Friend warned me about former colleague but would not explain why

[Sicha99]

I’m at a bit of a crossroads at the moment and I am feeling insecure about my own judgement. I quit my job for mental health reasons after things got really bad, which was probably the best decision I have made in years. I have made many friends there and I want to keep these friendships alive of course.

At one of my lowest points I did contact a former colleague who I had always gotten on well with (another event I’d rather like to forget), but we have grown quite close over the last few months and I am feeling really happy about having him in my life.
I told a friend who I consider a good and reliable one and she seemed taken aback and told me that she didn’t think that this was a good idea based on her experience of him in our work, and that she would be worried about me. I asked her to be specific but she didn’t really give me any concrete examples what was so bad about him because she’d be breaking confidentiality.

I know that she’s my friend, and that I have only known him for a short time, but it’s left me really confused why she’d warn me but not give me any proper reasons unless I missed the cues. It’s left me feeling confused and I’m not sure if I should just brush it off because she wouldn’t even explain. She’s a good friend, and I have always trusted her but this just felt very odd but I’m also aware that I’m maybe not in the best place. I felt happy until I spoke to her and now I feel the anxiety rising again because I don’t trust my own judgment. I accept that she can’t tell me details from work but why say this in the first place and not elaborate?

I’m confused.

You said you want to keep in touch with your former colleagues so what was the problem in contacting him?

Oh no. You are right. My post doesn’t make any sense like this. I don’t even know how to edit this nonsense op now 🤦‍♀️

I meant that I started seeing a former colleague but when I told another colleague (long time friend) she was dismissive but didn’t give me specifics.

I should probably get this deleted and start again

Have you returned to work?
Is your mental health still bad?

I told a friend who I consider a good and reliable one and she seemed taken aback and told me that she didn’t think that this was a good idea based on her experience of him in our work, and that she would be worried about me.

maybe she doesn’t think you are ready to be in any kind of romantic relationship

She either just doesn’t like him or she knows something she’s not allowed to tell you, so has warned you without going into specifics. It’s a tough situation for both of you to be in.

edit - sorry, it hadn’t loaded any responses after the initial post from op only, so my comment is probably irrelevant by now. Ignore me. I thought no one had replied.

Trying to stay friends with former colleagues is a lovely idea but rarely works. You can have great friendships at work but usually these are tied to work and fade quite quickly when one of you has moved to a new employer.

Maybe she is trying to warn you off a relationship with your male former colleague. Perhaps he is married or is just a sleezeball in general - sounds like she knows some details she can't share fully.

I prefer to make my own mind up about people. Keep seeing him

she didn’t really give me any concrete examples what was so bad about him because she’d be breaking confidentiality.

If she's someone who you believe has your best interests at heart, I would listen to her. If she can't say what it was because it is breaking confidentiality, then it's pretty serious.

There are a lot of men out there.

If you had to leave work due to such serious mental health issues, and you make no reference to having recovered and been able to return to the workplace years later - then maybe she thinks that you are not ready for a relationship and trying to get to guide you away.

If she says it’s confidential then presumably it’s some kind of HR issue that this guy was involved in and she is not legally permitted to tell you about. I’d assume he was harassing someone or otherwise behaving inappropriately in the workplace and steer clear.

It could have been for a number of reasons, and it’s so easy for posters to jump to wrong conclusions.

I think your friend should have told you. Rightly or wrongly if you were my friend I would have told you in the strictest of confidence.

Therefore, I would carry on seeing him and take it slowly and make up my own mind.

How do you know wrong conclusions?

She knows something you don't and is trying to give you a heads up without breaking a rule or confidentiality. She might be concerned about you, especially if she knows you've been having mental health struggles.

I'd listen if she's been friendly and supportive in the past.

Statistically speaking, what’s more likely- your good reliable friend stirring up trouble for no good reason, or a male former colleague having behaved badly in some way?

He's got a reputation for being a player and she is worried about you getting involved would be my guess.

I would always be suspicious of men who befriend women at their lowest and most vulnerable point… Maybe it’s a bit of a pattern for him that your friend has picked up on. I would be wary of him and trust your friend.

Can you speak to her again and say that you really need more of an idea of what she’s talking about (without telling you the specifics which she obviously can’t / won’t).

What proof do you have of right conclusions?

You’ve had issues and are vulnerable. So basically that’s red flag in itself. Don’t start seeing someone until you’re in a better place!

id listen to your friend.

I agree. Sadly I've encountered one of those types in a workplace. It wasn't talked about and nobody warned new women staff while he still worked there - once he left it was talked about more openly. He had spent years targeting young and vulnerable staff and sexually harassing and abusing them.

You've had the benefit of someone trying to warn you. I would take it seriously.

agree with @sayitisntsoo he may have a reputation as a "player" or she's heard something about how he "operates", could she even have been involved with him previously?

Of any, of those possibilities, it may be prudent to proceed with caution @Sicha99 especially if you are still feeling vulnerable. 🌸

edited for clarification

Bugger all. Hence why I wouldn’t say that posters have made wrong conclusions 😆

This

If you’re not mentally well it may be you are vulnerable right now and she views him as predatory. I would listen to her - the worst that will happen if you do this is the man fades out. If you don’t listen? Far worse could come your way.

I believe she would give specifics if she could. I’d firstly call and enact Claire’s Law.

How forceful/serious did she seem? Was she hinting this person could be dangerous or just that he’s annoying?

If your friend has raised this with you, I would listen.
If your friend wrote a thread on here, she would be told to give you a heads up.
If you proceed with this guy it’s at your own risk.