At my wit's end with partner

[telsa]

I don't know what to do it think any more. Partner of 31 years, who is facing 70 this year, Ge has been going increasingly off the rails. He drinks massively, chases young women - at least one of whom - 40 years younger than him - reciprocated and included him in her polyamorous liasions. He is leading a very disjointed life, sleeping a lot. When home and not drinking he is depressed. He lashes out at me - is vicious wants me to let him have these relationships, calls me a shrew, an arse hole, is lying to me a lot, which I know because I do spy on his email. We have one dd at uni and one about to go in Oct. I never thought I'd be facing this much betrayal, unhappiness, anxiety in my 60s. I don't know what to do any more.
Anyone heard anything like it?

Could it be dementia? Some kinds can lead to changes in behaviour and lack of inhibitions, bad temper, violence etc.

LTB.

Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. YOU aren’t happy. He’s chasing other women and acting on it. He might be an alcoholic. He’s making you anxious and unhappy. You do not have to stay with him, you can leave for any reason you like - and he’s giving you plenty of valid reasons to leave.

On the basis you are not happy and he has been unfaithful, would you consider leaving? Or perhaps you threaten that next time this happens you will do so - but only do so if you will actually leave.
How long have you been with him, has he always been like this? I get if you’ve been married for 50 years it feels big to walk away and may be financially difficult.

He drinks heavily, shags around and is verbally aggressive. The kids are adults now so what have you got to stay for? Get him out of your house and life.

What's your financial/housing situation OP, is leaving him doable?

I don't think it'll work, but you could give him an ultimatum to have a full medical exam and to get treatment to stop drinking. If it'll make you feel better to ask before calling it quits, go for it. But then no matter the reason for his behavior, practice self-love to no longer subject yourself to toxicity. Whatever you have left of your one precious life, start a new chapter without him.

Begin with trying to separate your finances, such as if you've allowed him to be on your credit card as a user, and is allowed as a user of your bank funds. Remove him. Then seek legal advice. Have a list of what needs to be accomplished and check each one off when you've completed the task. It'll help you feel organized and pro-active. I'm sorry you've been treated like this.

If he's a long time heavy drinker, he could have alcohol related dementia, which is alcohol related brain damage. Is he having memory issues or other cognitive difficulties?

He needs a full physical and it sounds like he'd be unwilling to cooperate with a treatment plan.

He's abusive and engaging in high risk sexual behaviours. I'd be at the least separating for 6 months with intent to divorce unless he agreed to rehab and a treatment plan and followed it to the letter. More likely, if he refused appropriate medical evaluation and treatment, I'd be seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce. It sounds to me like you're at physical risk from him.

Not sure. I’m bemused younger woman are after this sort of thing. I assume he’s giving them money? I would try and separate the finances so that you’re not paying.

It, frankly, sounds as if he has dementia. Can you get him checked?

It’s not that easy after 30+ years. 🤷‍♀️

He’s literally abusing you, cheating on you and lying to you whilst being a foul mouthed alcoholic and you haven’t already answered your own question?

Get your ducks in a row and get him the hell out of your life!

I would talk to a doctor. An out of town doctor who you don't usually see if preferred. You couldn't go on living like that. It's very likely that he won't change and you will probably end up looking after him in old age. I would forget about his side of things for now, his drinking, what is upsetting you about him etc. and try to refocus your thoughts back on your own needs. Have some quiet time somewhere, a walk and a sit in the sun etc first if needed. Let 'i need X so I will..'. Or I feel this so this is what I will do' be your mantra. His stuff is his responsibility and his alone if he's not being much support. You are his wife not his caretaker and you only live once. There's no life B. The more you focus on yourself and your own life, what he's doing or not doing will become less important. You don't have to tell him either because it sounds like he's not in a place to hear it. Just do it and look after yourself

It's highly unlikely he going to change, so I am really sorry you are in this situation. PP have mentioned dementia, which could be a cause, but he may just have turned into an arsehole! What is your money situation like? If you can I'd look at splitting up and being on your own, it sounds as if that would be far better than being with him.

Financially am fine. I don't know though...I just feel how do you hold onto your sense of self when it all crumbles. I feel so lonely. I thought we had a bond that would last till the end of one of us
Without it, every thing else feels pointless. How do you get over that?

The way to hold onto your sense of self is to stand by your beliefs of what a relationship is. You know this isn’t right. Of course it’s devastating that he is betraying you in this way but the way to get over it is to leave. You won’t get over it if you stay. He will just continue with his disgusting behaviour and you will continue to feel lonely. As hard as it is, you need to leave. You’re financially fine. File for divorce and go and live your life. Staying with him would be pointless.

Spot on.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you there?

Are you married to him?. What is the situation re the finances and property?.

Staying with him would indeed be pointless. Re the dc your man’s behaviour is also a reason in why they’ve chosen to attend a university some distance away. I would also assume or eldest does not return to visit you very often if at all. You certainly do not want to end up being his carer.

You deserve so much more than an abusive, unfaithful liar.
There is no way i could stay and i bet your daughters would encourage you to leave too if they knew the facts.
You are so much more fortunate financially than lots of women in an abusive relationship so leave him to wallow in his cesspit .

I think you should contact your local domestic abuse network and a lawyer. Right now, your priority should be to safely leave, unless that affects a divorce down the road. Keep your kid still at home safe. Does she have a safe place to go if he becomes violent? Your husband sounds volatile and disinhibited and you say his behaviour is escalating. He could be a danger to you and your kids.

I would keep a phone and car keys on or near you at all times and have a go bag ready if the shit hits the fan. Get your identity and other important documents safely stored outside the home.

I’d say end it now. If it is some kind of dementia, best to leave before it’s diagnosed, otherwise you’ll be having to look after him for years and his behaviour won’t get any better.
If it isn’t dementia related, then he’s just an obnoxious knob and you’ll be happier without him anyway.

Unusual for younger women wanting anything to do with a man of his age unless they are already financially scamming him or plan to do so. When married, both are usually responsible for debts even if those debts are racked up secretly by one. Don't be surprised if all that money you planned on to get you through all those years of retirement, and perhaps money you'd like to leave as inheritance to your children has disappeared. Get legally out ASAP before that possibility of financial ruin happens to you.

Actually, women usually do better than men when widowed or when situations like your happens. You're too close to the situation right now and are of course miserable, but in time you will heal if you do things to find joy daily in life. Start a new hobby or activity. Pamper yourself. Whether you stay in the home or move, redecorate. Good luck.

Yeah I find it bizarre younger women are interested. I remember a few years ago being mid 30s and a 65 year old (probably he was 70) tried to chat me up online and I was like are you serious? 😆

But then you mention polyamory so IMO that already signals weirdness and it’s not a stretch to think someone like that may also like much older man as part of that lifestyle/kink.

It’s sad but you will move on and find new meaning. You will need to anyway as obviously you can’t stay in this situation.

Never make your life’s purpose about one person anyway.

I didn’t say it was.

What’s the alternative though? He doesn’t deserve any more of her energy.

My first thought too.