Worried about my future if he leaves

[autisticmumto]

Hello, I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 years. We have a 3 year old and an almost 2 year old. We’ve been having more rough patches than good patches lately. Sleep deprivation is a killer and resentment is building on both sides. Neither of us seem happy. I said I want to work on it. He said he needs space to think about what he wants. I’m in the very real situation of him possibly ending things.

I have autism, I currently don’t work and stay at home with my kids. I rely on my partner for things such as making food, going out, taking meds etc, I honestly don’t think I could live fully independently. I’m worried I’ll have to call adult social services for help if he does leave. I have a mum but we wouldn’t be able to move into her house as she already has a lodger.
we own our home equally. He says he’ll help financially if it comes to it but I’m honestly terrified of what to do. I have autism, I had a breakdown 3 years ago and ended up in a psychiatric ward. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

Would you consider a 50/50 care arrangement? Im not sure your needs as you describe them Would meet Adults SC. Threshold is extremely high. Do you get PiP. This could pay for support.

OP would going to your mums and taking the time and space to get yourself into a better place, learn how to cope better with "adulting" now you know you're autistic and can start trying out the coping strategies that are likely to help with that? So you can come back to the family home, your partner and your kids feeling more capable and able to be more of a partner to your DP?

It sounds like your breakdown happened around the time of your first child? You then had an autism diagnosis and another child in just a few years? I think it's unsurprising you've had a hard time getting to grips with everything. Getting some space might be much more your need than your DP's in terms of getting to a place where you can be a family.

Did you used to work and cook and things? Or has that always felt a bit beyond reach? Wondering if it's just a matter of finding ways to get back to that state and add in extra coping so you can balance your DCs needs, your own and being a partner, or if there's a lot more to this and a more candid discussion about what's in your DC's best interests is needed.

Why do you go straight to social services getting involved rather than considering that the children could be cared for by their father?

Are you ok? This sounds very much like projection. People are allowed to want to end relationships even when children are involved, it doesn't necessarily mean they are being selfish. You cannot possibly know enough about his experiences and motivations to say that.

@autisticmumto are you aware there’s a neurodiversity board on MN? It doesn’t show up in active, because of the amount of abuse it was attracting when it did. You might get some support there from people who understand your struggles.

As an autistic mum too, who only figures out that I was autistic when my eldest was diagnosed, I can relate. Sleep deprivation, I believe, was the biggest factor in my struggles in early motherhood. It amplified everything else, undermined my resilience in every respect. At 2 and 3, you’re in the trenches. In another year you might have better sleep patterns in place and things will improve.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Change and uncertainty is terribly destabilising. I know it sounds trite but whatever happens you will be ok, because it will become the new normal. Just because you had a breakdown post partum doesn’t mean you will again. Hormones can affect us much more.

It may help to focus on small concrete steps for now. Can you get copies of financial information together? Check online, or go in person and enquire about what benefits you would be entitled to. What is your housing situation?

You sound like you're filling in a pip form.

Sorry to hear you are struggling. PPs have some great suggestions. An additional one would be a slow cooker, possible to dump the ingredients in and serve with bread or microwave rice.

To improve sleep, try to get out of the house during the day to regulate your circadian rhythm. Have you ever tried meditation? The Plum Village app is free and great. The practice of loving kindness meditation is so helpful for self compassion.

Do you have a good GP? Medication might be helpful to help manage anxiety about possible change 💐

I think you need to be really realistic about what you can and can't do alone if you can't take care of your own needs you can't take care of 2 small children. They have to come first no matter what happens even if that means their dad having full custody and you having them once a week or every other weekend.

Why don’t you go to work and he takes on the role of being a SAHD for a while?

It may be that this helps the relationship, if only for a couple of years until the DCs are in school.

What work did you do before you had children?

Honestly OP, if I knew this man in real life I would be telling him to run.
Its not normal that you cannot function as a normal adult and need someone to look after you.
I think it’s shocking that you had kids knowing this.

I think you need to be the one to move out and leave the DCs with their dad.
Perhaps you could see them in the evenings and therefore it will help him out with childcare too.

How can you read this thread and come up with that he’s a selfish prick??

For 10 years, he’s had to look after another adult and now that there are 2 children in the mix he’s having to do way more than his fair share because OP ‘struggles’ plus he works on top and OP doesn’t.

He sounds like an absolute saint.

There is no way that I’d be living with a man who didn’t work and then expected me to do more than my fair share.

This man should have left years ago.
I’m glad he’s finally seeing sense.

He sounds like an absolute saint.

Usually 'saints' are in it for the sainthood bestowed upon them by others.

And you sound like you're being unnecessarily nasty to a disabled person.

Its not being nasty they are the exact words used on a pip form

I wouldn't waste too much time and energy arguing with people on here, OP. People either get it or they don't.

I come from a strongly ASD family, and one of the most useful things a family member did was to book in with an ADHD life coach. There's a big crossover with ADHD and autism, so even if you haven't been diagnosed with both, I believe you would find it useful to help with executive function.

Maybe you could talk to your husband about getting ahead of a possible split and explain that his supporting you to see this kind of life coach now could mean you needing less support from him in the future because you would be able to take on more of the burden of the day-to-day care of the children. Sell it as a long-term investment in his own ease and comfort!

Your posts sound as though you are exhausted, run down, and suffering from complete autistic overwhelm. If you are looking after your children and doing 90% of the cooking and housework, you are far more capable than you give yourself credit for. An ASD life coach should be able to work with you on simple and practical steps to make sure that you're able to care for yourself in the future as well as your children. And remember they won't always be tiny and need quite so much executive function on your part.

Panic at the thought of being abandoned and left to struggle alone won't be helping you here, and your brain will be feeling as though it is in meltdown. This means you're convinced you are less capable than you have proved yourself to be so far.

If you can step back and let a professional talk you through this crisis and encourage you into finding ways to cope on a day-to-day basis, I think some of the panic and overwhelm will recede.

Good luck to all of you.

That's good then, that's not bad at all. Maybe see if you can figure out how to do some meals, it'll make a big difference.

He’s definitely a better person than me.

Theres no way I’d stay with a man who didn’t work and relied on me so much for everything.

Its important to me that someone is with me because they want to be and not just because they can’t live on their own.
I am not a replacement mummy.

Because from OP post it’s about how she will cope with the kids on her own. She didn’t state that it was an option for him to have the kids.

I find it hard, as an autistic mother myself, with two kids the same age doing it on my own to give OP sympathy. I have zero help from family either. As a mother, you find a way. It won’t be pretty, I say that from experience, but as long as you’re doing the basics like feeding them and keeping them safe, dressed etc you will get through. OP I really do hope you can find a solution. Please do not spend another day relying on this man

Theres no way I’d stay with a man who didn’t work and relied on me so much for everything.
Its important to me that someone is with me because they want to be and not just because they can’t live on their own.

Sure @Butterme
But unless somebody held a gun at the partner's head, then he chose to have multiple children with a person who was clearly always going to struggle with parenting. He made some poor choices and is having to deal with the fallout of those choices. He is almost certainly someone with a lot of stuff going on himself. But in the meantime, there are two more people in the world who are almost certainly going to face significant struggles in life themselves. A saint he is not.

OP, did you work and look after yourself before the kids, breakdown, and autism diagnosis?

The answer to that might help direct you to the best kind of support.

If you were working, could feed yourself, and manage your own personal care until a few years ago, it’s might be that you haven’t recovered from the the psychiatric illness properly and need to see your GP about ongoing treatment. It’s also not uncommon for people to stop masking and deploying coping strategies once they get an autism diagnosis. This is often because it’s been a struggle to work through the things you have difficulties with, an a diagnosis can provide an explanation and justification for not struggling through. If that’s the case, specialist autism treatment is required because this is no way for either of you to live.

If you’ve always had these difficulties, and never been able to work or look after yourself properly, I think you’re long overdue reaching out to adult social services and applying for disability benefits in order to pay for the support you need.

A 'saint' for having two kids with a partner who clearly struggles with basic life skills? Oh and by having her stay home to look after the kids and decimate her earning potential without marrying her? Yes, what a saint. Sounds like having two children was a bad decision on both their parts.

Would you have had two children with a man like that though??

It's always an option for the other parent to look after their children, barring risk or serious capacity issues, none of which are present here.

OP said she wasn’t this bad before, it’s the past few years after having DCs that her MH has become worse.

He couldn’t leave before because of her MH but how long do you stay when your own MH is struggling?

And she isn’t being forced to be a SAHM - no one is.
Her DH works during the evenings when the DCs are in bed, just so that he can help her and the DCs during the day.

She can easily get a job during the day but she chooses not to and so he’s the one paying the bills to allow her to stay at home.

And OP has not mentioned him not wanting to marry her.
It could easily be her not wanting to marry him.

You might put your MH aside for your DP who doesn’t work and can’t live independently but for me, my MH is just as important as my DPs and therefore if I was struggling then I would leave.

If you think he’s that bad then you must think OP should separate from him asap?

I wouldn’t say ‘careless.’ If he’s working to support the family, pay all the bills, plus having to do all the cooking, even making sure his partner takes their meds- well, that’s a massive pressure on anyone.