Ex dragging out divorce while acting as though nothing has changed

[Butheneverhitme]

Applied for divorce two years ago.

Since then he has dragged his feet at every single stage. Refuses to engage with my solicitor, I have to get process servers out for every single document because he just ignores them.

Went to court re financial settlement, he hasn't prepared, represented himself, judge fined him.

Since then nothing. It's like trying to push a boulder up hill. He won't discuss it in any way shape or form. He refuses to leave the house (joint owners so there is nothing I can do).

Solicitor says she is still waiting for documents.

This week he bought a load of plants and this morning he said he was going to plant them out and his they would look lovely next summer.

I'm gobsmacked. I don't care how hard it is to force it (well, I do, it's breaking me), but he seems totally in denial/utterly deluded.

Just to emphasise, he won't discuss the divorce or anything. I confronted him with a list of messages and photos from his girlfriend and he actually ignored them.

His social media is locked down from family but it didn't stop a family friend sending a screenshot this week. There's photos of his girlfriend and him at a work function.

I feel so disrespected and powerless.

He’s financially abusing you because he knows that the process servers, extra solicitors’ letters etc are costing you money. By any chance, did you get nd the marriage? It’s an immature way to get revenge

Hopefully in the final settlement the judgment will reflect his contempt of court.

in the meantime, stay strong. He’s trying to wear you down but you will beat him eventually.

If you’re in the court process already a) his conduct can be reflected in final award b) if necessary judge can make occupation order/force sale once proceedings are completed. Ask your solicitor what enforcement powers she’d suggest you apply for.

Is the house up for sale? What is there left to do? I would not engage with him at all except perhaps to discuss any childcare arrangements. Otherwise, don't discuss the divorce with him at all and ask your solicitor what they can do to force/expedite the next steps. He is trying to wind you up and get to you so don't give him the satisfaction. Play the long game and remind yourself he'll be out of your life soon - in the meantime completely blank him.

Thanks everyone.

There is sheds more to do.

I cannot put the house up for sale because we are joint owners.

I can't force him to move out.

He's paying half of what I do into the joint account. Gets angry if I ask for more and refuses.

I'm furious because he asked our 20 year old for a loan.

We've got the conditional order, that's it. He's refusing to engage with the financial disclosure- he submitted the paperwork but it was immediately obvious that he's been funnelling off money elsewhere and they have asked him to explain it - dead silence.

I have to get a process server for absolutely everything.

I cant afford to rent and pay the mortgage. Definitely can't afford to buy another house until this one is sold.

I feel so trapped. Our children are adults and teenagers and just have disdain for him.

I'm seriously thinking about scooping up the kids and running away.

Definitely don't need forensic accountant by the way. He's not that bright.

Yes, I did end it.

Hopeful bump.

Gosh I'm so sorry for you OP, what a nightmare. I think you should contact Women's Aid as they are very experienced with this sort of abuse and stone walling.
Also, the flowers... you do realise he's doing that on purpose, to wind you up? It's planned. It's emotional abuse. If you haven't already watch some you tibe videos on narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse and financial abuse.

That hasn't struck me @whatisheupto but you might well be right. Thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated.

Start reading the Relationship board on here. I think it will help you to recognise behaviour and patterns and equip you well to deal with this. Don't trust anything he says. Don't tell him anything. Keep your cards close to your chest. Keep notes on his behaviour, videos and voice recordings if you can, obviously be careful to keep them hidden and safe. They might be useful as evidence.
Definitely speak to Women's Aid... and maybe Citizens Advice.

Also look at the EntitledTo website for what benefits you might be entitled to as a single mum with children. You can use the calculator to get an idea.
Make sure he can't access your phone!

Have you investigated him having to pay all legal costs due to his refusal to engage?

divorce should have happened by now after 2 years even if DH not replied to paperwork. What is preventing it?

What would happen if you matched his contribution to bills? So paid the utilities etc then let the mortgage default? It sounds as though he’s got what he wants at the moment. A girlfriend, a wife paying the bills while he hides money away, a sense of control.
Is there anything more you can do to make his life more uncomfortable?

Have you tried asking his girlfriend why he isn’t engaging with the divorce? That might get things moving!

It’s petty but become really annoying to live with

He’s probably replying just enough to avoid triggering the not-replying procedures.

I agree with PP that painting this picture for his new girlfriend is probably a good way to force the issue.

I've thought about letting the mortgage default just to escape from him. It would be worth it.

I can't carry on like this. I'm in debt just trying to keep up with all my obligations and he refuses to discuss or change things.

I'm leaving my job. If he stops seeing me as a cash cow he will leave me. This is unsustainable and I can't do it. (Not the only reason).

A woman who is happy to go out with a man still living with his wife is unlikely to be helpful!

But shame of some sort definitely.

Why are you leaving your job? To do what? Don’t let him bully you into doing this - you’ll regret it potentially.
sounds like an awful situation. Be glad he has a girlfriend…hoped she will become impatient with the situation and push him to resolve matters.

My ex was dragging out our divorce and seemed quite happy to keep going to court and not disclosing this that and the other.

Then I got a barrister. She got things sorted for me and was incredible value for money compared to any of the solicitors I'd used.

If he's not complying w Court Orders, you apply for a penal notice.

Can you get a big burly bf and start havinghim over for noisy sex sessions? That might see your ex off.

Make life difficult for him.

It's a horrible situation to be in. X

The divorce is completely separate to the finances. You shouldn't get divorced without a FCO in place.

OP, when my ex refused to engage with the financial disputes resolution, it went to a hearing and a judge decreed who should get what. (This was some time back, though.) Is it your petition, and do you have a decree nisi? Can you push your solicitors to find out what’s holding things up? You can apply for a decree absolute six weeks and one day after the decree nisi, but you need the financial agreement in place first. (My dear ex dragged it out for about ten months, much to the disgust of the judge who finally granted it.)

Don’t give up now! Get a second legal opinion, at least.

This sounds horrendous, Op. But why are you leaving your job?