Is the economy really that bad or is my husband just incompetent?

[Zen81]

Hi, I recently posted about wanting to divorce my husband of 20 years. He has managed to work 11 yrs sporadically out of 20 and he somehow always manages to blame the economy (credit crunch, pandemic, recent wars, austerity ,AI) for the reason why it’s so hard for him to find work.

Our 10yr old dd said that he had told her the economy is currently worse than the credit crunch and pandemic put together, as the reason for him not finding work. He lost his job in Jan, a few days after I went back to work after major surgery. I have since shut down emotionally in this marriage and struggling to engage in any conversation. I think I have mentally checked out and just holding on until my dd does her 11+ in Sept. I’m fortunate enough to afford therapy twice a month and I’m now preparing to leave. I am exhausted doing the heavy lifting in this marriage. Am I being unreasonable with his excuses. I know a few other people out of work, but I suspect there is something else very wrong here. He’s refused a possible autism diagnosis as therapist suggested he may be neurodivergent (he’s so anxious and burnt out just looking for work). I said to dd to look at her classmates and ask herself how many of their parents/carers are out of work. She said she couldn’t think of anyone. He won’t do minimum wage jobs as he feels he’s above these - this frustrates the hell out of me, but he’ll regularly comment on how all the stupid people keep getting jobs and doesn’t understand why he’s being overlooked.

I’m grey rocking at the moment and find it very hard, especially as I’m trying to maintain some sort of a stable environment for my dd to do her 11+. How does someone start to detangle from a long term marriage?

It sounds like you already are detangling.

I think getting some legal advice would be a good next step, as you feel you have already emotionally detached.

I would say does he know the expectation. Not as ultimatum of getting a job or you leave, but more you can’t keep supporting him indefinitely when he won’t contribute.

The job market is pretty bad but it hasn’t been like that for 11 years… Also as you say, there are other jobs available.

Yes, your husband really is that incompetent. And a good-for-nothing layabout. I despise people who turn their noses up at work when it is available, just because they think they are too good for a minimum wage job.

The job market is crap yes, but even I (20 years out of the workplace with DC and with no qualifications/clear career path before that) have managed to pick up a couple of cleaning jobs. Yes it's 'only' cleaning (which it actually turns out I love, who knew!) but my family needed me to step up and bring some money in so that's what I've done. I'm autistic so it's been bloody hard, all the changes to routine, having to be 'social' with colleagues, public transport when I hadn't used it in decades and just pushing myself right out of my comfort zone but it's what you do for your family, or should be.

I don't know how you begin disentangling OP but I don't blame you one bit for feeling you must, he's letting you and DC down massively and has been for a long time.

Presumably he knows that it's easier to get a job when you have a job...and wouldn't he want any job rather than none so he can support his family.

I would.

Sorry @Notanotherusername2626 I quoted the wrong poster 🙃

So what jobs would he do?

During Covid 😂

Several people I know managed to pick up work in supermarkets, hospitals and care homes and more than doubled their income that year!

(Annoyingly for me i wasn't furloughed or would have joined them).

I was made redundant in covid and found a job during that time
credit crunch etc I’ve always remained employed
I’d do any job to support my family
your DH is a lazy fucker

OP, continue your planning, you owe him nothing.
You will be fine, its over.
Continued focus on your daughter, even a one bedroom flat initially, just to get you out of this situation.

It sounds like some kind of disability or issue that hasn't been properly addressed. He has to actually want to address it and do something about it though

Well the idle fucker would have to get his arse to a job (and minimum wage at that) if you weren’t supporting him, so Yabu to passively do that for eleven years!

You have a plan. September.

You’ll be spending Christmas apart from this abject loser. Keep that pleasant thought in mind when you feel low.

Make sure you take legal advice before September and keep on top of finances. Play your cards close to your chest.

I’d squirrel money away from my salary if possible too, although the legal opinion about that would not be favourable I’m sure. I’d still risk it though 🤷‍♀️ . The gloves would be off.

You have started to detangle. I would be actively getting the divorce underway as that takes 6 months minimum

Your marriage needs to end, but I would engage with him to encourage him to get another job. You need him in work to be able to claim maintenance and make sure your settlement is what you deserve it to be.

Thank you all soo much for your honesty and confirming how I’ve felt for a long time. I told him a a few years ago that for this marriage to work he needs to be in work. I don’t care what that work is. He knew I don’t get paid sick so a year ago I told him he needs to be in a job before I have my elective total hysterectomy - (a whole other story as he kept blaming my mood swings on perimenopause for years so I finally thought maybe it’s me), he found work a few months before I went in and didn’t make it through probation. 2 days after I went back to work he was let go (that was in Jan). Absolutely sick of it.

I’m new here so thanks all for being so kind.

Why did he not make it through the probation period? They can be hard to get through

Just out of curiosity, do you own or rent your home? Just worried that if he's been out of work for so long he might try to a) get a bigger split of the assets because he's 'financially dependent on you' or b) go for more custody of your daughter because he's 'primary carer'

DH and I work in two of the most volatile industries there are. Think discretionary services, hugely competitive, mainly owned by US corps, impacted by tech / AI, frequent reduncancies, loads of young people wanting to work in the sectors for cheap. DH also has a chronic illness and we have kids. We have never been short of work despite redundancies and freelance contracts and we have doubled our HH income in past 12 months through job moves. It's not been easy but we have to do it to survive - no inheritances forthcoming, no-one else to pay the mortgage.

Yes, the economy and job market are tough. You have to be tougher.

I really hope you can find a way to separate from this guy.

The job market is really quite horrific at the moment.

However 11/20 years for being out of work (health issues aside) is a pretty shocking ratio and I agree something must be behind that.

I think you are doing all the right things, detaching, seeking therapy etc.
Next stop solicitor to understand all your options.

”I said to dd to look at her classmates and ask herself how many of their parents/carers are out of work. ”

I came to write this post though about your daughter who is doing 11+. I have a DD similar age (also did 11+ etc) and gently, I feel very strongly that you should stop having conversations about what is going on with your DH with your daughter.

You need to find adult support for adult related matters and not get into information disclosures and / or discussions about your marriage / husband’s unemployment with a young DD who likely loves both her parents and may feel forced to pick sides, or a DD who is under some pressure preparing for exams, or DD who is not emotionally mature enough yet to have these heavy, adult conversations.

Asking her to compare her dad to
other family set ups may make her feel very worried or unsafe. At 10 she shouldn’t have to carry that.

I hope everything works out for you and that you manage to navigate the situation with a minimum of pain and distress. Best of luck to your daughter with her exams.

@UpDownAllAround1he didn’t make it through as he had sick days due to stress on top of the compassionate leave they kindly gave him when I had surgery. He kept saying he’s been set up to fail and that his boss was “gaslighting” him. He’s used this one throughout all the jobs I’ve know him to have. He basically wasn’t performing well.

@Littlebitpsycho
we are very fortunate to be mortgage free at 47. His parents passed away a few years back and were able to pay off with inheritance. I believe he feels he’s done his bit and can sit back. But we still have bills and everything else to pay for. We don’t go on holidays as he’s forever out of work. I have a few health issues and still manage to work while he’s stressed and always ‘tired from applying for jobs’.

I’m very fortunate that we will have enough equity to split and start again. I know a lot of women aren’t which makes me sad. I now understand why so may couples remain together even when they are miserable. I will still aim to split 50/50 and try and have dd most of the time. I’ve been told I should go for more, but I’m not sure the courts will allow it as he’s been out of work. I hope he manages to find work for his sake by Sept.

He may want to try to claim more than 50% on divorce due to the inheritance used to pay off the main marital asset. It is not clear cut re mingling of funds but he may want a bigger share when solicitors get involved

It's called Bone Idle Syndrome.

The labour market is tough, but probably not as bad as in past recessions. But it will only get tougher as someone ages and has patchy work experience. So things will not get better.

Tell the court that he refuses to consider doing minimum wage jobs because he thinks he is above them, and that his lack of employment is deliberate.

What industry is he in?

It’s not great that you are both involving your ten year old in these conversations.

This is what supermarket gift cards were invented for... Just store them carefully and note expiry dates...