Worried about my future if he leaves

[autisticmumto]

Hello, I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 years. We have a 3 year old and an almost 2 year old. We’ve been having more rough patches than good patches lately. Sleep deprivation is a killer and resentment is building on both sides. Neither of us seem happy. I said I want to work on it. He said he needs space to think about what he wants. I’m in the very real situation of him possibly ending things.

I have autism, I currently don’t work and stay at home with my kids. I rely on my partner for things such as making food, going out, taking meds etc, I honestly don’t think I could live fully independently. I’m worried I’ll have to call adult social services for help if he does leave. I have a mum but we wouldn’t be able to move into her house as she already has a lodger.
we own our home equally. He says he’ll help financially if it comes to it but I’m honestly terrified of what to do. I have autism, I had a breakdown 3 years ago and ended up in a psychiatric ward. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

I mean that supportively, by the way. Not judging.

We had to have a social services appointment after I was taken into a psychiatric unit. They had absolutely no concerns and neither do nursery that my oldest attends. As I’ve said. I can look after my children. It’s myself I struggle with

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time OP. You face significant challenges and having 2 small children to care for on top of that is a lot. I would reach out to adult social services and see what support they can offer. A visual daily planner could help you a lot, I think. Having a regular routine for things like food shopping, housework, medications etc will give you confidence. I know it's scary but there's no shame in needing support. I hope things work out for you - even if you and your partner don't stay together, I hope he will be a fully involved co-parent. It shouldn't be all on you. You can also speak to Citizen's Advice to see if there are benefits that you can access if you are unable to work.

Thank you so much for the support. It means a lot. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who’s been through/going through this

Thank you for the kind words. I have no doubt he’d be a great co parent, he’s very involved and a great dad so I know it wouldn’t all be down to me with the kids etc. I’m just struggling with the idea of the huge change and uncertainty around it all, especially as he’s the main earner and what would happen if he wants to sell the house etc

If you can’t look after yourself, you can’t look after their needs long term. Think about it; what use is a burnt out and broken mother to two little children? Again I mean this supportively. I work with families in my job and have been in ‘team around the family’ meetings whereby key individuals all meet with the parents and come up with an ongoing plan for support.

The pp who posted having been through similar herself had support from Early Help. It sounds like visuals and a daily planner/maybe a whiteboard where you wrote down everything that you need to do and wipe it off as it’s done will help. You need help to get that kind of thing set up. Though your occupational therapist (is that what you said you have?) can help with that.

You need to build the skills to be a mum to your children (which includes/necessitates looking after yourself) without relying entirely on your partner for survival.

He has kids, if its too much for him then they could apply for help, a carer to help his wife. Instead rather than work on things like his wife wants he just wants out. As I said, he's a selfish prick.

I was going to ask if you’re having any kind of therapy or support. This would be ideal, not just for self improvement, but increased confidence and a switch to what you can do (even if with adjustments) rather than what you can’t, would ease your anxiety too. Your OP was framed in a very negative way and all about what you can’t do and how you can’t function, which is probably influencing a lot of the replies too. I suspect that sadly, a lot of them are mirroring the way you feel about yourself too, so a change of perspective is definitely needed.

If you can give some clear examples of what you struggle with, I’d be happy to suggest some things that might help.

OP has said that he’s a good dad and there’s nothing to suggest that he wouldn’t be a good co-parent if they split.

how did you manager giving birth twice and letting the HV oblivious to how you really are. Did you lie to them?

There are some horrible responses on her. Work with occupational health to see what works for you. Apply for PIP. Like sokelen said, the money could be spent on a cleaner etc.
Speak to ypur GP and anyone else involved.

Yes change and uncertainty are very hard to deal with. If he decided to leave, you will need to get some legal advice. Citizens Advice can help you with finding suitable housing, you can speak to your local council's housing department too. As a vulnerable adult with small children, you should be eligible for social housing or you can apply for Universal Credit and look for a private rental property. I hope your partner would help and make sure that you and the children are housed safely and securely.

You don’t go out much , do you?

My health visitor was worth her weight in gold both times. She got me the help I needed because I was open and honest with her about how much I was struggling, hence the psychiatric ward shortly after birth which saved my life.

I don’t have any specific information that would be helpful but just wanted to say, I hope things get easier for you soon and send you a warm hug.

A relatively easy step to take would be to feed yourself when you feed the children.

there are adhd workbooks for house cleaning. It’s like a timetable thing with daily tasks weekly tasks monthly tasks etc with tick boxes. You may not be adhd but something like that could help. You could add shower and brush teeth etc

sort yourself a routine. Washing. Meal planning shopping (get online groceries delivered). I recommend long life milk and having spare bread in the freezer. Even if you do a two week meal plan and always just do that if it’s a balanced diet you just stick to that and think about it less. Learn some easy things you can cook extra of and freeze- eg bolognese so you just have to microwave that and cook the pasta on days you run out of bandwidth.

bills are a faf to set up if you split but if you set up direct debits you don’t have to think about them if you stick to your bujget. I don’t know if CAB can help with that. There are money management charities that help people in debt who may be able to walk you through it. Or adult social care.

alarms for medication.

right now you stop trying to save your relationship. You don’t have the energy for that. You need to focus on how you can manage alone. In doing that you may find it shifts some burden off your partner and that’s what he needs.

you said your mum can’t take you in because she has a lodger. If she didn’t have the lodger would she be happy to? Because if you get pip and you will get child maintenance if you split and the kids stay with you, your mum could claim carer allowance. Possibly this will make up the shortfall from the rent? Talk to her- you don’t know until you ask.

your children are very small. You will be knackered even without autism in the mix. Things do get easier as they grow up generally.

I’m autistic and my son is high needs autistic, I felt like I was breaking and couldn’t cope when he was 3. I can manage all the tasks I’ve listed here, work and function fine. But when you are struggling everything becomes so much harder! I started the meal planning same meals on rotation, washing was Monday washed and hung, Wednesdays I put the washing away, Sunday I cleaned bathroom and kitchen and changed beds. Just routine so things didn’t overwhelm me, and I e kept that up because why take back extra mental effort when it works well?!

Surely you can bulk batch some meals so that he doesn't do all the cooking and you can do some chores. Even a couple of things is better than nothing.
This is an incredible amount of stress to put on your OH and his mental health needs considering too.

Some really unnecessarily harsh comments here. I’m sorry OP that you’ve been through a rough time and are obviously still going through it to an extent - I don’t really have too much advice to offer, other than I think it’s a great idea to follow up on some of the suggestions here, talk to your partner and talk to services that may be able to offer additional support for you. Sounds like you are more capable than you realise, but that you just need the right type of support in place. I understand how debilitating certain physical and mental health conditions can be, and I can sympathise - I hope that you can find the help you need, and the strength to reach out for it, and I also hope that you don’t let the few unhelpful comments here get you down. It’s the last thing you need when you’re feeling a bit fragile, and I’m sure with the right kind of help in place you’ll be able to manage brilliantly. Look after yourself, OP. Hugs to you 💐

I do 90% of the cleaning/chores. He helps out when I ask

Wow, some of the responses in this thread really highlight how little understanding and empathy there is for autistic people and how difficult day-to-day life can be if you are autistic.
Sorry you are going through this OP.
You may be eligible for some help. I work as a PA (support worker) for people with disabilities, including autism. A personal assistant supports individuals to live independently. The people I work for get a monthly funding allocation to employ their support worker through our city's council. It may depend on where you live (I'm not sure if it varies from place to place). You would need to have a financial assessment to find out if you qualify, but if you were in the situation of being a single parent without income, I imagine you would qualify. Even if you qualify for just a few hours a week of help from a support worker - cleaning, cooking, shopping, helping you with life admin, etc, you can choose what help you want your PA to do - it might be enough to keep you afloat mentally, emotionally and physically.
If you still have contact with social services or health visitor ask them, or try googling your local council and personal assistants.

just to say, op, that you have excellent written communication skills, so you may be able to find something remote and part time in the future should you have to return to work.

From the little OP has shared here it's safe to assume he has also been struggling with the pressure of supporting her especially if she refuses to get help.

Going straight to LTB makes no sense, how is she supposed to support herself when she LTB and if she will have to get help of she leaves him then maybe she should get help now to reduce the pressure and maybe save their marriage...

I don’t see many signs to date that DP is at fault here. He gets to decide if the relationship works for him in the same way OP does.
OP has been given some good advice she can follow but I don’t think vilifying DP will help anyone.

In Kindness

You are mature and adult enough to have birthed 2 children

Your Autism didnt prevent that

Im seriously not having a dig, Im AUdhd myself

Luckily Im only being diagnosed fully in my 50's /60's. Seems Im also dyslexic and have APD ( hearing dyslexia) Yeah - go figure :)

Thing is, yes I have struggled in so much of my life, here I am , in my 60s, home owner, worker, wife, never poisoned anyone ......

Dont use your diagnosis to prevent you . You cant be so far up the scale to be fair as you have managed a relationship and 2 pregnancies without any input advising against it

You have probably got lulled into the sense that if you say you cant - then partner picks up. But you can. As a woman, when the chips are down, you can move mountains

Have faith in what you can do and find those big girl knickers

Life really isnt easy and sure you may struggle for a while. But you will get there , if you believe you can and that the separation id best for you and the kids

I'm AuDHD and have a senior role at work but really struggle with executive functioning and consistency at home with housework. Most of us ND folk have a spiky profile of things we are much better at and things that are more of a struggle. You may only be seeing your struggle spikes and the tasks that drain your energy, not the things you do well and that give energy back.

Do you have a family hub near you that you could take the kids to? They can be great places for advice and support and socialising for the kids, if you can manage it.

Applying for PIP so you can have some paid help with the household tasks may be useful, as others have suggested.

Also, have you considered you may also be struggling with understimulation? Having wee ones can feel like groundhog day. I remember feeling like I was just drowning in drudge work and my brain was atrophying during mat leave. It doesn't have to mean paid employment, but do you have hobbies, interests that you engage in? Any volunteering you might want to do in the future? New skills you want to learn? It kinda sounds counterintuitive and probably is for neurotypical burnout, but for ND brains understimulation can be as much of a contributor to burnout as overstimulation. Staying at home with young kids can feel like you are always busy and there's more to do than you have time for but you also don't feel like you ever accomplish anything. What gives you a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment in your own right?