Husband has lost interest in me

[AvidMauveCrab]

I’m writing this after yet another week of spending no time with my DH. We’ve been married for 5 years, together 10. We have a pre school age DS. Things started to fall apart during my pregnancy and have never recovered. Despite our DS being planned, DH completely went off me from basically the moment I found out I was pregnant. Very little intimacy during pregnancy and certainly none once I was showing. No cuddles, kisses or affection. DH started staying up late and sleeping on the sofa. I have found out in the last few months that during this time he developed a porn addiction and would stay up til the early hours watching it. This continued for around 3.5 years until I found out about it all around 9 months ago. DH would lie next to me in bed until 2-3am watching porn whilst I was sleeping and then refuse to get up with DS in the mornings as he was too tired, plus would be in an awful mood due to lack of sleep. I’d been genuinely sympathetic that he had stress related insomnia and had suggested going to the GP so many times but he was actually just staying up late waiting for me to fall asleep so he could watch porn.

Generally speaking, we spend little to no time together. DH is always either out at a hobby or socialising or working late. On the rare occasion that we could spend some time together, DH will often choose to watch sport alone, although this is rare as he’s often just not in the house until very late. I don’t have a social life or any hobbies because inevitably on the nights that I’ve made plans DH is stuck at work (apparently) so I always need to scramble around for someone to watch DS last minute which is often unsuccessful or end up cancelling, which is really stressful. I don’t have a village or any real support so it’s just me.

DH has no interest in family life with me and DS and happily goes days without really seeing or speaking to either of us if he’s busy. I also do 99% of all chores, cooking, cleaning, childcare and all admin for running our house and family life.

I have tried to speak to DH about spending more time as a couple but he’s just not interested and is always too busy. I plan stuff with DS to busy myself on the weekends but I have been feeling quite lonely within my marriage for a few years now. I have tried to express how unhappy I am to DH but I’m largely just ignored as he doesn’t want to discuss it. I don’t get the impression that he’s actually happily married to me, but that he is happy with the arrangement as it suits him. I help him to run a business which makes a lot of money and allows him a lovely lifestyle (I have no access to this money) hence why he spends a lot of time out of the house socialising and doing hobbies.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Is there anything I should or could be doing to try to fix this?

Porn addicts are incapable of having a normal relationship with a real partner OP.
You could be much better ending the relationship because things won't improve.

Is there anything you think is good about your marriage?
From your post I can’t see that you will be getting anything from this marriage, your husband seems to be living a separate life.
Sorry if that sounds brutal. He sounds like an absolutely selfish manchild.
Have you tried to talk to him ?
Its not ok for him to treat you this way, sleeping on the sofa, spending no time with you or your child, letting you down when he knows you are going out, no access to money etc
You deserve better and so does your child.

Hi OP, this made me really sad to read. I’m married 4.5yrs, together 8.5, 3DCs under 6.

I don’t think there is anything you can do to make somebody love you, if it isn’t already there, and it really sounds like he checked out a long time ago.

You deserve so much more, and if you were to divorce him, at least then you would have access to all this money he’s making.

Oh mate. This is no way to live. You deserve so much more. What are you getting out of this marriage?

He says it’s stopped now after I discovered it and he admitted what had been going on. It felt and still feels weird that he would just sit downstairs or lie next to me in bed for hours on end watching it. I’d wake at 3/4am sometimes as our DS was crying and he’s still be up watching it (although he’d quickly switch to another screen). For a while I didn’t question it but I caught him a couple of times and he denied it until one time he did admit the truth.

Oh my love, this sounds so sad and I say that as someone who has been in a similar spot. There is nothing you can do to fix it because I suspect the marriage is set up exactly as your husband wants it, so he can get his fixes from porn. Keep trying to build your own life, keep trying with the hobbies, do you have your own income outside of this business? If not, that should be top priority. You can’t do much more to fix this as it’s his limitations and no reflection on you but you can start to work to give yourself options in life, whatever you decide to do in future.

Yeah, I don’t actually know where I’d stand with the money as he keeps it all in his companies and he’s always dangled the carrot of making me a director and shareholder but he has kicked that can along for many years…

I’d love hobbies and my own life but I always have DS and every job within the home is mine to sort. Plus I also work full time for DH so it’s not like I have loads of free time.

sorry to hear this. It sounds like you need to stop working for your husband and get a different job. Financial independence will stop muddying the waters and give more options about leaving if that’s what you choose to do. I don’t see what he is bringing to the table apart from a source of employment for you (which you could get elsewhere)

I think you need to seek legal advice to see where you stand.

OP, I have a very close friend who's husband was like this. She spent years begging for any little bit of affection and wanting him to spend time with her. He was always busy with work and hobbies, stayed up late until she was asleep and was just cold and uncaring. If she asked if he loved her, he said of course I do, but his actions spoke much louder than his words.

Eventually, she left him. She has a lovely partner now, he's kind and caring and treats her so well. He's lovely to her kids and her elderly parents. Her biggest regret is that she spent 16 years with someone who didn't love her.

Your husband knows that you're desperately unhappy and he doesn't care. Please don't waste any more years with someone who doesn't care about you. You deserve so much better 💐

Reading your posts and the overwhelming thought is - ‘what’s in this for you’.

The whole set-up sounds just miserable.

He doesn’t sound as if he is capable or wanting to change, so what you’ve got is how it’s set to continue. The change it appears needs to come from you, and that’s going to take a great deal of courage as your lives are so enmeshed to the degree you even work for him. Getting a new job, having control over yr earnings I’d suggest is the first step.

I know you may love him and feel like you want to change things but those changes have to come from him and he's showing little interest in that. In the meantime, ask yourself what he brings to you in this marriage? Sometimes anxiety, sadness, rejection, even anger outweighs the good stuff and have to ask yourself if you want to spend the next 20-40 years like this?

This is really sad to read!
Do you get paid for the hours you work for your husband’s business?
This is actually starting to sound like financial abuse.
Do you have friends OP? A support network?
I would stop talking to your husband about the relationship, start doing some digging into your husband’s financial situation & seek legal advice!

how many red flags do you need to leave this prince of men?! Divorce and get some of that share of that successful business

Does your DH pay you for working full-time for his company? If not, just stop doing any work for him and speak to a solicitor. I think you would probably need to employ a forensic accountment to look at his finances to work out what you would be entitled to and how much money he is trying to hide.

He is an absolutely horrible husband and father and I'm sure that you will feel much happier without him.

Ask yourself why you are even trying to fix this?

I'm afraid the only thing you can do to fix this is to divorce him.

You can't make him change into becoming the loving partner and father he should be, because the only person who can make that change is him, and he doesn't want to.

This is very sad for you and borderline abusive to treat you this way, cold shouldering you etc.

I'm going to be blunt. There is no way back from this. He's horrible to you, sounds like a horrible person and a shit dad. It doesn't sound like there is any love left, and certainly no respect.

You need to divorce him. Before you split get as much evidence as possible re his accounts, savings, pensions etc because it sounds like he'll try to hide it.

You'll be much better off without him. X

Your poor DS, being ignored by his dad. You have to make changes/take action for his sake.

Honestly OP, I can’t see how you can fix this. It sounds miserable for you and your DS. I would start very quietly getting my ducks in a row with a view to leaving him. Life is way too short to live it like this.

You and your child deserve so much better. Your husband sounds absolutely horrible and a terrible role model to his child. Please get legal advice as to what is rightfully yours and start making plans to leave this toxic man child. Life is too short to be with someone who has no respect never mind love for you and you are worth so much more.

Op this actually sounds quite abusive. There's considerable financial control here - he has a lovely lifestyle but you have no access to the money? That you are working alongside him to earn?

You've expressed that his actions and behaviour are hurting you and he shuts you down and ignores you.

He's making choices to prioritise porn knowing that it leaves you solely responsible for running the family home and attending to the kids.

Any time you want to get some down time he's 'busy' but can easily free up time for when he wants down time for himself.

Op if I were you I'd be getting as much documented information as possible on his assets and what the business is worth, what your house is worth etc, how much he's paying himself from the business and then divorce him and take what you're owed. Get yourself a good solicitor lined up and find out what they'd recommend you gather as evidence. You'll need it for financial settlement and for cms payments.

As a now lone parent it's actually easier managing on my own than it is being lonely in a marriage where you're constantly let down and emotionally deprived.

This relationship is not serving you and he is showing you exactly how much he respects and cares for you by how he's treating you. You deserve significantly better. He's also an awful role model for your child. Eventually they will be old enough to see that he's not choosing them and that's an awful way to treat a child.

This sounds like financial abuse OP. I agree with Lavenders post above, this is beyond saving and you should go and take legal advice.

He is finically abusing you before you go near the emotional stuff. Honestly, if he’d brought over a woman from another country as a housekeeper who had no idea of our employment laws, this would be very, very badly judged on his behalf.
You are basically slave labour and you are literally chained to the kitchen sink, doing all of the grunt work for very little other than a roof over your head.
He gets a housekeeper he controls, an employee he is exploiting and a wife he does nothing for. His primary relationships are with porn and indulging himself. It’s enough to make your skin crawl.
What he doesn’t have, is a wonderful loving relationship with a beautiful son who deserves far more.
Sadly, neither of you are going to get anything from this man he doesn’t care about either of you. His only priority is himself.
The only answer here is divorce and I’m sorry for you in that, but you can’t live like this.
Neither can your son.
You need a life away from this poor excuse for a man.