Husband's temper is escalating and I need advice on next steps

[Sheisamum]

Domestic issue – advice needed

I’ve been with my husband for about 8 years. We have a 4-year-old child together, and I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with our second.

My husband can have a bad temper. It’s not constant, but when it happens, it’s intense. Over the past year, we’ve had two or three very heated arguments where I genuinely felt he was close to hitting me. Each time, our child has been present.

These situations usually start as strong disagreements, but then escalate. He might come very close to me, pointing his finger right in my face, or like today, he threw a t-shirt at me with force. I’ve told him clearly that if he ever touches me, I will call the police. He insists he would never do that, but his behaviour makes me feel like it could be the next step.

I’m a strong person and I stand my ground in arguments, but I can see that this dynamic is unhealthy—for me, for him, and especially for our daughter.

Today’s argument started while he was putting our daughter to bed. He has very little patience with her and was being quite rough trying to get her into her pyjamas. That upset me, so I said (in front of her) that he didn’t need to treat her that way. He responded that I shouldn’t correct him in front of her. I said I couldn’t ignore it and bring it up later if it was happening in the moment.

He then stood up and threw a t-shirt at my chest. I reacted by throwing it back. He came back into the room angry, pointing his finger very close to my face—so close that if I had moved, he would have touched me.

I feel stuck. He clearly has issues with anger, and I don’t feel comfortable going to therapy together right now. At the same time, I can’t keep allowing this to happen, especially knowing it could escalate further one day.

I want to keep my marriage. I grew up in a single-parent household and don’t want that for my children. But I also know this situation isn’t healthy or safe.

I would really appreciate any advice from people who have been in similar situations or have insight into what steps I should take.

I often wished my XH would just hit me OP as it would have made it clearer cut to leave. And the psychological and emotional abuse was worse. He’s already thrown a tshirt at you, what’s next? He’s got a vile temper and it won’t get better. Those kids will grow up terrified and you won’t know until it’s too late. Trust me, I know 😢

You want two things that can't both happen. You want a safe and secure home for your children and you want to stay married to your husband. You need to pick one or the other.

steps to take? You should leave your abusive husband. He will not change. Do you want you and your children living in fear, sneaking around on eggshells, waiting for the next outburst?

Keeping your marriage should not come first compared to the well-being (mental AND physical) of your children, @Sheisamum . And it is the same when it comes to being in a single-parent household vs a hostile, damaging household where the parents are together. I was 5, but I myself told my mother that we need to leave and save ourselves from dad.

I am very sorry this is happening to you and your little one, but you are the only one who can change that. There are many lines being crossed when these outbursts of anger happen in the presence of a child, not to mention how unacceptable it is to be impatient and rough handling her. There is a way to get a grip on someone's anger issues with the right help, before certain lines are crossed, but not past that. You said it yourself, you are not comfortable with therapy together. So what are we talking about? The optics of a marriage is more important than the wellbeing of the kids and yourself?

Please. You need to take a deep breath and do what is right for the kids, and yourself. This is no way to grow up. If you think all these fights do not leave a mark on your daughter's psyche, you are wrong. How would you feel if in the future she was with a similar man to her dad? Pretty sure you would suggest leaving. Think about that.

So you'd rather your children be kept under thrle same roof of a volatile potentially violent marriage rather than in a safe single parent household? They'll see and hear it all. The list of effects these relationships have on children is a mile long.
You're showing your daughter this is how a man treats you and what behaviour a woman should tolerate.

This is the root of the matter OP. Those are the only choices.

How are you @Sheisamum ? Hope things have settled a bit. It must be hard reading these comments.
Let us know you are okay x