Am I being taken advantage of?

[Mofthree]

Me and DH decided to separate about 6m ago after 15 years together. He is a stay at home dad and I work full time. We decided to stay living together and he suggested that he moves out at the weekend and stays here in the week to which I agreed (I didn’t mind him staying but was also happy to agree).

He then said he didn’t feel he should pay anything into our joint account anymore as he stays at home with the children, despite the fact that he gets a good pension so I am now covering the £800 he was paying in as well as what I was paying in which is now most of my wages but I went along with it.

He has now given me a list of dates that he wants me to book off as annual leave as he has trips booked with this friends, this amounts to half of my yearly leave. Am I being fair to say no? I asked him to have the children for 1 Saturday night and he said no as I do the weekends. I feel like he gets every weekend to himself, should he really have 13 days in the week too?

Am I being taken advantage of here?

Do you give him £1000 a month? what does he use that for?

This isn’t a sustainable solution long term.

short term, yes he needs to contribute.

long term I would look at 50:50 two separate houses. Paren A Monday and Tuesday parent B Weds and Thursday and alternate every other weekends. Look for work that will facilitate this / ask work for flexible working.

you could the 50:50 split into place now with one parent taking on responsibility on their nights

When he was paying £800 into the joint account , did that only leave him with £200 per month ( you say he now has £1000). That doesn't sound like it was equal ( you mention paying 'his' £800 now which leaves you with £200, so you previously had £1000 left yourself, to his £200)?
Id be very concerned that he has now stopped paying towards the house and bills completely. He will likely use that during the divorce to gain a higher percentage of assets. He'll argue he's been a Sahp, reliant on your income. Evidenced by you paying all joint costs.
Id sort that out asap and then separate properly.
Never trust that someone will play fair during a divorce.

Where is his income from, is it his pension?

I can't see this being sustainable long term. I'd be seeing a solicitor and finding out exactly what a proper split would look like financially. He's taking the piss at the moment.

I despair of some of the stuff I read on here sometimes.
This is a great life lesson for your kids to be learning on so many levels.
But you obviously know what you are doing, is okay otherwise you would be sorting it for the sake of your kids.

He cannot stay at the house all week bill free. I’d start there.

He can stop being SAHD, move out, pay his own rent and bills like any other adult.

Then you can negotiate weekends / holidays etc.

He needs to move out. He is being an absolute CF. Who does he think he is coming and going like that without paying a cent in bills?

And yes it is obvious he has “something” or “someone” at weekends so he should move out properly.

Also, so confusing for the kids.

OP @Mofthree it’s big girl pants time. Look into what help you can get with childcare costs / what options are available for care around your work hours.

Also time to look at the housing situation - do you rent or own? Etc

You have to take back some control because you are dealing with a piss taker.

💐.

OP it's big girl pants time. Look into what help you can get with childcare costs/ what options are available for care around your work hours.

He is a sahp though . He may be seen as the primary parent.

@Mofthree i know that you are trying to keep things amicable and you don’t want to upset the kids etc but please trust me, it is just better to separate. If you need to sell the house then do so.

Solicitors appointments / legal advice may seem scary and confrontational but this is about securing your own future, and by extension, that of your kids.

You really have to dig deep inside yourself and face this head on.

Divorce is horrific and I never would have chosen it by myself but the weird unbalanced uncertainty when desperately trying to keep things amicable while the other person is being a dick is equally unhealthy.

Please find the strength to get some legal advice so you at least know where you stand.

Don’t take his words as truth anymore - he is not your friend or partner anymore. It is painful but the sooner you realise this the better. He is looking out for himself. You should immediately start to do the same.

Also - whoever is housing him at the weekends should be encouraged to make that a full time arrangement. 🙄🙄. He is taking the absolute piss.

That is why she should get ahead of this by getting legal advice.

Sorry also - do primary parents not have to pay towards household costs?

He is dancing on both sides of the line.

No reason why OP wouldn’t get 50/50. SAHP are expected to go back to work or earn money in other ways.

I haven’t had any legal advice, was hoping not to go down that route.

What on earth do you mean? Your situation is complex and you stand to lose a shit ton of money if you don’t wake up and get professional advice on how to split your assets!

Also, you may think that you cannot afford two properties. But tightening belts and scaling down expectations is part and parcel of dissolving a relationship, especially where children are involved. You will have to bite this bullet because continuing the crazy setup you have right now is not an option.

Do your homework, collect all financial information and see a competent family solicitor. Without delay.

NB: Wikivorce and books like Divorce for Dummies will help you get an idea of what you need to do.

I don’t think you can claim SAHP when the kids are at school all day. What parenting is he doing?

Well some primary parents don't, no. Because there is no income at all for them. Of course I agree op's ex should be contributing. He is taking the piss. He has an income from his pension. But op looking into childcare and the costs around her work hours may not be necessary. Her ex has been a sahp. Who knows what the child arrangements would look like- 50/50, majority care to sahp. I'd certainly not assume majority care to op, given the circumstances. Legal advice definitely needed. The current situation isn't sustainable.

Not really wanting to argue with you as the main point is OP needs to seek advice.

As someone unfortunately fresh from the process - the starting point is 50:50 from the courts’ perspective.

Being a SAHP is not a get out of jail card anymore.

He will be told to take steps to increase his earnings - he can’t just sponge off the OP. If that forces a house sale then so be it. OP cant subsidise a fully able adult who has time to have a hectic social life that monopolises all weekends. That is not how it works.

The courts’ priority will be wellbeing of the kids and then making sure that whatever assets are available are shared in a way that both parties can then live a reasonable standard of living. His pension - which he is currently keeping to himself - needs to be included in that calculation.

I don't believe I said anything to the contrary of any of this.

He surely isn’t much of a SAHP if the kids are mostly in school all week. I assume he has the 4 year old all day? If he wants days off for travel, he needs to book in some childcare on those days.

And yes, if he’s earning an income, he needs to be paying for his living expenses. I cannot work due to cancer and I still contribute to our household expenses proportionate to the small amount of money I get every month. If he has money for travel, he has money for paying the mortgage that presumably is in his name.

If he can’t manage all this, he needs to go back to work. Has he stopped working due to illness? If he is well enough to go off travelling with friends (and I say this as someone off long term sick, because I couldn’t do that), he surely can get a part time job.

You said

”But op looking into childcare and the costs around her work hours may not be necessary.”

My view is that she needs to look into everything when dealing with someone who is not interested in playing fair. Knowing exactly where you stand is also helpful with reducing anxiety / fear.

My view though, from my lived experience only.

You're just kicking the can down the road. You will end up having to sell the house eventually and he will have saved a lot of money in the process to screw you over even more. You're just putting off the inevitable. Whip off that plaster now, get legal advice and burst his bubble coz ATM the only one benefitting from this arrangement is him! The kids will adapt and it will work out much easier in the long run! You will regret staying in this situation.

He’s already in receipt of a pension?? How old is he??

and he doesn’t work to look after the kids during the week….yet the kids are at school during the week.

And he doesn’t contribute towards any bills or housing costs because he doesn’t work to look after the kids…who are at school.

Yes. You are being hugely talented advantage of.

I’m going to guess that he was police, fire service, or similar so he has his pension at around 50. Most people in that situation get another job on top, he doesn’t feel he has to because you’re subbing him.

This situation will break down sooner or later. You’d be in a much better position if you take charge of it now instead of waiting for him to take you to the cleaners.

A smaller house is hardly the end of the world.

OP, why are you hoping not to go down the route of getting legal advice? My brother is getting divorced, it is a genuinely amicable split but they have still both taken legal advice. It doesn't have to mean that things get nasty, it just means that everyone's interests are fairly represented.

Don’t say anything to him but get legal advice. This situation is crazy and you are going to tie yourself in knots. What happens when he starts dating? This just isn’t a great way to bring up the kids.

Besides what’s the worst cast scenario if you see a solicitor that he doesn’t know about? A relatively small financial outlay against god knows what. You need to be your biggest advocate and accurate knowledge gives you accurate options

This is good advice. You don’t have to act on any legal advice that you receive.

Realistically though, divorce means that your ex could go on holiday and force you to take the time off. Very common in divorce for dads to ask (and get!) the contact that they want and the mum be forced to do the rest.

It’s admirable that you want to keep things amicable but realistically your ex isn’t unreasonable to want some proper leave from SAHP too. While I understand that the days he wants might not coincide with school
holidays etc, you are divorced and this means he doesn’t have to consider your annual leave when making plans. I know that the bar for men is low when I say this but he gave you notice and if you’re divorced, amicable and don’t have a childcare schedule, this is the best that you can expect.

I think you’re storing up problems for the future. Personally I’d look into protecting yourself now rather than have your ex surprise you with a demand like half the house equity in the future. Taking control is scary but best done with a clear head and on your timeline rather than having to react to him wanting changes.

In the case of most SAHMs when there's a divorce, she has to accept that she has to start working, even if part time to start. And seek benefits. He needs to do the same. This is completely ridiculous. In affect, he is behaving like a live in nanny with very set hours and not a parent with responsibilities.

As for "most housework" how do you figure that? You clean on weekends and do laundry and ironing. What is he doing?

What a dick.