confused, paranoia, jealously, or good reason?

[saywhat]

You could say DH and i are going through a rather rough patch at the moment (if you count arguing most nights and every weekends as a rough path, i count it really as a god awful near the verge of splitting kind of patch).

It pretty much started with the move to our new house last month..and the start of a lassie joining his all guy team at work.

Bit of background, i have NEVER been the jealous type, hand on heart, never been concerned, but i am 23 now, with nearly 3 pregnancies behind me, and not looking the way i used to, so i am sure that contributes to the fact that i cant seem to stop that so called womens intuition clanging away.

He started being late home from work. It took about 3 nights of shouting and arguing for him to decide that it might be nice to try to let me know if he is going to be over 2 hours late home. He blamed it on traffic, on his boss etc. Maybe how am i meant to know, until i found out all the nights he has been late she has been working. first clang.

Then out of the blue one weekend he said she had asked him to make her a bird table. what? why? I said what so you can go round her house to do it yes? he was like i dont know. I said, she has a bloke doesnt she cant he do it? and you have never even made a bird table in your life so why does she think you can make her one? much scratching of heads. Anyway i told him if he wants to make her one fine...but he does it in work time, not family time (bitchy i know) but in my mind she wasnt asking him to make her a bird table, she was asking him to come to her house and have wild sex (see paranois) the bloke doesnt live with her mind.

so....the lateness carried on, he managed to be home on time 3 times in a row, then i discovered she had been on holiday for three days.

Then i find that she has been texting him regarding work from her personal number, and discover that she actually has a work phone..which she doesnt text him from. so she uses her personal credit to text or phone my husband about work? and i swear to god he looked a bit shifty when i said that was odd.

Husband never texts either, he always phones, so yes i have started checking his phone, knowingly in front of him and no there is never anythign to be found.

so why oh why is my alarm bells ringing. This weekend, i find he has decided to work saturday. How do i find this out? i am lying in bed this morning coughing my guts up and snivelling snot all over the place (sorry) and he says to me, oh i suppose i better say not work saturday now, i havent told stuart anyways. so i sais, well who are you going to say to that you are not working then (confused). He says the lassies name. So i am like, erm, why does she know you are working saturday?? who else knows? noone apparently. WTF? is she working saturday? yes, oh but its not like that.

He left in atemper after i told him to not worry about cancelling his saturday date for his sick pregnant wife and two toddlers. well i was angry and irrational i know.

so whats to be done? something has to be, because this is going to carry on...and on...and on...i should just give him the benefit of the doubt shouldnt i. i wish i could because the rate i am going i may as well phone her and say stand by, a few more weeks of being shouted at and he will be in bed with you for sure

Didn't want to read your problem and not say anything,his behaviour does sound a bit strange maybe you should try and have a heart to heart.I really feel for you

i do try beeny, i have said to him, so if the shoe was on the other foot, you are telling me you wouldnt think there is the possibility something is going on? he said he would yes.

He then swears blind he isnt. The fact of the matter is though, that its his word i have to take, and should take, because he is my husband. but i cant, i just feel like there is something not right.

Is it possible to get someone to baby sit and chat not in home environment.You need to sort this out as it is not good for you(abig hug)

I don't knwo what to say.

On one hand the fact that he is open with you about this woman says to me that he isn't playing away, nor planning on it, but his being late on the days she is at work suggests that they are at least having a coffee or something after.

DP has recently got 'closer' to a woman he worsk with. She didn't work in the same department as him for a while, and was known as the Office Bike, apparently she was sleeping with some numpty behind her husbands back and always flirting with DP's mate, so when she started working in his department and now he mentions her all the bloody time it rings bells in my head, of course it does, but I'm sure it's just paranoia and me being silly, she is just a woman he works with that had gossips talking about her and isn't a threat to us at all.

From your post I would say it seems a similar situation to my DP's, he is friends with a woman from work.

Do you think it could be that they are just friends? Would you feel the same if this whole situation was with a guy?

I really hope it's nothing more serious but IME people who are cheating are a lot more cagey.

i have been cheated on once before victorian squalor, and he got away with it for 6 months before i found out, because he was so open about the receptionist he worked with (different guy buy the way) in fact he even passed her off as the girl his brother had a crush on. i didnt have a clue, because i thought there was no way anythign could be going on, he wouldnt be so open.

so i suppose i am a bit twisted in that way because of that, and think to myself, well he knows i cant prove anything at all, so he could say anything he likes. He has hung up on me twice this morning, but admittedly i was very cross.

I am trying to get the courage to phone my parents and ask them if me and the girls could stay with them for the weekend, i just cant face another weekend of rowing or want my girls to have to, but at the same time, i cant bear to admit to them that we are having problems just now.

Ah, so he's got form?

oh they could be just friends i suppose, but i dont understand, when i have NEVER been jealous with him before, that he wouldnt tell me that. I used to joke with him about the girls he would check out whilst driving, and rate them myself lol, silly things like that. I was never bothered. I could understand him being funny about telling me if i was the bunny boiler type (which i think i am rapidly morphing into) but to start off with no i dont get it.

he has form? sorry its morning and i am without coffee, what do you mean?

Ah, I read your last post wrong, didn't realise it was a different guy that cheated before, that's what I meant by 'got form'.

What has he said when you question him about her then if he hasn't said they are just friends?

we were having trouble before this, because my hubby is a long term weed smoker, and regular night time drinker (4 cans a night) which i finally got him to go to a GP about a few days ago, and he has been referred for an appointment with the CPN.

I have become really paranoid lately that he doesnt actually love me at all, but he does ADORE his children, so he just tolerates me along with them. It sbecause i cant actually understand why he needs to escape with weed and drink every night and the only conclusion i keep coming to, is that its me, rather than spend a nice evening with me, i am so terrible to spend time with he has to put himself somewhere else to be able to take me on so you could say my confidence is at an all time low anyhow.

We got together very quickly, i was with him 7 weeks when i got a positive pregnancy test and was 19. he was 30. the frist few years were hard with a baby, then another with 14 months in between, but last year things were really going well. It all seems to have disintegrated and i dont know how to put us back together again.

I tried to do a date night on the friday, because we dont have a baby sitter where we live and i had started following fly lady, i thought it sounded a great idea. SO did he, and then was late home by nearly 2 hours again and didnt seem to care about our 'special' night.

most of the time though my head is just in a mess and i cant sort it all out in there, whats pregnancy hormones, whats lack of confidence, whats genuine concern, whats going on full stop!

he says he hardly knows her, because she originally joined his team but now runs a seperate one, so they are both formen/women of a group of lads. Another thing i dont understand, if he hardly knows her why does he keep coming out with things like, oh thingies cousin lives out here you know. oh this is where thingie stays. her asking him to make her a bird table, but they hardly know each other? i dont get it. is it me? am i being a bit delusional?

No, VS, different guy.

SW, it sounds like he is enjoying her company, and having a mild flirtation, or perhaps she fancies him and he is flattered - or of course it could be coincidence and absolutely nothing. You can't ban him from speaking to her as they may just be friends, but you need to speak to him calmly about how this is making you feel (working late, her texting him etc) and if he considers your feelings he should take that on board. does not mean he is going to cheat though by the way, just cos there is a woman who might like him and you two are rowing, it doesn't mean he will go running straight to her bed. He is your husband and loves you, and not all men are shits!

hi kat,

i wish i could have your faith, i did once! I have spoken to him, in fact at first i didnt speak to him about being late in the context of her, i told him that i didnt mind if he was going to be late but could he try to let me know if he is, so i can tell his eldest whom stands at the window looking for her daddy and asking me where he is. Not only that but he is not the best driver, having had something like 8 bumps in the near 5 years we have been together, and when he is very late i start wondering (panicking) if something might have happened. He then went on to be late another three nights in a row, without texting or phoning (i phoned him in the end) and it took me having an almost melt down for him to go...oh i didnt realise it was so important to you.

It seems like i have to have an absolute fit before it gets through to him that he needs to actually listen to me. and having screaming banshee fits isnt good for my kids to hear (even if they cant see) or for pregnancy, or for the neighbours, or anyone. brick wall anyone?

I can understand why you're linking her and his sudden lack of consideration for you with his being late and not letting you know, especially being pg!

Not sure what to suggest if you've already tried talking to no avail. Do your 'talks' turn into arguments? Would it possibly make things easier if you wrote it down?

they often turn into arguements, because i get so frustrated with his lack of interst in what i am saying. In fact last time he told me to grow up, which was rather hurtful, considering the age thing has never been an issue till now (does it mean every time i have a concern i am being immature???)

I will just show him this thread, i normally do anyways, because i am always honest with him about things online or offline and its not anything i havent told him before anyways.

He just sent me a text saying ' you know whats worse than a guilty man professing his innocence? an innocent man being found guilty'.

I am sorry but I think he is either having an affair (emotional or physical) or is on the cusp of doing so.

I would take this very seriously and see a lawyer and find out what my options are. Just in case.

I hope I am wrong.

WTF!!!!!!.......i think he should just take a step back and think about your needs.
you are preggers with 2 young children to attend to all day. What men dont realise is that we know every trick in the book when it comes to a woman playing games.....she sounds dodgy, but you are doing all the things you shouldn't be.......you are arguing with him about it, and it will only be a matter of time that he starts to confide in her about his "problems".....I think you need to take a step back, address that there is a potential problem, and explain to him calmly that you have some insecurities and you feel that he needs to contribute a little more to the relationship.

same here ggg, something is going on, even if its not actually got going properly yet either that or i am so terrible he cant even be bothered to reassure me properly and work on sorting our relationship.

I think some of it comes down to the age thing again, he has lately found he is losing his hair at 34 and has loads of grey, i think he thinks i will leave him at some point anyways, so perhaps he just decided to 'get in there first' she is 29, much closer in age. or perhaps looking for a confidence booster. i dunno. i have spent most of the morning just miserable, and its all my kids see these days. i cant stand it.

the minute i find he has confided in her about our problems, he is out on his ear. without a moments hesitation.

I was going to suggest showing him this thread. If you screaming at him doesn't get the message across that he needs to stop letting a woman from the office interfere with his relationship and family - maybe seeing it in black and white will help.

I don't begrudge my DP having female friends, from work or elsewhere. When I would start to begrudge it, is when he came home late - not 15 minutes, not half an hour, not even an hour, but two hours late. That's not on. Not when he has a wife who is worried as he hasn't torn himself away from his little distraction to at least text. Not when he has a kid waiting at the window looking for him.

If he hardly knows her as he protests, why is he doing odd jobs for her? Why is he suddenly working days when she is? Why is he only late home when she is around?

It's fishy to hell, and he knows it, as you said - he admitted he would be suspicious if the boot was on the other foot. So why is he still carrying on with this?

If you do show him this - then Mr Saywhat, can I just suggest that instead of hanging around some lech who doesn't insist that you go home to your pregnant wife and children at the end of the day whilst you fritter around for an extra 2 hours, and instead of telling your wife to grow up - why don't you follow your own advice. Come home to your family at the end of the day, and if for some genuine reason you will be late, then show some bloody respect for your wife and her feelings by letting her know.

Attention is flattering, divorce settlements aren't

Yes, there are things that seem off, but we don't know this woman from adam, she may not be a lech, she may seriously just want to be his friend!

If you took this whole situation and made her a male colleague then what would the issue be?
Him being a git and not coming home on time, him not appreciating how shit you feel and how much it worries you when he isn't home etc.

IMO it's these issues that need sorting, and that isn't going to happen by blaming them on some woman, there could be perfectly reasonable conversations going on at work wrt him working on saturday, especially if she too is foreman of a section. I really think deciding he must be having an affair for having a friendship with a woman is the wrong way to deal with it, I'd be more likely to invite her and her fella for dinner or something, though if you're feeling paranoid you could see things that aren't there in the way they interact with each other.

he has never worked saturdays before, he has always said how he never would because he would miss spending time with his kids too much. We dont need extra money, there is absolutely no need for him to work, but he says he wants to show commitment to his boss.

If it was a male colleague, i would be just as furious, but he doesnt fancy men, say he was bisexual, then i would be just as worried. I cant see how you can really relate the situation with a bloke.

I did say about having a barbeque one weekend and inviting his work mates...he wasnt enthusiastic, very strange i foudn that because i get on like a house on fire with his work mates, before i was pregnant they would all come round on friday pay day night and we would have a few drinks and a takeaway.

Of course you can relate the situation to it being a male colleague, if it was a man then yes, you'd still be pissed off but what I'm trying to say is just because he fancies women doesn't mean he fancies this one, nor does her being heterosexual mean she fancies him.

if that was the case though VS, why didnt he just say, oh the new lassie is nice, we are friends? Like i say i hadnt been jeaous before, given him reason to think he couldnt tell me this. I have bloke friends, i wouldnt care if he had female friends, but even now he has never said that, not once, oh we are just friends.

but i know you dont have the answers. wish you did lol.

Actions speak louder than words. If he's not having an affair, and not considering an affair, it won't hurt him to be at home more often, to put your mind at rest, will it? It's not good enough to say you're being paranoid. That's just confusing you more because you don't know if you're going bonkers. If he cares for you, he would be trying to put your mind at rest - not dismissing your fears out of hand.