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Original poster

Advice on FWB please…

32 replies

bluelightwonder · 23/04/2026 15:22

Hi all, long time lurker here! Never posted before.

I have had a FWB on and off for the last two years following my divorce from my husband (two adult kids). I’m female, mid forties.

I now feel ready for a proper relationship and as such, my feelings for this guy have grown stronger, so I asked him whether we might ever be anything more to which he replied that we wouldn’t, he’s happy with things as they are and he has plans for his future, and he doesn’t want to hurt me by lying to me. I am devastated by this but I get it.

I have been on a number of dates with other people over the last few months and I just don’t have any spark or feelings for them, probably because I now like the FWB too much I suspect, so preventing me from moving on.

Do I carry on seeing FWB until I meet, or hope to meet someone else, or do I knock it on the head now, and ride out the painful misery that will follow? It’s going to happen at some point no doubt.

And what if I end it and never meet anyone else?

OP posts:
Villanellesproudmum · 23/04/2026 15:24

Knock it on the head, it’ll free you up to meet someone and allow time to get over it.

4yearstogo · 23/04/2026 15:49

It's good he has been so honest with you. I think you need to end it, whether or not you then look to find a partner- being in a FWB situation with someone you have feelings for will just bring you heartbreak and you won't be able to start anything new while you still have feelings for this guy.

Might be worth ending it and spending a bit of time single TBH if you went very quickly from divorce to the FWB situation.

Credittocress · 23/04/2026 15:52

End it and use the gap to move on. New guys you’re meeting don’t stand a chance when compared against someone you have a two year history with.

Many men would be happy for intimacy on tap with no requirement for commitment, of course your FWB is happy for things to continue, but these things only work if people don’t develop feelings

StationJack · 23/04/2026 15:52

And what if I end it and never meet anyone else? You buy a vibrator and realise that being someone's booty call is shit.

Pandorea · 23/04/2026 16:00

I don’t think you necessarily have to end it abruptly. Maybe you could wean yourself off him by seeing him less frequently and also starting to date other people - with ‘space’ between visits to FWB so that you’ve not arranged to see him after a date and can just end it if you click with someone. I did that - ages ago. I met my husband and then would just see former fwb occasionally platonically for a few years. All worked fine.

Pandorea · 23/04/2026 16:01

That said, I didn’t have romantic feelings for fwb which I guess would complicate things

Original poster
bluelightwonder · 23/04/2026 16:15

Thanks all for your replies. I’m having the worst day ever feeling absolutely
miserable

OP posts:
Original poster
bluelightwonder · 23/04/2026 16:16

@Pandoreathats a good idea and I did think about this but I think the feelings I have are going to get in the way of this

OP posts:
Needaglowup · 23/04/2026 16:19

For someone who has been where you are , I wish I’d left as he was always in the background, he was always my safety net. . I ended up getting really hurt. You’re not the one for him so leave it now.

heloobyeee111111111 · 23/04/2026 16:38

I just ended my fwb on Monday and it was the best feeling of being in charge. He also said he didn’t want a girlfriend and had plans. I didn’t have feelings for him though so suppose it’s easier for me but honestly the relief I feel now is great and it’s nice a woman being in charge for once and saying no. He was confused at first but I don’t care :)

Original poster
bluelightwonder · 23/04/2026 17:08

@Needaglowup this is how I feel. He’s a safety net, someone I have in the background who I’m scared to lose, but has the potential to really hurt me, which it already has and stop me from finding someone who makes me a priority. It’s so, so hard

OP posts:
Original poster
bluelightwonder · 23/04/2026 17:09

@heloobyeee111111111 ahh well done. I ended it with my ex-husband and felt so empowered afterwards!

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 23/04/2026 17:16

You're just going to keep pining for him if you keep fucking him, you keep reinforcing your feelings for him with sex and that doesn't leave room for anyone else.

He doesn't care about you and that's hurting you so time to end it. He's got plans for his future that don't include you so this is a temporary thing that will probably not last much longer anyway.

dollyblue01 · 23/04/2026 17:26

Ditch him , he’s just using you until someone else comes along and you’ll be dumped anyway, so walk away now why you still have the choice , he’s made it clear to you that it’s never going to be more, so either you do it now or, you do it when he decides.

outerspacepotato · 23/04/2026 17:34

Also, if you've told him you love him and want a relationship, that makes it awkward and it's hard to just have fun with someone you know wants more. The fun is gone.

FieryA · 23/04/2026 17:50

dollyblue01 · 23/04/2026 17:26

Ditch him , he’s just using you until someone else comes along and you’ll be dumped anyway, so walk away now why you still have the choice , he’s made it clear to you that it’s never going to be more, so either you do it now or, you do it when he decides.

How is he using her? They are mutually consensual FWB set up and he has been honest about his feelings. So how is the guy the bad one here?

Needaglowup · 23/04/2026 17:53

@bluelightwonder you can do this , I wasted so much time , and you’ll be amazed how quickly they replace you and they do it all over again with someone else

Tooconfused12 · 23/04/2026 18:01

This is why FWB doesn’t work in practice. In theory, it’s great - NSA sex with someone you get on with and fun all round. But inevitably one of you develops feelings and then there’s always tears before bedtime. It’s usually the woman who develops feelings because men are ruthless and can compartmentalise sex from emotion, leaving you in a whole new world of pain.

Run for the hills

Original poster
bluelightwonder · 23/04/2026 18:22

@dollyblue01 he isn’t using me, we had an agreement for a long time, and the last 3 months my feelings have changed which I’ve been honest about, and in turn, so has he. I’ll do it now for my own sanity, it’s just going to be very hard

OP posts:
Brightbluesomething · 23/04/2026 18:28

If you have these feelings it’s no longer a FWB and your only healthy option is to end it. You’re not being fair to yourself if you keep this going and he’s done the decent thing and been really honest with you. You won’t fall for anyone else whilst he’s still in your head.
You can only let these feelings subside when you have no contact, nothing else works.
Having left someone I was in love with who realistically only saw me as a FWB (even though it was termed a relationship it wasn’t, it was a situationship at best) I do know how hard it is. You will feel better, just not yet.

Original poster
bluelightwonder · 23/04/2026 18:36

@Needaglowupand @Brightbluesomething thank you. I really appreciate hearing from people who have been there

OP posts:
CocoaTea · 23/04/2026 20:55

Pandorea · 23/04/2026 16:00

I don’t think you necessarily have to end it abruptly. Maybe you could wean yourself off him by seeing him less frequently and also starting to date other people - with ‘space’ between visits to FWB so that you’ve not arranged to see him after a date and can just end it if you click with someone. I did that - ages ago. I met my husband and then would just see former fwb occasionally platonically for a few years. All worked fine.

I would not advise this as overlaps when one person has feelings - real feelings - will always be complicated and painful.

@bluelightwonder

I agree with PP - just end it and end it fully. Clinically.

It is so hard post divorce but honestly so many men are entirely happy with these really vague, uncommitted relationships and when that no longer works for you, then you really need to save yourself.

He could drag this out forever.

Put yourself first and just call it.

Not to be mean but from experience, if he ever met someone he did want to commit to, he would drop you fast and with no hesitation. Always remember that.

I hope you find your person.

Original poster
bluelightwonder · 23/04/2026 21:12

@CocoaTea thank you, I know he wouldn’t hesitate to drop me if he found someone he did want to spend his life with. I need to be reminded of these things.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluelightwonder · 23/04/2026 21:14

I’m going to call it, and save myself from
any future pain. It isn’t fun anymore for me, I know this. I also know it’s going to be hard to just cut him off but I can do it and I will do it. Thanks everyone. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
Wanttobeanonhere246 · 23/04/2026 21:17

@bluelightwonder similar situation. Cold turkey is the only way. It’s hard :( Keep talking here for support or feel free to PM.