confused, paranoia, jealously, or good reason?

[saywhat]

You could say DH and i are going through a rather rough patch at the moment (if you count arguing most nights and every weekends as a rough path, i count it really as a god awful near the verge of splitting kind of patch).

It pretty much started with the move to our new house last month..and the start of a lassie joining his all guy team at work.

Bit of background, i have NEVER been the jealous type, hand on heart, never been concerned, but i am 23 now, with nearly 3 pregnancies behind me, and not looking the way i used to, so i am sure that contributes to the fact that i cant seem to stop that so called womens intuition clanging away.

He started being late home from work. It took about 3 nights of shouting and arguing for him to decide that it might be nice to try to let me know if he is going to be over 2 hours late home. He blamed it on traffic, on his boss etc. Maybe how am i meant to know, until i found out all the nights he has been late she has been working. first clang.

Then out of the blue one weekend he said she had asked him to make her a bird table. what? why? I said what so you can go round her house to do it yes? he was like i dont know. I said, she has a bloke doesnt she cant he do it? and you have never even made a bird table in your life so why does she think you can make her one? much scratching of heads. Anyway i told him if he wants to make her one fine...but he does it in work time, not family time (bitchy i know) but in my mind she wasnt asking him to make her a bird table, she was asking him to come to her house and have wild sex (see paranois) the bloke doesnt live with her mind.

so....the lateness carried on, he managed to be home on time 3 times in a row, then i discovered she had been on holiday for three days.

Then i find that she has been texting him regarding work from her personal number, and discover that she actually has a work phone..which she doesnt text him from. so she uses her personal credit to text or phone my husband about work? and i swear to god he looked a bit shifty when i said that was odd.

Husband never texts either, he always phones, so yes i have started checking his phone, knowingly in front of him and no there is never anythign to be found.

so why oh why is my alarm bells ringing. This weekend, i find he has decided to work saturday. How do i find this out? i am lying in bed this morning coughing my guts up and snivelling snot all over the place (sorry) and he says to me, oh i suppose i better say not work saturday now, i havent told stuart anyways. so i sais, well who are you going to say to that you are not working then (confused). He says the lassies name. So i am like, erm, why does she know you are working saturday?? who else knows? noone apparently. WTF? is she working saturday? yes, oh but its not like that.

He left in atemper after i told him to not worry about cancelling his saturday date for his sick pregnant wife and two toddlers. well i was angry and irrational i know.

so whats to be done? something has to be, because this is going to carry on...and on...and on...i should just give him the benefit of the doubt shouldnt i. i wish i could because the rate i am going i may as well phone her and say stand by, a few more weeks of being shouted at and he will be in bed with you for sure

thanks little woman thats exactly hat i told him on the phone earlier, i said its not so much that i believe he definately is up to no good, but more that i cant definately believe he is not, because his actions suggest that he could be as much as he may not be, if you see what i mean.

I also said that if ihadnt got jealous in nearly 5 years together, then something in our reltionship must have changed for me to allow concern like this to become an issue.

He said in more words than this, that he isnt carrying on and that our relationship in his opinion is fine.

we fell out some more again there, because this is always the case, as far as he is cocnerned i am lucky to have him and our relationship is great. He told me last time we rowed that out of our life, me, him and the girls i am always the ONLY one unhappy, that everyone else is fine. Because he thinks this, then he accepts i do feel unhappy with our relationship but doesnt want to or try to understand. just bleats at me that we are fine. I have always put that own to being something to do with the weed, the blatant refusal to understand that if i am unhappy then the relationship ISNT fine.

Also i have started to come round to thinking i am NOT lucky to have him, he may not get abusive, but he is a weed smoker and drinker which makes for a very dull husband, not a talkative, sociable one. he does go out and earn the money, but i set up our debt management plan and make sure the bills are paid each month...i dont think i need him as much as i think i used to, and sadly i dont know if i want him that much these days anymore either

My xh smoked joints every night for 10 years. He gave it up when he left to live with OW. How offensive is that? And, no, I am not boring! He just couldn't handle the monotony of being married with children. He thought he was much too good for me too. He wanted to 'be someone' - fame, all that shizz manizz. Some people just can't handle the fact that reality is actually pretty dull. Low boredom threshold, perhaps?

You're only 23, you have two LO's and a bump. Of course life is not rosy. You must be blardy knackered. It might be his opinion that your relationship is fine, but that's clearly because he has cloth ears. How about you make a deal - you'll ignore the smoking and drinking, if he comes home on time and does something fun with you at night like playing cards or scrabble... just to get some fun time together? Would that help a bit, or not really?

it would help just fine littlewoman, when we were first together the drinking and smoking wasnt an issue because i got a look in too. Now it feels a lot of the time that i only exist when there is nothing better on offer.

I cant believe your ex stopped after ten years with another woman, thats just shocking. I remember my ex fiancee doing similar, but rather, he hated me smoking (normal smoking)made my life miserable for a year going on and on about it (didnt say it was a problem when we first met) then cheated on me and left for NZ with...a smoker!

Well, hopefully he nagged her to death and made her give up too. Maybe he's just a one-man anti-smoking campaign? lol.

It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking you are helpless because you are the one stuck at home and he goes out and socialises at work, in the pub, wherever. You feel at his mercy don't you, because you rely on him for company, and if he chooses someone else over you, that makes you feel boring and unworthy.

Any chance you can get out for a girls' night once the baby is born? You really need a shot of self esteem, I think. You're 23, and you remind me of me when I was 39! You need an ego boost, and he needs a kick up the arse, to remind him that you are a young woman and just because he's used to you and is taking you for granted, that doesn't mean yu are unattractive and dull. Let him see other men still chat you up. That'll make him think.

Familiarity breeds contempt - be unfamiliar! Surprise him somehow.

lol where i live (in the middle of nowhere by the sea) i dont know of there is any other male specimins out there!

I have a girly night already lined up for when baby is born with my SIL whom is promising it will be a night to remember, i cant wait to get out there and have some freedom again. When i do go out i do get a lot of attention (not meaning to be big headed) but my hubby is so laid back he is horizontal, it doesnt bother him.

I do feel very chained to my life, rather than willingly participating with it, and have recently applied to the OU for funding to do a course in counselling, plus i was making sure i was getting out to playgroups etc, but thats all stopped now for the summer holidays up here. In the evenings though i rely on the laptop for company rather than him really.

SW, u really need to talk to DH, to me, this doesnt sound good and id be mighty suspicious aswell. I mean a birdhouse ffs working the same days as her, late home when hes working with her? Id get someone to have your kids and watch where he goes after work.

i dont drive i would have no chance of finding him etc, his job takes him all over the area.

I dont know if he will beome tonight, i may have told him to not bother coming back in the heat of the moment earlier...

i think i am my own worst enemy sometimes.

You are not your own worst enemey at all. His behaviour is your enemey,oh and possibly the tart woman hes talking about.

i obviousley mean enemy

Even if he was carrying on, i doubt i would blame her really, she isnt the married one and i suppose she would be doing me a favour in the long run, who wants to be married to someone whom looks elsewhere when his wife is pregnant?

I am still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt though and i know we need to 'talk' i am just tired of doing just that. I talk, he ignores and thus the circle is complete

Then you get tough. Get on the phone to him right now and tell him to get his arse home because you really need to talk to him. Dont hold back on what you need to say, pushing things under the carpet is never good so get it all out and say what you need to say, If he gets funny then phone your parents and go and stay with them for the weekend, make him see you mean business.

he just text to say he would be home in ten (already an hour late but whats new and i told him not to bother anyways, this time he actually managed a sorry but no reason of course). I cant even be bothered looking at him after the day i have had, so i think i will leave him with the children and go to bed, i havent got the energy nor the enthusiasm to even try talking tonight. I know where it will end up.

Do whatever you think is best, but personally i think you should strike whilst the iron is hot. Good luck with whatever you do though.

with smoking and drinking this indicates he's the type of person who tries to blot out or ignore problems...very very hard to get through to a person like that. Sounds like this woman is just another diversion from his life and problems. Sounds like you need someone else to intervene and counsel him...professional help would be best. Look into your legal rights, money etc in case you need to separate...