Worried about my future if he leaves

[autisticmumto]

Hello, I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 years. We have a 3 year old and an almost 2 year old. We’ve been having more rough patches than good patches lately. Sleep deprivation is a killer and resentment is building on both sides. Neither of us seem happy. I said I want to work on it. He said he needs space to think about what he wants. I’m in the very real situation of him possibly ending things.

I have autism, I currently don’t work and stay at home with my kids. I rely on my partner for things such as making food, going out, taking meds etc, I honestly don’t think I could live fully independently. I’m worried I’ll have to call adult social services for help if he does leave. I have a mum but we wouldn’t be able to move into her house as she already has a lodger.
we own our home equally. He says he’ll help financially if it comes to it but I’m honestly terrified of what to do. I have autism, I had a breakdown 3 years ago and ended up in a psychiatric ward. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

Adult Social Services will undertake a financial assessment before offering any support. That will be the whole household income. Then there will be an offer of a personal assistant which will inevitably be more expensive than paying for your own help.

I know this because I've just gone through it. My MH nurse referred me without my consent. She was shocked at how much they wanted me to pay a week. I wouldn't have been able to pay for food or meet my debt payments.

I have said he's got every right to leave and probably would too if I were him. I'm objecting to pp saying he's a saint 🙄

He does sound like a saint and I’d say OP would agree, which is why she doesn’t want him to leave.

Only on MN can a woman say all these positive things about her DH and not say anything negative about him but still have posters calling him names and trying to blame him.

@Twirl0 A judge would decide what was in the children's best interests and if it was determined that their Mum couldn't cope with them as a single parent, couldn't the Dad be given custody? Why wouldn't that be an option?

Apply for PIP for yourself

It is not means tested

You can work & receive PIP
Or
Not work & receive PIP
It depends on your circumstances

Right. It was careless and thoughtless of both of them to have these two kids if OP is genuinely so incapable of doing basic life skills.

And the fact they’ve been together so long have kids and are not married makes me think this man has had his doubts about her and has had an eye on making quick exit for a while.

I was wondering this too.

Wow there’s a lot of opinions and thoughts to process. I honestly wasn’t expecting the negative/nasty messages. I genuinely just wanted to hear from people who have had similar experiences or just from autistic parents themselves as yes, autistic people are allowed to have children and make wonderful parents!

I worked full time before having my children. I struggled heavily as I was masking and in burnout. After my first baby I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with autism. Since then my mental health has declined. I struggle more with daily tasks now than I ever did before because of my mental health, however I’m having input from an occupational therapist and mental health team to help me.

I am hoping to go back to work soon to gain more independence but it’s hard to try and find a job that will accommodate neurodiversity, as well as finding a job that fits childcare. It was mine and my partners decision for me to stay at home with the kids while they’re so little, but it was always my plan to go back to work. My partners work isn’t mom-fri 9-5, it is a very unpredictable job that means he can be working any 5 days out of 7 and things can change last minute, so simply finding a job through the day isn’t easy as he needs to catch up on sleep from working late.

My partner is a wonderful man and dad. He chose to work evenings/nights so he’d have more time with the children throughout the day, while also giving me some extra support while I’m struggling so much. Yes, he does the majority of the cooking, supports me with leaving the house/trying new things, reminds me to take my meds, etc. Obviously my children and me wouldn’t starve if he were to leave, but would it be a nutritional diet? No. Hence needing extra support as I want the best for me and my children.

Me and my partner have been engaged for 5 years but the thought of a wedding terrifies me (loud music, large crowd of people, being the center of attention etc) so it isn’t a priority right now while the kids are so young.

I think people might be misunderstanding. I don’t mean I can’t live independently at all, I mean I think I would need some sort of support, as many autistic people do.

being told I made poor decisions with having my children is incredibly hurtful. All of my energy goes into my children. That’s why I struggle to have the energy left over to look after myself properly at the minute. Both mine and my partners families are loving and very involved. We have a good support network. I know I have my struggles but I am a good mum.

myself and my partner have both have a long talk today and worked things out, so thankfully this will stay as a hypothetical question.

for anyone who left a nasty/negative comment, please educate yourselves a little on being neurodivergent and a parent.

sincerely, I don’t think Mumsnet is for me, I definitely don’t have the thick skin needed to deal with the negativity.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the few kind and genuine messages, I read them all and appreciate every one.

Selfish prick?? can you try to see the situation through his eyes? how long would you cope?

@autisticmumto Please don't take it to heart - not everybody understands Autism and how it can impact upon daily life.
Are in in receipt of PIP if you struggle with looking after yourself? That will definitely help ease things a little.

Glad to hear that you're working things out together @autisticmumto. You sound like a good team and with support, you can get through the intensity of these early years. Sleep deprivation is very draining.

I've been married for yonks and have realized that everyone struggles at times. Your partner has less challenges than you, but that doesn't mean that he'll never suffer from stress/get burnt out/experience mental health challenges. I was taken aback when my NT, very calm and stable DH started suffering from work-related stress, for example, but it can happen to anyone.

So be kind to each other and do what you can to be mutually supportive - if that means getting in more outside help, looking into applying for PIP, do it.

Sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. It does sound like you have been through a lot. There’s been some good practical advise here. Ignore the stupidos.

FWIW as an ND woman who single parented a very challenging ND kid I think you are doing ok and it sounds like he’s doing what he can, but you both sound exhausted, which isn’t surprising. even if you didn’t have all that going on, this stage is exhausting. So give yourself some leeway.

As to a wedding, I just wanted to say, you absolutely do not have to have a wedding to be married. It can be literally whatever you want. I also hate being the centre of attention so mine was a civil partnership with two witnesses that took 10 minutes. Yes I was shaking and I couldn’t wait for it to be over but afterwards and ever since I’m so glad we did it - it really does make a difference (and I used to think people that said that were bonkers).

@autisticmumto unfortunately there are some people on here that enjoy dunking on autistic women. Some just lack knowledge of autism and how it affects people, the intersections between autism and mental health and burnout, etc. People also don't understand the loss of skills and functioning that can happen when you go through autistic burnout and what it takes to get those back.

There's also quite a bit of judgement towards stay at home mothers on here, some people really do see SAHMs as leeches, which is unfair. I never could have been a SAHM, it would have been completely the wrong thing for me, which just shows doesn't it that no two autistic folk are exactly the same. But for a lot of families it still works better than trying to juggle both of you working and childcare and yes, it's tough to get a job that will be understanding and accommodating enough. I've been very lucky with my career and where I've worked for the most part except for CAMHS going tits up during/just after Covid, but I'm aware that experience isn't everyone's.

Given time and support, you will recover from autistic burnout and you will be able to do more things and it won't all feel so overwhelming. Your DP will gradually be able to step back as you get your confidence back and your neurons firing again.

Where is the talk of judges coming from? Why assume courts will be involved?

DP working evenings / nights and then looking after OP and the kids during the day sounds like pure hell for him. The pure exhaustion and pressure. It makes sense why he’s had a moment of needing space. The dynamics need to change.

@RoseField1 I meant if they split up...but I've just realized that they're not married so no divorce or court orders.

My point about the children's best interests still stands though.

You still don't need a judge to decide child arrangements unless you can't agree between you

You said upthread that you relied on your DP for making food, going out and taking meds. Now you say that you can manage?
Sit down together and work out how much you can actually do, and how much he has to do. If you need to get help and support with living, contact social services. Is there a Health Visitor you see for your children? Do you see a psychiatrist?
Perhaps a care plan could be put in place.

@RoseField1 My post was in response to another poster who thought it wasn't an option for the children to live with their Dad. My point was that it could be an option if the Mum wasn't coping and sometimes courts do get involved/have to get involved.

Anyway, it's a moot point as the OP updated that they're working things out together, which is the best possible outcome.

I'm glad that you've sat down together and discussed the issues. It's probably very overwhelming at the moment, but it's important to get the help and support that you can.
Be very frank about your limitations.
Your DP does sound like a great partner and Dad, but he risks burnout too, so help for him would be positive.
I hope you all get the help you need.
On another note - I got married in a registry office with 2 witnesses, you don't need to have a wedding!

OP- how do your children get fed?

the most sensible post

Thank you 👍

Their father.

May be give a chance to the OP to reply herself.