Husband's temper is escalating and I need advice on next steps

[Sheisamum]

Domestic issue – advice needed

I’ve been with my husband for about 8 years. We have a 4-year-old child together, and I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with our second.

My husband can have a bad temper. It’s not constant, but when it happens, it’s intense. Over the past year, we’ve had two or three very heated arguments where I genuinely felt he was close to hitting me. Each time, our child has been present.

These situations usually start as strong disagreements, but then escalate. He might come very close to me, pointing his finger right in my face, or like today, he threw a t-shirt at me with force. I’ve told him clearly that if he ever touches me, I will call the police. He insists he would never do that, but his behaviour makes me feel like it could be the next step.

I’m a strong person and I stand my ground in arguments, but I can see that this dynamic is unhealthy—for me, for him, and especially for our daughter.

Today’s argument started while he was putting our daughter to bed. He has very little patience with her and was being quite rough trying to get her into her pyjamas. That upset me, so I said (in front of her) that he didn’t need to treat her that way. He responded that I shouldn’t correct him in front of her. I said I couldn’t ignore it and bring it up later if it was happening in the moment.

He then stood up and threw a t-shirt at my chest. I reacted by throwing it back. He came back into the room angry, pointing his finger very close to my face—so close that if I had moved, he would have touched me.

I feel stuck. He clearly has issues with anger, and I don’t feel comfortable going to therapy together right now. At the same time, I can’t keep allowing this to happen, especially knowing it could escalate further one day.

I want to keep my marriage. I grew up in a single-parent household and don’t want that for my children. But I also know this situation isn’t healthy or safe.

I would really appreciate any advice from people who have been in similar situations or have insight into what steps I should take.

This is going to sound very harsh but I’m saying this with the best intentions - and as someone who left an abusive marriage when my dd (now aged 23) was 6 months old - consider having an abortion, you don’t need to bring another child into this, it just makes everything more complicated, take your 4 year old and leave. He’s abusive to you, and to her. You both deserve better.

Get yourself and daughter away from him.
He will cross the line and hit you it a matter of when.
The impact of the rows Infront of a child will have an impact.
I speak as someone who grew up in dv household and it does leave a lasting mark well into adulthood.

OP you say you want to keep your marriage, but at what cost? Being a single parent is MUCH better than being in an abusive household. If your husband can't control his anger and is rough and impatient with your little girl, he is abusive to you both. She is growing up seeing and fearing his anger. Please think about what this is doing to her. She deserves a household that is peaceful and calm, where she feels safe. So do you.

You say you grew up in a single parent household and don’t want that for your child but I grew up in a two parent household with the most horrific arguments and when there wasn’t arguing there was an atmosphere and tension. A one parent household would have been my dream, I’m 47 now and can still remember the stress and arguments and I hate raised voices which sounds ridiculous but it never leaves you. If you don’t leave for yourself then leave for your daughter who is old enough to be stressed out by these arguments and she will remember them.

You leave now or you leave later when it’s worst and you have kids who are damaged further

Poor child.
and it's only going to get worse.

Call women’s aid.

start planning the finances for how you can separate.

and do you really want another baby with him?

@frecklejuice saying it never leaves you isn't ridiculous at all.
An Nspcc ad showing a child listening to the shouting and violence unfolding and I was back some 50years.

The only advice you will get here is LTB.

You need to sit him down and have a very frank conversation with him. There is something going on with him and you both need to be honest about what it is. You also need to be prepared that you might not like the answers.

The fact that he has not actually hit you - yet - is completely irrelevant. Your child is watching this aggressive behaviour - stop and think what she is learning from this, how it will influence her and her future relationships.

You need to ensure that your OH grasps the seriousness of all this and is clear that you will break up the marriage if he does not address this.

Time to draw a line under this right now.

I have name-changed to tell you what I really wish someone had told me when my DC was 2 and I was pregnant: this will not get better, you will not work through this despite trying really hard. The sad thing is, that after a few angry outbursts, he won't really have to do much in the future -you will know that he could, so you'll just not go there in order to keep the peace as your DC grow old enough to notice. I wish someone would have told me that I'd get a call from nursery after my DC had told her keyworker dad had called mum a bad name and it was mum who said sorry; that my DC hated a children's book called "Don't Wake the Bear, Hare!" ("That bear is grumpy like dad. He's going to wake up and ruin the picnic."), that my 3-year old would tell me, with the absolute clarity that very young children have: "Daddy has mean eyes. I think he hates me. I think he can go on holiday." And so on.

As recently as today (!) many years later, coming back after spending an apparently good time with their dad, my eldest declared "I don't know what you were thinking, having kids with dad, mum. I'm grateful for his genes (he's stupidly handsome) but he's such a dick."

I so wish we'd separated much, much sooner. It wasn't the angry outbursts so much as the atmosphere which permeated our home for much of the time he was around. I'm not sure an onlooker would have noticed, but it was palpable to me, present all the time. Not anger, necessarily, just a brooding moodiness which would descend unpredictably. I'm still massively triggered by moodiness and sulking in men.

Leave, OP, if you can, although I do understand that it can be fiendishly hard to leave someone you're growing wary and a little scared of.

Growing up with domestic abuse is not better than growing up in a single parent household.

Whatever you do, you can't have the idyllic nuclear family for your dc with this man, because he is not that husband & father. So you need to let go of that idea.

This is not a healthy environment at all to raise kids in . If you have a boy is he going to grow up thinking that’s how men should treat women and so the cycle continues . I grew up in a very shouty household and it destroys your childhood . You have a chance to change things for your daughter and new child ( if you choose to keep it ).

It gets worse I guarantee it. Whats worse is your children will normalise this. Seek help for their sake.

Its far better for your children to give them a peaceful safe home.

Your only real and sensible option here is to leave your and in turn your children’s abuser. This is no legacy to leave your children. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. They need to learn as well as you that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You in turn are not a rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

Standing your ground as you have done does not work and indeed it gives him a further challenge to take you down.

Never go to joint counselling sessions with him, it’s not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

You have a choice re this man and they do not. Make better choices for you and they going toward. Your kids absolutely need to grow up in an abuse free home environment. The cost of keeping your marriage here is too high.

I left
we are better as friends living separately and I have the best of him

sometimes 2 people living together isn’t healthy, it brings out the worst and you certainly cannot let your daughter see anything like that again.

so leave.

This must be so scary for your daughter, I can remember hearing my parents having rare and actually normal arguments when I was growing up and my stomach would drop. You can’t let her grow
up around this.

Next steps: some support from Women’s Aid to clarify what is going on here. It’s an abusive household. He is not kind.
Discretely get your ducks in a row. All copies of paperwork, certificates, pay slips, bank statements, pension details.
You need to get your daughter and yourself out of there. A relationship where you notify your partner that if they hit you the police will be called is not a good one.
Stay safe OP.

This was exactly my experience too. I remember specific arguments from a very young age, well under 5.
It doesnt ever leave you. I have been with my husband for nearly 30 years, every time he comes home from work my heart drops a little, as it triggers the feeling of my angry /grumpy dad coming in from work. It lasts a millisecond but still happens. (He is nothing like my dad and we are very happy).

OP these posts must be difficult to read. How are you feeling this morning?

This. And it will only get worse.

This is of course a personal choice, but I would terminate the pregnancy and get out.

Focus on your child and give her the best life you can. Which is impossible if you stay.

Consider ending this pregnancy and then leave the marriage. It will only get much much worse when you add the stress and exhaustion of another baby into the situation.

This was my situation as well. Growing up in a house with constant arguments.
My parents were as bad as each other, faults on both sides.
I'm mid 50s, still remember specific arguments and sometimes violence.
I'm really bad at dealing with confrontation, usually back off and don't say anything or end up snapping back.
I also hate raised voices, it's like I'm immediately back as a child and can't do anything about it.
My father ended up working away for long periods which was a bit of a relief but we were stuck with my mother who was / still is I would say mentally unstable and manipulative at times.
Neither of them cared about the effect the arguing had on us. I have a sibling who has cut off all contact with everyone although there are other issues as well.
My father passed away after a long illness, my mother tries to pretend they had a great marriage to everyone including us when we know the truth. Whenever I've brought up what it was like she just tries to gaslight me.
Neither if them ever apologised for anything.
Have you spoken to your husband about his behaviour, does he acknowledge it or deny it? Would he try and change his behaviour if given a ultimatum?
Please put your children first, get support. You sound like a strong person.

He cannot and will not change. Read Why does he do this by Lundy Bancroft. Get help from women’s aid. The only thing you can do to change the situation is leave.

I don't know what you were thinking, having kids with dad, mum. I'm grateful for his genes (he's stupidly handsome) but he's such a dick.

Isn't it great when children tell it like it is, and have been brought up with the confidence to do so.