Friend warned me about former colleague but would not explain why

[Sicha99]

I’m at a bit of a crossroads at the moment and I am feeling insecure about my own judgement. I quit my job for mental health reasons after things got really bad, which was probably the best decision I have made in years. I have made many friends there and I want to keep these friendships alive of course.

At one of my lowest points I did contact a former colleague who I had always gotten on well with (another event I’d rather like to forget), but we have grown quite close over the last few months and I am feeling really happy about having him in my life.
I told a friend who I consider a good and reliable one and she seemed taken aback and told me that she didn’t think that this was a good idea based on her experience of him in our work, and that she would be worried about me. I asked her to be specific but she didn’t really give me any concrete examples what was so bad about him because she’d be breaking confidentiality.

I know that she’s my friend, and that I have only known him for a short time, but it’s left me really confused why she’d warn me but not give me any proper reasons unless I missed the cues. It’s left me feeling confused and I’m not sure if I should just brush it off because she wouldn’t even explain. She’s a good friend, and I have always trusted her but this just felt very odd but I’m also aware that I’m maybe not in the best place. I felt happy until I spoke to her and now I feel the anxiety rising again because I don’t trust my own judgment. I accept that she can’t tell me details from work but why say this in the first place and not elaborate?

Disagree with this! I've still got close friends from workplaces and we left over 15 years ago!

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. To clarify a few things that were asked.

He initially reached out to me shortly after he left the company, just to meet up for some coffee and food. He didn’t know that I was struggling with the whole work situation but I think that I might have told him at that point. He then reached out again to tell me about an event he’d seen advertised because he remembered that I had told him that I was a big fan and we ended up going together.

At this stage I had gone on a work break because I really couldn’t cope any more and I have since resigned. I feel much better and have to say that I really didn’t realise how much stress I suffered at the time. So I don’t feel like he “targeted” me because I was vulnerable because he reached out before already?

It’s true that he had a reputation at work but not for being a sleaze ball but for being a dick who clashed with a number of his peers, although everyone in that “league” is probably the same. And yes, I think that it was a HR issue that my friend alluded to. I will speak to her and ask what it is that I should be mindful of as I really don’t see any red flags (so far) in his behaviour, and other friends from work seemed surprised but happy for me.
He’s definitely not married. I could do a Clare’s law request but I’d be surprised if that was something my friend in work would have known about.

I think I’ll just ask her to meet up and chat because I’ve known her for years and she has always been a good friend.

Are you back at work?

No, I decided to resign from the old workplace but I am looking at other opportunities at the moment. Feeling positive about a fresh start.

So you have not worked for some time? How is your mental health now?

what do you mean by At one of my lowest points I did contact a former colleague who I had always gotten on well with (another event I’d rather like to forget)
what “event” are you referring to?

I had an anxiety attack whilst working from home and called the poor guy because I didn’t want to talk to colleagues (he was the only person who could somewhat understand the situation whilst no longer being involved in the workplace). Not only did I look insane, but I also somehow thought that a video call was a good idea to make it even worse.

So is the man you called during a panic attack the same one you're now dating? Because if he's no longer involved in the workplace, how does your other friend still work with him and is able to warn you about him?

I'll be honest, you do sound quite vulnerable in your posts.

I’m sorry, I think it was my initial post which had been so confusing. Maybe I should get this deleted because I’m confusing everyone.

The guy I am dating left the company a few months ago. I stayed but resigned a few weeks ago because I couldn’t handle the pressure and the atmosphere in work any more. Before I left I hit a really low point and did reach out to him because I felt that he might be able to relate to my situation but it felt “safer” than talking to friends who still worked at the same company with me. I’m not sure if this makes sense but it did to me at the time.

My friend still works at the company and she didn’t seem happy when I told her that I had started seeing him, but she couldn’t give me specifics which I understand but this uncertainty is also making me uneasy because I sometimes overthink. She did have more crossover with him whilst he worked there so I assume that that’s what she referred to.

i have read all your posts and last couple are concerning. You are currently unemployed. Your last job ended in you crying and losing it on a video call to the very man in question.

You need to focus on yourself and getting a job. And only then will think about a romantic relationship

I think if I was your friend, I also wouldn’t be happy to think that you were thinking about embarking on a romantic relationship when you still had things to work on yourself - namely getting yourself back on your feet

I think your friend has said all that she can say. I wouldn’t press her to break confidentiality.

You either trust a friend of long-standing or the bloke really fancy. You are vulnerable and that makes the stakes a lot higher but it isn’t your friends responsibility to convince you.

Well if it's to do with work it could simply be that he was shit to work with. Passed the buck, made mistakes, took too many sickies? Or I guess it could be more down the line of workplace relationships. Maybe he slept with a colleague who wasn't single?

Gawd knows. But saying it 'breaches confidentiality' to tell you more is annoying. Like how would she know something so confidential about him anyway? Unless it involved her in which case she could tell you about it in the context of her own experience.

I can see why you might be concerned but mainly due to her being so vague.

I agree. Listen to your friend, you said she's trustworthy and it's clearly something HR related if she can't tell you. I did similar, told a friend to steer clear of a man who on the surface was nice but I knew for a fact was a predator/ peodophile. I just said it was important to steer clear. I didn't go into details.

It’s true that he had a reputation at work but not for being a sleaze ball but for being a dick who clashed with a number of his peers

Occam's razor suggests that this is what your friend is alluding to. I don't know how serious or red flag worthy these "clashes" were but it seems to have been a very toxic workplace - which you've also experienced - and both you and this man have now left. You've mentioned how you've felt a lot better since leaving; maybe he does, too.

I would hope that if your friend was alluding to predatory sexual behaviour she would have been firmer or more urgent that you stop seeing him.

I didn't need to,the police were well aware and appropriate actions had been taken by them. I know we all like to think they are sacked and instantly banged up ,but quite often that's not the case at all.

Ask him yourself?