Am I being taken advantage of?

[Mofthree]

Me and DH decided to separate about 6m ago after 15 years together. He is a stay at home dad and I work full time. We decided to stay living together and he suggested that he moves out at the weekend and stays here in the week to which I agreed (I didn’t mind him staying but was also happy to agree).

He then said he didn’t feel he should pay anything into our joint account anymore as he stays at home with the children, despite the fact that he gets a good pension so I am now covering the £800 he was paying in as well as what I was paying in which is now most of my wages but I went along with it.

He has now given me a list of dates that he wants me to book off as annual leave as he has trips booked with this friends, this amounts to half of my yearly leave. Am I being fair to say no? I asked him to have the children for 1 Saturday night and he said no as I do the weekends. I feel like he gets every weekend to himself, should he really have 13 days in the week too?

Am I being taken advantage of here?

So he visits his gf on a weekend but lives in same house most of the month so why isn't he paying into the bills. Get him out asap and expecting you to accommodate all his trips it should absolutely be fifty fifty

No. You do realise he’ll come after half your pension soon!

So you work all week and then look after them all weekend and he gets every weekend off? Yes, I think you are being taken advantage of and I would refuse to take the annual leave unless this is redressed. Especially because he refused to do one Saturday night for you! He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Put your foot down OP.

Gosh, he’s an entitled CF! What a life, doesn’t pay any bills, has every weekend off, lots of holidays with the boys booked. Yes, he’s massively taking the piss.

How old are the kids. Go for 50/50. He might come for half of everything but then it’d be over. And he’d have to sort his shit out.

It doesn't sound like a fair arrangement, no.

You sound quite passive about it all. He thinks this and that and you go along? Are you afraid of him?

Have you had any legal advice? I think you should talk to a solicitor about sorting out a divorce.

Yes way too passive. Separate properly, get legal advice.
How old are the kids?

Aren't the children in school all week? How is he a stay at home Dad?

What a bizarre set up!! But you have agreed to it

Sounds like he is calling the shots without making any contribution!

Time to refresh the arrangements- he needs to move out and you need a more balanced childcare split so that you each get weeks and weekends.

Would that mean you buying him out of the house or has that already been done? If you want to maintain the co-living situation (can’t imagine this will work in the long term) he absolutely needs ro contribute. And either way you need that more balanced childcare split.

How old are your kids? What is the split of childcare during the week? What is the split of other family "chores"? How much does it cost for him to rent a separate flat? What ae you respective earnings - his from his pension and yours from work? You need all this information to work out what is fair.

They are 4, 8 and 10

The whole arrangement is geared towards him Op, he pays nothing, has every weekend off and he's still living with you, what was the point in breaking up with him? You say he's a SAHD, how many SAHM have every weekend off?

Thank you for replying. I’m not afraid of him but am trying to keep things amicable for the children so I don’t want to start an argument I guess.

I haven’t had any legal advice, was hoping not to go down that route. I have told him how I feel and that I won’t be taking the annual leave, if he won’t agree then I may seek legal advice.

The children are 4,8 and 10. He has them until I come home in the week and then it is a mix as we both do things different evenings. He does the majority of the housework in the week other than washing, ironing etc which I do and I do cleaning at the weekend.

We couldn’t afford for him to rent separately, we would have to sell our house and buy 2 smaller properties but that isn’t what is keeping us from doing it, it’s the shipping the kids back and forth is what we are trying to avoid and generally we see each other in the house very little so it works ok.

I earn a good wage and he has a reasonable pension and I have always been happy to pay in a lot more but he is now left with about £1000 a month and I am left with about £200.

Thank you for replying. I would like to buy him out of the house but unfortunately I can’t afford to do that so other than co-living we would have to sell our house and buy 2 smaller places.

Yes you are . He should move out and it’s not. ‘We’ problem it’s his not yours . He is massively taking the piss

If you can’t afford to rent separately where does he live on weekends and in the evenings ?

If there are assets (house, pensions etc), you really do need proper legal advice.

Just an initial appointment might help.

You don't have to make it a big legal battle, but going on like this blindly is a mistake.

This sounds really toxic for your kids - I know you mean well but I don’t think this is healthy for them. If you gave to sell and buy two cheaper smaller properties so be it - there was a reason you separated so time to action.

Where is he getting the money from for multiple trips?
Sorry just seen he has a good pension (how old is he?)

The situation is untenable. Living together while the divorce is processed is a stop gap, your aim should be to separate properly even if that means selling the house, sorry.
At the moment he's getting all the benefits of living in a nice house but gets all his money to himself and every "weekend off". I'm guessing he is staying with parents/friend/girlfriend at the weekend and doesn't pay rent there either. Life of Riley!

Yes you are being taken advantage of and that is even before we get to the multiple weekday holidays.

Get things sorted properly. The longer this goes on the more of an equity share he'll get for being SAHD. He needs a wake up call and a job - the kids are school age FFS.

I think that you need to separate properly.

I understand his point that being a SAHD has a financial worth. Not sure it equates to the costs of him living in the house- utilities, food etc

I also understand your point that paying his £800 isn’t possible long term and any increase in bills will eat up your left over money. Don’t forget that while you go to work and pay into your pension, your ex will be getting half of it when he decides to leave. Don’t forget that the mortgage payments you make now are also contributing to his future 50%.

You need a cheaper house that you can afford alone. If your ex met someone tomorrow and moved in with her, you could be stuck paying for a house that is too expensive for you and you’d be without his childcare help. I would protect myself by a sudden change like that by getting my ducks in a row and moving somewhere much cheaper. He could also decide that he wants to buy with his hypothetical new gf and want his equity from the house and half of your pension.

He needs to live elsewhere and come up with a proper child contact agreement with you so he can book holidays without your permission because he’d know when he was having the kids.

I would get legal advice so you know where you stand. You don’t have to act on the advice that you receive but you don’t want to be blindsided either.

He’s taking the piss and has the best of both worlds!

He does the majority of the housework apart from the cleaning and everything to do with washing? And he is looking after three school age children during the week and then having the weekends off at his girlfriends?

So he's living full time (as in sleeping at yours) during the week? But he's not paying any bills or anything?