My dad chose my narc mum over me and his grandchild

[MauriceTheMussel]

My mum was staying with my husband, me and our newborn (her first and currently only grandchild) a few months ago. In that stay she interpreted my husband as being “off” with her - he wasn’t and my dad told her so too. Long story short, she decided that he was indeed giving her the cold shoulder so called him a “fucking cunt”, stormed out of our house using her suitcase to deliberately scuff the staircase walls and then spitefully renege on looking after our cats whilst we got into a rhythm with the newborn.

I’m really trying not to over explain or plead my case as that’s something I’m working on with my therapist (largely as a result of my parents assuming the worst in me and thus me having to exonerate myself for every perceived slight). Objectively, my husband is the nicest person. When he realised my mum thought he was ignoring her, he went to apologise (even though we both thought she was crazy) just to keep the peace. She was in our house at that point and refused to listen to him because she “was too hurt”. The next day she left when my dad picked her up (that was when the one way name calling and vandalism occurred). My dad was mortified and apologised to us both for her behaviour.

3 days later, my dad emailed me saying it was all a big misunderstanding and we were bad hosts and my mum “was willing to apologise if DH and I phoned their landline to apologise first to prove that we meant it”… I told him that wouldn’t be happening. We didn’t do anything wrong, DH already had apologised, and there’s just no excuse for calling him what she did.

5 months has now passed without a peep from her. I haven’t seen my dad since and instead have just exchanged basically weather chat and I’ve sent him pictures of his only grandson. Spoiler: he has two older children from a previous marriage who he doesn’t see and they also have children.

Yesterday I asked him if DH, me and baby could take him (and only him) to lunch. He declined. My dad is usually a reasonable person (clearly in a codependent echo chamber with my mum. I’ve had loads of therapy, can see I’m not the common denominator, and read all the Susan Forward books etc) but MY GOD it hurts that he’s chosen obvious wrong over right and not only rejected me but also my kid and all because she just won’t apologise.

I reiterated to him she wasn’t invited because she has shown no remorse or apology. Absolute radio silence from her since the day it kicked off. He then aggressively texts me “she was willing to apologise but then I (me, OP) made it into a disagreement and now caused all this upset”. By “made it into a disagreement”, he means I said her only apologising if we did was insincere and the whole thing wasn’t a misunderstanding, it was one person unilateral being mental and immature and unreasonable over something they imagined in their heads and now everyone else had to accept equal liability so my mum could essentially save face.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I guess it’s just hard not to feel personally rejected by my own father for someone he knew (initially at least) to be in the wrong (and she’s got 40+ years form for this kind of behaviour) and he won’t see me or my kid unless she’s invited too.

I won’t be held hostage to her but, Jesus. It stings. Her shenanigans don’t bother me, it’s her MO. But his? I just expected better.

@MauriceTheMussel sending hugs x its so difficult when the person you should be able to rely on lets you down x

ETA: every response I get from him is just deflection or blaming or interrogating me. Why can’t she just fucking apologise? Why is her stubborn pride so obstructive?!

@MauriceTheMussel unfortunately it just is. You can move on with your life and have very limited contact with your parents. Or let it worry you x sending hugs x

Deliberately damaging your home and expecting you to chase her afterwards. You're better off without this. Your father sounds manipulative too. Doesn't he wonder why none of his children are close to him, or don't see him? I would simply stop chasing and let them come after me. I know that's easier said when it's not your own relationship. Your life may be less turbulent with low contact though.

It's probably quite normal for a man to be loyal to his wife, to be honest. What matters is why all this bothers you so much, OP.

You and your mother don't have a great relationship - fair enough, it happens. You mention therapy, so it seems like there are ongoing issues. Maybe it's time to just put the past behind you? You have a husband and child, so they are your closest family, now, and the people who deserve your attention. So why do you still care so much about what your parents do and say?
Time to start looking forward to the future, not back at the past....

When he’s not with her, he’s quite reasonable. DH thinks it’s not personal, the man just sides with her so he doesn’t have to live with her inevitable silent treatment moods to punish him…which I can logically understand, but it’s still goddamn spineless.

Re his other children having no contact with him (whilst my mother, their stepmother, wasn’t the single factor in those relationships breaking down, she wasn’t innocent either), I think he just blocks it out or now thinks if it either as “well, those girls had their own issues and weren’t innocent in all this either” and/or “oh, well I haven’t seen either of them in 20 years so what’s the point thinking about it now?”

I’m so sick of being rejected by them…always being “the difficult one” (and my brother of course being The Golden Child…even though my dad’s soft spot lies with me, not my brother)

Your Dad is going to side with his wife. Just let things lie for now. You won't back down either so a trivial argument has turned out into a big thing.

I'm sorry you didn't get the kind of parents you deserved. Unfortunately they aren't going to change who they are, and your dad is going to prioritise his own comfort and ease over his relationship with you. Parents like yours can and will cause all sorts of stress and upset to you raising your own children so I'd consider it a great opportunity to go no contact now and save yourself years of stress. Do you really think they'll bring anything positive to your future as a mother, and your children's futures?

@Miranda65 No, I agree re loyalty. However, she’s so in the wrong and has been causing conflict like this with multiple parties, family, friends, colleagues of his etc for 40+ years. When is he going to think “oooh gosh. It’s her.” and maybe pick his own youngest child and, at this point, only grandchild?

I suppose I haven’t yet put them behind me because my kid now will have no grandparents, and I am sad for him. Admittedly he doesn’t need dangerous people like this in his life, but he’s also just an innocent baby and it’s not fair (#tinyviolin).

I don’t think I should back down. I equally have to b loyal to my own husband.

The trivial argument turned into A Big Thing the second she name called and trashed my house. I can’t see I did anything wrong

Sometimes a small thing can be the last straw after years of issues.

Deliberately damaging your home isn't a small thing IMO though.

I'm so sorry you have been let down by your dad. He's already cut off two of his children so you know he is capable. He is choosing your mother over his own child and grandchild and that is sad and awful for you. Unfortunately, you will have to accept that it is what it is and concentrate on your new baby and make that your focus. Maybe reduce contact via text with your dad as it will just continue to cause you pain. Some parents will just never put their children first.

This is an awful thing to happen to you after just having a baby and shows just how unstable emotionally your mum is. However we don't have her side of the story as to why she felt the way she did which even though probably unwarranted she did feel that way. I would give it some time and then try and mend things. I wouldn't go NC or cut parents out of my life for this. It's essentially an argument or personality clash between your DH and your Mum that has been blown out of all proportion by her behaviour. BUT as much as it stings they are your parents and you might have to be the bigger person here when you feel up to it.

Your parents are who they are, their behaviour, and both of them have very poor behaviour, not just your mother, is what it is. Your father has been cut off before because of his awful behaviour, your half siblings have just come to recognise him for who he is much earlier than you have. People who haven’t experienced these types of behaviour will think that there is something you should be doing better to minimise these situations but anyone who has experienced these types of parents know that they see relationships and love about power, control and absolute loyalty to them and their interests.

You have choices here and they are lose-lose choices but they are choices.

You can back down and give your mother what she wants, you can go along with their manipulation as I’m sure you have many, many times in the past or you can just go there and pretend like nothing has happened and breezily say let’s not go there and just move forward and see if that works, or you can continue the road you have chosen and make your peace with who you parents really are and what their actual priorities are not what you think they should be.

It is an incredibly difficult situation to accept who really difficult people are but it is about living in reality.

Morning All - thank you for your replies. “Why are you chasing them?” kept me awake pondering. I know the academic reason, but it’s given me food for thought.

It’s not down to a personality clash between my mum and DH. She falls out with everyone. She doesn’t have one single friend. My dad tried to justify her behaviour by saying “she felt XYZ” to which I said “well, feelings aren’t facts. I could feel, based on nothing, that DH cheated and demand the house from a judge…that won’t fly, will it?”

Things she said DH did to ignore her just didn’t happen eg “he came home from work and didn’t speak to me” whereas I’ve got it on the pet camera that he came right up to her to say hello and she didn’t even look up (because she loves giving people the silent treatment - I grew up in a house where if one person pissed her off, she’d silent treatment all of us for 3 days).

What I don’t understand is: if I go low contact with my dad to protect myself, kind of like, what’s the point? I’d never see him again unless I kowtow to her…so now I’ve just got a Text Bud Dad?!

@MauriceTheMussel yes you have to do what your mother suggests to have a relationship with your father. He, not her, has made that clear. That is his behaviour at work not hers.

You are really struggling to accept his behaviour is awful towards you, you are struggling to recognise the pain he inflicted onto your sisters that he cast aside before you. He has this pattern of behaviour where he treats his children awfully.

First thing you need to accept is that you're not going to win here. There is not going to be a satisfactory outcome that will reset the relationship with your mum and dad.

Your mum is toxic and has demonstrated she cannot sustain normal healthy relationships. You already know this. It's entirely possible that she resents that you are now a mother and that her husband will have a strong bond with his grandchild that could displace her own place in the pecking order, so she has to blow up the relationship to regain control of the situation. Hence the perceived slight to her and following drama. If it wasn't that incident it would have been something else. It was very clearly engineered and has been successful it creating divisions as intended.

I think what is probably hurting you the most right now is that you thought that your relationship with your dad was special and that he would put you first and you've now found out that he won't and never will. That probably stings like hell. You said you were the favourite child and that you were his soft spot, but you've now discovered that's not true and he will treat you exactly the same as his other children. That is a jolt to the system and will take time to process.

Your step siblings found that out a long time ago and had to process the pain of realising their dad didn't place them on the same level as his wife. sadly it's now your turn to discover the same.

Your dad is a weak and selfish man. He doesn't value his kids as much as he values his own home life and stability. That's probably a hard truth to hear but very common with a lot of men.

As painful as it is, you need to stop focusing on your baby losing a grandparent because in reality it was never going to be what you imagined, they simply weren't capable of that role. They didn't do it with their own kids, they're not going to do it with their grandchildren. Your dad has already proved that with his existing grandchildren.

You need to start focusing on protecting your own child from the craziness and building the family you have.

Im really sorry @MauriceTheMussel - it's painful reading your post. It really really hurts when the only person in your family of origin that you think is rational and balanced and loves you turns out to only have a veneer of rationality and fundamentally will throw you out and then justify it by blaming you for the sake of peace at home.

Everyone needs one storm anchor when they've got a frightening parent. It really hurts when you discover the storm anchor is made of plastic and crumples.

I haven't found a solution for the pain and let-down (partly due my own complex circumstances, perhaps others can)

But in the end what I finally did was accept that what they demanded in return for their love was a sort of knuckling-under; to become a child again and dance to their tune. Which I seriously considered. But as an adult you can't. Also you are too independent and you have your own children and husband, and need to be independent for them. The reality now is that you are never going to be able to see your father the same way again.

He allowed his other children to be driven away; the writing was on the wall. His faux - rationality that "they had their part to play" ignores the fact that he had his and he's not accepting it, and he's chosen his wife over his children.
Once you realise a man is fundamentally weak and lacks moral fibre, you can't unsee it.

What you can do is consciously accept that you need to step back. Keep sending the texts but acknowledge that your father isnt the man you thought he was, and grieve for what you thought you had. And look to your husband instead to be your rock. He sounds lovely.

@GotMoxy 's post sums it up beautifully.

Sadly others too have discovered that their father has feet of clay and the illusion of them being a safe harbour was not real. If it's any (cold) comfort at all, there -are- people who share your experience. Unfortunately.

It's hard, but you have to realise you will never be truly happy until you walk away from them both. Your dad is ruled by your mum, that wont change. Stop contacting your dad ir offering olive branches and walk away. It will be so tough but in the long run you will be happier.

@GotMoxy and @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar- thank you for your insightful posts. I don’t think I breathed reading them.

Its comforting and yet harrowing that clearly so many of us have gone through this or know people who have.

I knew having my own child would make me reflect upon my own childhood and this would throw up stuff about my relationship with my parents and childhood, but this is far more dramatic than anticipated. Now I have my own child, I know I’d full well shove DH in front of a bus to protect myself child…and this man can’t even tell her to pack it in.

Given there’s no speaking sense to either of them, the monkey brain in me wants to send him a last hurrah-fuck you text calling him a coward and that’s now 3/4 kids he has no relationship with so who’s the common denominator…just to make myself feel better and that I know I stood up for myself and kind of banged the gavel, so to speak.

It’s just mind boggling to me that surely he knows the “3 out of 4 kids” stat (with the fourth living on a different continent) and yet… I’m the problem?!

@MauriceTheMussel but you are looking at it from your own perspective, not theirs. From their perspective you are the problem and if you send that message it will on cement that into their head. It won’t give the outcome you are wishing for.

I have been there with my own parents and it was a situation that involved serious abuse.

It hurts like the bejesus but what is worse is continuing banging our heads against the wall again and again. It doesn’t ever change, my sister went down the mollifying route with them and in my opinion she has completely lost herself in the process. But those are the only options, continue to go along their path or chose your own. Again though I really do think it is necessary for you to take your Dad off his pedestal if you are going to chose the individuate route.

It's not that he can't tell her to pack it in, it's that he won't tell her to pack it in. There is a big difference between the two that you need to process.

The first one denotes a lack of agency and the second one is a choice. It's a choice he has made before and it's a choice he is making now. He chose to throw his older kids under the bus and prioritised his relationship with his wife and he's now doing the same thing with you. He's throwing you under the bus to keep his home life from being impacted. It's a definite and conscious choice that he is making.

I'm not trying to hurt you by saying that but you need to see the situation clearly to process what is actually happening. That will allow you to stand in your own power and move forward in a more healthy way with your own child and husband.

@GotMoxy that post is so perfect.

Op, luckily you have got a better husband to be a dad to your child than your own dad is/was to you. And the foresight and emotional awareness (and self worth!) to not accept this bullshit from your parents, well, that's a gift they have given you. A bittersweet gift. But at least you're fully armed now for a future of putting yourself first, and healing.

I would (and have) block them and enjoy your life, maybe get therapy, surround yourself with authenticity and happiness and accomplishment.

Your parents are not capable of giving you what you and your dh/DC deserve. That's on them. That's their loss. You'll still feel loss, but over time you might also feel huge relief, lightness, and maybe even a tinge of pity for your parents. But your own DC is a huge motivator for breaking this horrible pattern of behaviour right now. Your mum is abusive, your dad is codependent and supportive of that. This is no good to you.