Is the economy really that bad or is my husband just incompetent?

[Zen81]

Hi, I recently posted about wanting to divorce my husband of 20 years. He has managed to work 11 yrs sporadically out of 20 and he somehow always manages to blame the economy (credit crunch, pandemic, recent wars, austerity ,AI) for the reason why it’s so hard for him to find work.

Our 10yr old dd said that he had told her the economy is currently worse than the credit crunch and pandemic put together, as the reason for him not finding work. He lost his job in Jan, a few days after I went back to work after major surgery. I have since shut down emotionally in this marriage and struggling to engage in any conversation. I think I have mentally checked out and just holding on until my dd does her 11+ in Sept. I’m fortunate enough to afford therapy twice a month and I’m now preparing to leave. I am exhausted doing the heavy lifting in this marriage. Am I being unreasonable with his excuses. I know a few other people out of work, but I suspect there is something else very wrong here. He’s refused a possible autism diagnosis as therapist suggested he may be neurodivergent (he’s so anxious and burnt out just looking for work). I said to dd to look at her classmates and ask herself how many of their parents/carers are out of work. She said she couldn’t think of anyone. He won’t do minimum wage jobs as he feels he’s above these - this frustrates the hell out of me, but he’ll regularly comment on how all the stupid people keep getting jobs and doesn’t understand why he’s being overlooked.

I’m grey rocking at the moment and find it very hard, especially as I’m trying to maintain some sort of a stable environment for my dd to do her 11+. How does someone start to detangle from a long term marriage?

😅👍 Ya, It's not OP's job either to carry all the weight. He's not her child

Your husband is just a Grifter who doesn’t want to work but will live off your coin. To claim he is too good for a minimum wage job is height of arrogance and an insult to those people who are working MW to support family

He won’t do minimum wage jobs as he feels he’s above these

Then you have your answer to the question in the title of this thread.

It’s not so much incompetence as wilful disengagement.

I know some people will Absolutely say you shouldn't do this but I agree with the previous comment about buying supermarket gift cards and stashing them. Or taking cash back when you're shopping and building a buffer of cash that you can hide or leave with a very trusted friend.

It’s the first I’ve heard about supermarket gift cards. Have no idea how this works. Won’t they expire by the time the full divorce and house sale completes (I’m hoping by this time next year), so have got a full year??

2 years sainsbugs.

He's incompetent

The thing that stands out for me is the terrible example he’s setting for your children. He’s handing down a victim mentality.

Tell the court that he refuses to consider doing minimum wage jobs because he thinks he is above them, and that his lack of employment is deliberate.

At a friend's financial hearing the judge told her cocklodger stbxh to get off his arse and get a job at B&Q.

I think you DH is rubbish, but I don’t think you should be encouraging your child to look down on him

You are absolutely not unreasonable OP. Take care.

He’s incompetent and lazy and selfish.

I’ve been gainfully employed all my adult life. Except in February I quit my high paying job as the 3-hour daily commute was killing me.
Although we are financially ok on my DH’s wage I have been applying and interviewing like crazy and looks like an offer is coming this week. So will have had six weeks out of the workforce and that alone is stressing me enough.
Eleven years is beyond the pale, honestly.
Your DH is incompetent and I could not continue with him. He needs to help to provide for your family.

I think you need to get out of this relationship.... Waiting until September could be doing your daughter more harm than good. she is already being exposed to the bitterness between you.
My heart goes out to you - you must be ready to explode. xx

Does it matter. I had a similar exH with a chequered work pattern. You don’t need a reason to end it. But different views to finances and responsibility is enough of a reason. Not wanting to feel you have a child / dependent instead of a partner is good enough reason. Not wanting to carry the other person when you don’t get the same help when you need it is good enough reason. Whether it’s hard to get a job at this particular moment isn’t why you want to leave. I spent years making excuses but it was when I realised this was a pattern that kept repeating itself I had enough.
Honestly I was happy to be on my own and have financial control back over my life. I think you’ve probably done your grieving for your marriage already. I think it will feel like putting down a heavy weight.
Perhaps go away on holiday with just your dd or visit family over summer to detach / adjust and avoid the home situation. Build new memories.
There will be things you’ve maybe lost confidence in doing if you’ve been married a long time and had different roles - eg I hadn’t driven abroad for years or done diy as ex always wanted to do these so i did feel deskilled in some things but also a sense of accomplishment when you do it. So push yourself to be more self sufficient and out of your comfort zone between now and leaving.
And stop putting yourself last - it’s hard to get out of that habit when you’ve been with someone who has been happy to let you do this.

@Retro12you’re right I am ready to explode, but really have to keep a steady environment for my dd. I exploded when he packed his job in a few years back and it really traumatised my dd seeing us argue like that. I can’t do that again to her, so just don’t say anything anymore. 20yrs of talking and trying to help have not worked.

@Grumpyeeyorethank you so much for your kind words. I had lost a lot of confidence during perimenopause, but have always been the one doing all the heavy lifting including all the diy/gardening etc. He sticks to simpler tasks like laundry, dishes and ironing.

Since the hysterectomy and finally realising this is over, I have been doing a lot more for myself and will certainly be taking dd on a staycation this summer. He never wants to go anywhere, but then sulks when I do things without him.