Divorce after just 18 months of marriage?

[MBT2026]

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some advice.
I’m 29 and have been married to my husband (39) for 18 months, together nearly 7 years. We live together with our two dogs, no children.
Over the past year, I’ve felt myself emotionally distancing from him and am now considering ending the relationship. From his perspective, everything is probably fine, but I feel very differently.
A big issue is his anger. He’s very easily triggered by small things — people’s manners, driving, everyday situations — and this happens daily. While it’s often directed outward, it regularly impacts me too. If he’s in a bad mood, he’ll ignore me completely, sometimes for an entire evening. If dinner isn’t started or he’s had a bad day, I’ll get the silent treatment or a cold reaction. Even on holiday, there were daily periods where he wouldn’t speak to me due to being in a mood, often something minor like being hungry, which would then escalate into tension between us.
Living like this has made me feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. I started dreading coming home, even after long workdays, because I never knew what version of him I’d get. Over time, this really affected me emotionally.
Because of this, I’ve created distance — focusing on work, keeping to myself, and spending less time with him. I’ve realised I actually feel happier this way, which has made me question the relationship even more.
To complicate things, I’ve met someone at the gym who I have a strong connection with — similar mindset, lifestyle, and mutual attraction. It’s highlighted how different my husband and I are. We don’t really feel physically attracted to each other anymore as we are both attracted to a different body type. Ive worked hard to get myself into prime health & fitness and he will roll his eyes and suggest this is vain and my muscles are manly. Meanwhile he does not do any exercise at all (albeit he is very active with work and gardening), and he drinks every night - I do not drink at all. Our intimacy is very limited, probably once every 6-8 weeks. I find myself feeling very awkward in intimate situations as I think I feel inauthentic. I do not feel attractive and I have no sexual desire for him, so it feels weird almost pretending like we do.
That said, my husband is also a good man in many ways — hardworking, generous, and thoughtful — which makes this decision harder.
I feel torn. Part of me thinks I should try therapy, but another part feels that after only 18 months of marriage, maybe this is a sign we are just not right for each other and we shouldnt be forcing it this early on, especially since both of us will want children soon.
I don’t know if I’m overthinking or avoiding the obvious. I’d really appreciate advice, especially on how to approach a conversation about separation when he likely has no idea I feel this way.

How long have you known the gym friend?

5 months

‘If dinner isn’t started or he’s had a bad day, I’ll get the silent treatment or a cold reaction.‘

How about he makes his own dinner? Prick.

I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation @MBT2026 . What was he like in the years before you got married? It sounds like you aren’t compatible at all and he’s not a very nice person. Is he able to have a conversation about your relationship without getting angry? If not it is probably not worth having the conversation with him. If you think he will listen and be constructive then you can tell him how you are feeling and how
his behaviour is affecting you—but it doesn’t sound like you have an interest in salvaging your marriage, you are not attracted to him. It sounds an awful situation that you are better off out of—but you can’t bring yourself to go through the unpleasantness of telling him.
Things need to change (for you, at least). There’s no easy or nice way of doing it. I wish you the strength to go through with what you need to do. Just make sure you are doing this for YOU, and not the guy at the gym.

Yeah, don't bring kids into this.

You're only 29, he has emotionally abusive behaviours, your head's been turned ... cut your losses, split up.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Your husband is abusive and that is also why you’re walking on eggshells . His silent treatment towards you is an example of emotional abuse. Over time too you have likely adapted some of your behaviour in a vain attempt as to not set him off.

How exactly is he thoughtful and or generous to you?. I see no real evidence of either in your post and indeed he remains volatile whilst showing you the nice/nasty continuous cycle of abuse.

He does not act like this around his work colleagues does he?. No this is reserved for you and others that he feels slight him.

If you read the article entitled The Loser by Dr Joe Carver he could well be describing your current husband.

Do not ever have children by him. He is not father material. He’s also drinking every night: yet another potential red flag re children, do you think he is developing a drink problem?. However you are not responsible for him snd have never been either.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Abuse is not a relationship problem and you are not a rehab centre for a badly raised man.

The person at the gym is a reminder that you can and should be treated decently by a man. He is not the answer and you need to be on your own until your boundaries are a lot healthier than they are now.

Men like your H can and do damage boundaries and yours have certainly been damaged by him. I would seriously consider if this is indeed a marriage you went to stay in. Consider contacting Women’s Aid snd seek legal advice re all aspects of divorcing him.

Gosh it’s a no brainer really. Find someone who appreciates you and who is nice to you to be the father of your children. The sooner you cut your losses the better.

I am wondering also if he targeted you deliberately given the age gap. He was 32 to you being 22 when you met.

What do you know about his own family having because that often gives clues.

I think you know deep down he is not treating you well at all, and you will be happier without him. Walking on eggshells and having to think about his every reaction is no way to live.
The silent treatment is a really controlling, horrible form of his “punishment” for you.

You come across as articulate and someone who can see him for what he is, and that you aren’t compatible anymore.

Move on OP, and don’t look back, you deserve much better. Good luck to you.

Leave now while you still can and aren’t trodden down and have ptsd fro living with his abusive narcism

And re how to approach this with him, use what you’ve written in your OP as a starter, that because of how he is emotionally, you are no longer in love with him, or wish to be with him.

Don’t be railroaded into staying by promises of how he’ll change, and never knew you felt this way, as a decent man would never have treated you like this in the first place, so don’t stay and let him try to fix things. He won’t change. That’s for sure. And I could never 100% love someone who has treated me so badly. He’s emotionally abusive, that’s all the reason you need not to stay,

What happens when you tell him how you feel? Is there any chance he’ll listen?

Honestly, the fact you have no kids makes this far more straightforward. Still very difficult emotionally but much easier to break away.

Do not factor the man at the gym into this situation. Keep it completely separate and don’t act on anything until you’re single.

When we first met, there were sparks between us. His business was doing well, he was nothing but kind, generous & fun. We would have a fun social life but be balanced with fitness too. He loved exercising. Then covid hit and business was hard for him. That caused a downward spiral on his moods. I then became a Personal Trainer and started bettering myself. I feel like I am my most authentic self when I am at work, and when I come home, I have to be someone else to some extent.

I do recognise that the moods are emotional abuse and I always told myself if it was the same in a year i would leave. BUT now I distanced myself from him, there are less moods & he is being nicer and more caring. I think he can detect that I've pulled away slightly but probably just thinks it is because I am busy with work.

What is making it hard for me is the fact that this part of his personality has changed a bit recently, however after having it for so long, my desire for him has left the building. I would rather it be an easy choice where i have a strong passion for him that makes me want to stay, or life at home is so unbearable I need to go. But it is neither of those. I am in a grey area where I am actually okay (probably because of me doing me) but there is no chemistry anymore for me at least, and I miss that. And then I wonder, is it as bad as it seems or am I convincing myself it is because of the man from the gym. Or is the fact I have strong feelings for someone else a big enough indication that I should not be married?

He will definitely listen to me if I tell him how I feel. As long as it didnt come about during an argument, I think he would be receptive. But then what happens if he does change & treats me better and life is nice.. but I am not sexually attracted to him. Since I have only been married 18 months, I don't have experience on how important this is for longevity..

He probably does sense you pulling away. His change in behaviour is for his benefit not yours. He needs to reel you back in and he can't do that with the same behaviour that caused you to distance yourself.

I don't think it matters how long you've been married. If you're done, you're done. You're only 29, that's way too young to be settling for this. You have time to meet someone else and have a family if that's what you'd like.

You say the spark has gone but it's not so unbearable that leaving is an easy decision. You're in the worst position with that. This the dead zone people spend/waste too much time in. While you're waiting for it to get bad enough to leave, time is slipping away.

Tell him you’re thinking of leaving him and why. What have you got to lose?

He also has time to meet someone else. Him back exercising and a visit to the GP -and he may be back to the 2019 man you fell for

So he was 32 and you were 22 when you got together? Honestly sounds like you've grown apart. Also wondering if you subconsciously might be looking at 22 year olds yourself and wondering why he didnt want a woman his own age tbh.
( know someone will come along and say theyve been happily married to their husband of 30 years and got married when they were 19 and 45 and they were the one who initiated etc but when I was 29, 22 year olds seemed VERY young...)

You absolutely cannot have children with a man who is quick to anger. If he’s unbearable to be around because someone doesn’t indicate or lets a door close on him, imagine how he’d be with a toddler who spills something, throws something at him or a five year old who says they won’t do what he wants. If you’re not attracted to him now, you’ll fucking hate him when he acts like this to your children.

Are you having an affair with this gym man and / or are you intending to leave your husband for him?

Based on what you've said OP I think I'd be cutting my losses if I were you.

I am not having an affair with the gym man. I admit we do talk on text far too often and the level of friendliness of conversation is inappropriate on my part. The gym man is fairly inaccessible. He works abroad and will be for the next 3-6 years which only brief visits back. However he has told me how much he likes me and I do think he would want to try some sort of relationship. I have not indicated I have those feelings for him even if it may be obvious given my responses. I would not physically cheat, even if in my head I am emotionally cheating. I recognise that this makes me the worst person in the relationship. But honestly, at this point I have little guilt. The days where I have felt so low, I have finally realised now what I am yearning for, and I dont know if I would have had the courage to explore the idea if it wasnt for the gym man. I think I might have just settled with my feelings of displeasure because I could not remember what it really felt like to be desired and respected in that way.

Oh god go. You are too young to be this miserable. He sounds horrible.

And forget gym man. He is an emotional crutch right now as you’re not happy in your relationship.

Have some therapy and try and work out why you decided you husband was the right man in the first place. There will be something about these qualities that you listed that provably satisfied something inside you. Maybe a need for stability at a time where that was lacking or perhaps it will link back to your childhood. You need to figure it out or else you’ll leave your marriage and get straight into another relationship with another unsuitable person.

I left my husband at your age after about a year married. I shouldn't have married him, but I didn't have good advice in the 90s. I wasn't attracted to him, he didn't show me any affection but he wasn't terrible. When he realised I was going to leave, he started to make much more effort, and this actually made me really cross, because it gave me less outward justification for leaving him.
But I did leave him and I have never once regretted it.

End the marriage. He is horribly abusive.