Susan Forward books etc) but MY GOD it hurts that he’s chosen obvious wrong over right and not only rejected me but also my kid and all because she just won’t apologise.

I reiterated to him she wasn’t invited because she has shown no remorse or apology. Absolute radio silence from her since the day it kicked off. He then aggressively texts me “she was willing to apologise but then I (me, OP) made it into a disagreement and now caused all this upset”. By “made it into a disagreement”, he means I said her only apologising if we did was insincere and the whole thing wasn’t a misunderstanding, it was one person unilateral being mental and immature and unreasonable over something they imagined in their heads and now everyone else had to accept equal liability so my mum could essentially save face.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I guess it’s just hard not to feel personally rejected by my own father for someone he knew (initially at least) to be in the wrong (and she’s got 40+ years form for this kind of behaviour) and he won’t see me or my kid unless she’s invited too.

I won’t be held hostage to her but, Jesus. It stings. Her shenanigans don’t bother me, it’s her MO. But his? I just expected better.

My brother, the golden child, will likely have his own child soon. He can do no wrong and that accolade will obviously be bestowed upon his own child. There has been massive triangulation and pitting me against him (“why can’t you be more like your brother?” Etc), so I am not at all close with him. I last saw him 5 years ago and don’t really care if I never see him again - just apathetic. My dilemma then is: do I block my brother too? He’s not nothing actively wrong but I hate hearing about his life (solely via my parents), and as my brother is a reminder of how unfairly I am treated versus him by our parents, I think if I’m cutting the snake off, I cut the whole snake off?

Sorry for all the typos and predictive text errors

Given he has already cut out his other children then its not shocking he can so easily do it to you.
No matter what he says about them im sure at one point they adored him and didnt think he would leave.
He probably finds it easier to justify by saying they caused probelms so best avoid them. Probably the same he will say about you.
Its awfully sad for you and his other children. But he wont change. Best for your mental health to try and ignore them .

Similarly my dm flounced from my home after words with dh.
I didn't contact her for 10 years... Best 10 years of my life so far then.
Had a staged relationship for 2 years after that then I went nc. Been 14 years now and I won't be going back this time.
Enjoy the peace op. Seems like me you deserve some.

You didn't do anything wrong. Your mum is abusive and your dad is her flying monkey. He is no contact with his children from his first marriage so he is obviously a pretty shit father to them as well.

Stop reaching out to your dad as it just gives him the opportunity to reject you and your child and this will always be hurtful.

You and your DH should just get on with your lives with your lovely baby. I hope your in-laws are nice.

On your brother I think you should just let that play out itself. It sounds like you don’t actually have a day to day relationship with him so bringing that into such an emotionally impactful situation as dealing with the grief of losing the relationship with your parents would just compound your loss.

When I lost my parents other relationships naturally went along with that over time but actually some other relationships have become much more significant as a direct consequence of losing the relationship with my parents. I have some incredible cousin relationships that were previously much lesser relationships in my life.

OP, there is nothing you can do about this. It will always be the same. I am much older than you but things bothered me for ages and as soon as me (and my sister) both realised there was nothing we could do about our situation with our parents and went LC then we both felt so much happier. I know it is very hard for you but please, please do try to put this behind you and not let it bother you.
You can be the opposite of your parents like I have tried to be. We have a wonderful relationship with our adult children and grandchildren.
Just concentrate on your new baby. Sending good wishes.

I can understand that you feel sorry about losing contact with your brother, but from the sound of it, it's a fairly tenuous link which you have already. If you only found out snippets of news from your parents, he wasn't doing a whole lot to strengthen the links between you.
If you are no longer there to be a target for arguments, he may find that he is shifted in to fill the slot, and if he is used to Golden Child treatment, he is more likely to spot the change and stand up for himself much sooner that you and your other siblings did.
There is no need to sever ties with him, although you might need to spell things out if your DM tries to enlist him as a flying monkey; after all, if either parent died, the sibling bond would remain (that sounds a bit morbid, but I hope you see what I mean!)

Am I right in thinking that your dad's older children are women? If so, it's possible that there could be some deep rooted misogyny issues at play here for your mum and your dad.

Just hypothesising but it seems like your mother may see other woman as a threat to her own position (even if they are related) whereas in contrast your brother doesn't pose that kind of threat to her. She seems to have control issues around women and now you've become a mother your role has changed and has stirred up some feelings of resentment and jealousy towards you. What kind of relationship did she have with her own mother and female relatives? Was she vying for her dad's attention when she was young?

Your father may be displaying a certain attitude of misogyny towards his daughters, in that 'your role is to be pleasing and accommodating and if you challenge the status quo then you're no longer accepted'. He clearly doesn't see you or his other daughters in the same way as his son. That is going to hurt but might be the truth that a lot of women face within their wider family.

If any of this rings a bell for you then it would go some way towards explaining the golden child position your brother occupies. It doesn't make it less painful but it seems like there may be some deep rooted patterns in your family that you are fighting against and will never change.

As much as you can resent the position your brother occupies, no one has an easy ride in this dynamic. If your brother has a child the relationship may become strained between your mother and the child's mother as she once again tries to assert control. It won't be plain sailing.

Think of dysfunctional families as a computer program, the parameters and output are set and locked in, it's just the data inputted that is the variable. You are the data and no matter what you do or don't do the output will be the same. It was never about you as a person, you were just fed into a toxic system and processed accordingly.

The good news is you can chose not to run the program and be used as collateral damage to someone else's dysfunctional programming. You can spare yourself, your DH and your child from that. Your brother is still inside it and will be effected by it, as will his wife and child.

Because he's her dad! JFC, he's not some random dude, he's her father! If my DH behaved the way OP's mum did towards our kids I wouldn't be choosing him over them!

It's probably quite normal for a man to be loyal to his wife, to be honest. What matters is why all this bothers you so much, OP.
This 100%
Many years ago I was in a similar position @MauriceTheMussel . I had gone NC with my narcissistic mother after she walked out of a family meal that was meant to be a thawing of our dysfunctional relationship.
I still spoke to my father on the phone occasionally. One time he rang to say my mother was upset I hadn't sent her a mother's day card (having not spoken to each other for six months at the time). He then said to me that he hoped I'd understand but his first consideration would always be my mother, his wife. I perfectly understood his reasoning and bore him no ill will.
But the end result was that my DCs had no relationship with either of their maternal grandparents. They had already witnessed my mother's dreadful behaviour and I wanted no more of it.

If you're not that bothered about seeing him again, then just do nothing.

For what it's worth, I have a similar family set up. My dad is also a very reasonable person when away from my mother, but he will refuse to side against her (and a PP was right - he has chosen to do this) even when her behaviour is undefendable by any objective person.

I send my golden child brother a short bland email at Christmas. He does likewise. So we are still in contact but not really iyswim.

Having a child is often a catalyst for toxic family situations to come to light. You are so conditioned to your parents' behaviour you think it is normal, but when you have your own child you can't imagine how they could have treated you like they did. You will also (hopefully) realise that if your DH behaved in an appalling way to your own child that you would support your child against him.

The hardest bit is realising that your mother will never be the mother that you deserved her to be and stop chasing her in the hope that you can change her.
The even harder bit is realising that your father is also not the father that you deserved him to be and that you can't rely on him either.

Unfortunately your dad is her enabler and secondary abuser so it was always this he was going to chooses her over you. He is truly a weak bystander of a man.
He’s likely also said similar to do not criticise my choice of wife.

Best thing here is to have no contact with any of them. With you out of the picture they will likely further turn on each other. Let them get on with it.

Women like your mother cannot do relationships and always but always need a willing enabler to help them. Step forward your dad.

He has and will continue to throw you under the bus to save his own skin. Such bystanders act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

People from dysfunctional families end up
playing roles and all the people in your family of origin are doing this. You’re the scapegoat here for their inherent ills and as a result your child will also be scapegoated in favour of your brothers children. Best thing therefore is to have no contact. It is not your fault your mother is the ways she is and you did not make her that way.

You do not need their approval, not that they would give you this anyway. Look at Dr Ramani or YouTube and consider reading Children of the self absorbed by Nina brown.

Do you have to 'do' anything? It seems to me that your DM loves the drama and needs to be respected/in charge/ the boss for want of a better word! She's put herself in the victim position - manipulating the situation, making you the bad guy with the 'I'll apologise but you must do so first'. Your DF wants a quiet life - he's had years of dealing with her drama and is prepared to lose a relationship with you because he won't stand up to his DM.
Stop trying to make the situation 'right'. It entails you making all the effort and you taking the blame. Your DM must always come out on top - if you apologise, you will resent it and there will inevitably be another perceived slight further down the line that you need to apologise for.
Continue your relationship with your DF, but accept the relationship with your DM is broken. You don't need to refer it or address it with your DF. Keep it light with your DF, spend time with him, invite him round etc. You don't need to fix anything, you have made your position clear. Your relationship with your DF isn't reliant on having a relationship with your DM.

Your mother sounds unhinged but your dad has got to live with her and not you, whom he'd only be seeing about once a month. So he's not going to set himself up for a unbearably miserable life by not siding with his wife. Would you have him to live with you if he defended you to the hilt and had to leave your mother?

I think as well that regarding your brother, let it play out. No need at this point to block him. The relationship may fade anyway.

It will all depend now on how your father handles things going forward but honestly, it may be that you end up in the same situation as his previous children. I'm sorry.

@GotMoxy 's post at 13:05 was brilliantly insightful and bears re-reading a lot.

Some great posts.
Your parents, both of them are truly toxic awful people.
Your mother reads as unhinged.

You really shouldn't want these people near your children.
They will bring nothing but grief.

Continue with the therapy.
Your father has form for abandoning children.
Expect nothing decent from these two walking disasters.

Protect your own family now.

Yesterday I asked him if DH, me and baby could take him (and only him) to lunch. He declined

What did you expect though. Whether his wife was right or wrong with whatever happened, he’s not going to do this and stay married, so your ‘pick me dance’ can only end one way. Not saying your mum wax right at all, but why on earth would you put your dad in this situation?

and then spitefully renege on looking after our cats whilst we got into a rhythm with the newborn.

Say what? Unless you are running a commercial cattery or a cat rescue centre, why on earth would your mother have to assist look after your own pet cats because you had a baby? You say your DH was there, how could he not manage to feed them, medicate if necessary and clean some litter trays? Something seems very weird about this. Two adults and one newborn in no way precludes pet cats being looked after (and yes, we had cats when we had kids).

For what it's worth I had something similar but not the same with my father (and stepmother in this case). My father was a good man generally but my stepmother was super abusive to us kids (my full and half siblings) - he didn't know how to stand up to her and it meant my adult relationship till he died was very distant even though i loved him deeply. Having kids absolutely brought that back up as i agree - nothing would stop me protecting them - though I accept that to some extent he thought he was protecting my half siblings by keeping the peace (but in reality also just wanted an easy life). It will take a long time but you will eventually process the fact that your dad can be a good loving man who has flaws - and one of those is this weakness.

Why not do the opposite and try to build a strong relationship with him if even he's done nothing wrong? You were worried about your child not having grandparents - but if he's a good guy other than the way your mother treated you both can you not come together and build a healthy uncle/cousin relationship? Having kids so close together should be bonding?

Go no contact. Sooner or later, your m will give in because she wants to see your dc, and if she doesn't, you haven't lost much. Neither of them have your back, and you don't want them inflicting such stupid games on your child.

Yes, I would. My DH likes my dad very much. He’s very helpful and instantly there to do practical things and help us.

@GotMoxy - actually, yes. His other two children are girls!

Thank you all for your insightful replies, so many have assumed bits and bobs so correctly. I’m just making my way through all the advice.

1. Because when his eldest child asked him, after a few years of LC (she moved out as a teenager to live with her grandmother (my dad’s mum)), to lunch to talk, he went. She hated my mother (her stepmother), and with good reason.

2. I can’t give all the backstory in a thread. It was to be a temporary arrangement to help us. They happily agreed to do it and then once it all kicked off and she’d embarrassed herself, she then deliberately refused to stick to the agreement. Had it been “oh no, too much work. Can’t agree” from the get go, then no problem. It’s that she weaponised it. Whether to spite me/DH or to deflect from her batshit behaviour, IDK.