Would you think this was strange? Total lack of communication!

[EverythingAndNothingThatMatters]

I'll keep this brief.

I've noticed recently that my partner has become less communicative. Even just about really simple stuff.

The most recent example is this.

Last night, I went out with some friends. We usualy go out alone but this time. The set up was this - friend 1 and her husband; friend 2 is married but she came alone as he had other plans; friends 3 and 4 both single; friend 5 is male but he had to pull out at the last minute; me.

I invited my partner when it was first planned about 4 weeks ago. He said it sounded good but would depend on his plans (he usually has band practice once a week - the night can change so this isn't a problem).

Before leaving last night, I told him that friend 5 wasn't going. And asked him if he was coming.

He didn't give me an answer. He didn't say anything. He sat in the garden drinking tea on his phone and I got ready.

I came downstairs to leave and he offered me a lift. Still hadn't said anything about whether he was coming or not.

This has become a bit of a pattern recently where he just doesn't communicate small things to me so I took it as he didn't want to come and decided I'm not chasing him.

He dropped me off, still said nothing and went home.

When I got home he asked about the evening so I told him. He seemed 'surprised' that friend 1's husband had been (I had told him). And said he'd have gone if he'd known he wouldn't be the only man. He didn't want to go and spoil the dynamic of an all women evening.

He likes my friends and they like him so no problem there.

So, if I'd reminded him that friend 1's husband was going then he would have gone. But if he'd given me a, "Ah no, I thanks for asking but I don't want to he the only man there," response, I would have reminded him.

This isn't actually about whether he came or not, whether he secretly doesn't like my friends but the fact that he didn't actually tell me he wasn't coming. I had to infer it from his complete silence.

This sort of thing has cropped up a few times. I'm trying to work out if he's just completely avoiding saying anything to me for some reason.

We talk all thentime about politics, films, work, our respective children, stuff that needs doikg in the house but anything to do with 'us' he has just stopped communicating at all - he hadn't even said he wasn't going out this week because there was no band practice. Just zero communication about life stuff at all.

If he used to be able to communicate fine and has now stopped I would assume it was deliberate, to confuse you or to cause conflict or both.

It sounds as though he is withdrawing from your relationship. That he is wanting it to be on the level of friendship and nothing more intimate.

That's what I thought. But it makes no sense.

Take last night for example, he had absolutely no issue with me going, asked and showed an interest in the evening, asked how people were, showed interest in the friend who was ill and couldn't make it. All perfectly reasonable.

He never makes it difficult for me to go out.

So confusion can be the only reason.

And I have wondered that too.

I'm going to speak to him about it tonight.

But nothing else shows a withdrawal. He's still 'doing' all the right things but maybe that's the keeping the status quo thing.

He cuddled up to me in bed last night and he was interested in hearing about the night, laughed at the funny stuff - no dismissiveness or negativity at all.

If my DH is engrossed it doing something, and doesn't respond, I repeat what I said/asked. If that doesn't work, I touch him arm and repeat. I am always amazed how he can just be so switched off sometimes, my head makes me listen to everything that's going on around me..

I think you should ask him about it before speculating.

He likes my friends and they like him, he d have enjoyed the evening. But there was a reason he didn't want to go. And a reason he didn't want to tell me it.

He was making a cup of tea when I mentioned it last night. I addressed him directly and he looked at me. So he heard.

It was just odd that he didn't tell me at any point he wasn't coming.

Is he worried about saying the wrong thing to you? It could be that he waits for an indication of what the 'right' answer is?

Either a people pleaser or scared of you 😂

Several people in my family don’t realise that thoughts don’t exit through your mouth automatically. They seem to believe they think out loud.

It’s the opposite of, ‘did I just say that out loud?!’.

DH has hyper focus and doesn’t really do 2 things at once. If you speak to him, his brain may process it but his body is still doing something else so the answer doesn’t arrive at his mouth. He used to have a seriously annoying ‘nyuh’ response, which meant either yes or no and apparently was obvious which he intended.

Which is just to say, I think people can be so comfortable they don’t quite differentiate between us and me enough. You are so close he doesn’t need to say it out loud. Non verbal non communication 😅

Was it just that he misunderstood what you’d said and thought that if he went, he’d have been the only man present?

I mean, I don’t disagree that it’s a bit odd he didn’t clarify, or indeed tell you whether or not he was going out with you, but it sounds more like absent-mindedness or, as @PrizedPickledPopcorn says, that he appears to think he’s vocalised thoughts that have in fact stayed in his head.

Ha, no!

I've noticed some people pleasing tendencies around other people in the past but no, I'm pretty easy going.

Come if you want; don't come if you don't want. The invitation is there, it would he nice bit you're not going to get a hard time for just wanting a night at home on your own or going out with friends. None of my friends have 'dramatic' relationships with their partners either. All just pretty normal respectful lives.

If he'd said he hadn't wanted to come, there wouldn't have been any pushback. It would have been fine.

Was it just that he misunderstood what you’d said and thought that if he went, he’d have been the only man present?

I mean, that's a reasonable reason for him to not what to go! But if he'd said that, I'd have reminded him that another man would still have been there. It was the silence rather than the reason he gave that bothered me.

Which makes me think he hadn't forgotten that at all and knew if he'd said he didn't want to he the only man, I'd have reminded him he wasn't because he already knew. So said nothing.

Your gut instinct is telling you there's a reason for the lack of communication. Gut instincts aren't always right but very often they are - our intuition is very subtle and powerful.

You say this isnt the only occasion. What's the pattern of his communication gaps? Because ther's something behind this, whatever it is. I'd wonder about @Alwaysthesameoldstory 's suggestion but there could be other reasons too.

I'd observe the pattern a while, carefully, then talk to him.

Why would you rather believe that he did this deliberately than by accident?

Sounds to me like your relationship may have run its course.

Because you don't accidentally not answer a direct question and you don't accidentally offer someone a lift somewhere whilst still not having told them whether you're going with them.

Those are deliberate actions.

Nothing major.

But he previously would have said, "I've got band practice on Tuesday," or whatever. Or told me if it had been cancelled. It affects what we have for dinner for example.

But now he doesn't. It's dropped on me at the last minute or because I say, "I thought you had band practice tonight?" And he says, "Ah, it's been cancelled." When he got home previously, he'd have told what they'd done etc just normal chat about his evening or gigs they have coming up. Now he says nothing. Or he's vague about it, "We've got a gig in inna couple of weeks but that's it. Nothing about when or where it is or if he wants me to go or if i cant for some reason (eg if its a private or public function).

He'll give me basic information eg I'm going out on Saturday but nothing about where or who with when he previously would have told me just in conversation.

So when he does tell me anything, it's the very basic details with no conversation whereas before he'd have shared everything.

It's just poor communication overall. Like he doesn't share anything about what he thinks about anything other than politics or minor frustrations at work.

It's like the 'relate' part of the 'relationship' has just stopped. It just feels like everything is perfunctory.

I am going to speak to him tonight. I've been wanting to mention it for a while but it's been hard to without sounding accusatory, I think. But I think I can ask about last night out of curiosity and see what his response is.

Because it's fine if he just fancied a night in on his own, didn't fancy a group outing, had something else he wanted to do, was worried he'd be the only man or whatever. We don't own each other but just the lack of communication so I just didn't know seemed odd.

I think he's not that interested and isn't paying as much attention as you think. Some guys have mastered looking like they're listening but are tuning out a lot. And gotta say my attention wandered a bit as you went into the detail of who was and wasn't going and why etc so he could easily be doing similar if you chat a lot and he's not always got the energy or inclination to pay full attention.

I think you have to be even more direct with things you want specific answers on, and maybe expect a little less comms from him overall. I'm the only female in a home with DH and two teen DSs and none of them need to communicate anywhere near as much as I do, and I'm not especially chatty for a woman and DH is a decent communicator. But I get my comms top up from other women.

Well, your attention probably would have wandered but he knows these people and they have names in real life so it's a bit different. If I'd just said 'friends', relevant information would have been missing.

I think it's pretty normal to tell people who's going and where if you ask someone to join you. How else will they know otherwise?

He is a fairly chatty person. He's just stopped communicating.

Talk to him. Any changes in appearance? Wearing new clothes or aftershave suddenly? Sorry my mind is going that way but…

I agree with Pink Delight - I definitely communicate a lot more than my DH - but I've seen you have addressed that.

It sounds like your relationship is good overall - you talk all the time about loads of topics, he gave you a lift to your evening out and asked about your evening when you returned - so I'm struggling to understand why this is such a problem. No-one's perfect. Indeed, to me it actually seems a bit mean and game-playing not to remind him that he could have joined you for the evening out when he's gone to the trouble of giving you a lift to the event. Can you not just cut him some slack?

Sure I'm just saying he might not be listening/interested as much as you think. A male relative of mine thinks he's hilarious with the line "Your mother's mouth is moving again" but I think secretly a fair amount of guys have that feeling and simply aren't paying attention, assuming that we'll give them any vital info when it really becomes urgent so there's no need to take it in much in advance. If it's a stark drop off with your feller, maybe there's more to it and you should ask him - directly when he's paying full attention - but it could just be a more general dialling down of being bothered to say/listen as much as he started out doing. In which case you'd need to think whether that's giving you what you need or not.

Is he actually still in the band?

Just wondering if he's left or they've broken up and he's actually using the opportunity to meet someone else, who can't always get away?

The vagueness around it seems a bit like something going on with it.

I'd be concerned by this. It seems more of a profound change than just being absorbed or a poor listener. It reminds me a bit of when I was a teenager. I got on poorly with my mother and was always trying to shut down personal communication. I didn't like her knowing anything about me, even bland and harmless things, it felt intrusive and controlling. On the other hand, I was happy to talk about the news or what we'd watched on the tv as this felt like neutral, civil small talk - I just felt like anything she knew about me was somehow her taking ownership. I wanted to feel that I had privacy from her.

My mother was quite difficult and I was also a moody difficult teen. This isn't the kind of stuff you want in a marriage! I know the dynamics won't be the same for you, but the suddenly being very guarded about anything personal and not wanting to give anything away feels very withholding. It feels like he's trying to create some kind of self-protective distance, which suggests he feels distant - might be tactical, but could also be unconscious.

I think the weirdest thing here is you just left it when he didn’t answer you! Why wouldn’t you ask again? When he says about the lift, why didn’t you ask if he was joining you? It feels like you’re either trying to make a point or trip him up.

How old is he? Does he actively voice any decisions? Could it be a sign of cognitive decline if he used to be fine and now isn’t? But honestly, if you ask him if he’s joining you, and he says nothing, ask again. Ask if he’s heard you. Don’t just accept nothing - tell him he’s being really rude ignoring you. Maybe one of you has developed a hearing problem?