Ex dragging out divorce while acting as though nothing has changed

[Butheneverhitme]

Applied for divorce two years ago.

Since then he has dragged his feet at every single stage. Refuses to engage with my solicitor, I have to get process servers out for every single document because he just ignores them.

Went to court re financial settlement, he hasn't prepared, represented himself, judge fined him.

Since then nothing. It's like trying to push a boulder up hill. He won't discuss it in any way shape or form. He refuses to leave the house (joint owners so there is nothing I can do).

Solicitor says she is still waiting for documents.

This week he bought a load of plants and this morning he said he was going to plant them out and his they would look lovely next summer.

I'm gobsmacked. I don't care how hard it is to force it (well, I do, it's breaking me), but he seems totally in denial/utterly deluded.

Just to emphasise, he won't discuss the divorce or anything. I confronted him with a list of messages and photos from his girlfriend and he actually ignored them.

His social media is locked down from family but it didn't stop a family friend sending a screenshot this week. There's photos of his girlfriend and him at a work function.

I feel so disrespected and powerless.

Because he can't lean on me to pay for everything. It would force him to think I'm not worth it and finish everything.

I just CAN'T take this anymore. I can't take:

The obvious dating of other women

The fact that he's horrible to me and the children

He had totally checked out of family life. Won't even eat with us.

Constantly on eggshells

He ignores me.

I'm getting into so much debt trying to keep up with the bills.

I've got to inform my manager one way or the other at 12.

Help. Please. I rang women's aid, was on hold for an hour and then in cut me off.

Don’t quit your job. Hang on in there!! x

Won't even eat with us.

You're not cooking for him and plating up a meal so he can eat elsewhere are you?

I’m facing a similar problem, I’ve had to also get the severs in, everything is ignored. One minute he’s acts pleasant the next I’m called all sorts of vile names, tells the kids terrible things about me.
I can’t offer an advice, just understanding, I constantly feel in a state of anxiety and am suffering panic attacks, I’ve had suicidal thoughts because I feel like he’ll never ‘let’ me go. You’re stuck in limbo, i understand you wanting to leave your job, but it may be better to stick with it for now, it’s good to have your own money and work can be an escape and give your mind something else to think about.
The judge can force the sale of the house eventually, this isn’t a permanent situation, that’s what I tell myself! It is an incredibly difficult situation to be living in.

You’ve come so far @Butheneverhitme don't give up! If you quit your job then you will be in even more debt.
You yourself said he’s not that clever, he is afraid of his finances being looked at because he’s funnelling money away and he will be found out. Has he any paperwork in the house, bank statements etc? If you can get your hands on any then photocopy them and hide them in a safe place like at work. Keep it quiet from STBEXH and DC.
Email him detailing that you can’t afford to match his half of bills because you are paying for everything the children need and are getting into debt. That his refusal to engage with any conversations regarding the younger DC need of school uniforms etc and expectations of you paying the full amount is unsustainable on your wages.
List all and any financial abuse.
He most likely will ignore the email but you will have it in your sent folder in case you can use it against him.
Keep trying to get through to Woman’s Aid and as your walking on eggshells is he being abusive? If he gets aggressive towards you or DC call the police. Every time!
Go to the Drs explain your situation and ask for help with your MH, they may refer you to a therapist.
Your youngest is a teen, are they still in school? Has their behaviour changed and school have been in touch? If so I would speak to school and explain and ask if they can offer advice or help for your teen.

you should be able to get a court order to sell the house

Thanks everyone.

@Bringbackbuffy you are right, but I started the ball rolling 2.5 years ago and we are still not near that point. It all takes such a long time, they have to send document, reminder letter, then process server.

For. Each. Damn. Document. It's costing me a fortune.

Then add the complication of us being a military family so they don't count the time of he is deployed.

I've decided to stay in my job, like PP said, it would just be more debt. But I can't live like this, I just can't, I've done it for so long.

I'm going to view rental properties this afternoon

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts. I haven't really got anyone to talk to.

@Butheneverhitme id find a rental property move out and stop paying the mortgage .
You will still be entitled to your half.
Then if he drags things on he will
be the one with the financial problems .
He could ask for more from the house but you fight that as he has been ignoring correspondence and abusing you. .

How are you living together if he is military? Can you speak to the families office or Saafa?

The house could well be repossessed for non payment, so please don’t do this.

OP this is horrendous but it can’t go on forever. What is the legal situation? If you haven’t got a court date for the court to decide your financial split what are the solicitors doing? Im not suggesting they do more- paying them to write to a non responsive party is a massive waste of money- but can you find out how close you are to being able to get a court date and then sort that yourself? You can fill out one forms asking the court to decide yourself. He will have to show then.

I disagree with other posters re women’s aid citizens advice etc- yes he’s abusing you but it doesn’t matter. The only way out is getting the court to order a financial split and the house to be sold. That’s a legal process

Don’t leave the house OP! That will give him even more control of the sale process! I’d be looking into getting a new lawyer to put pressure on him to participate / force through the sale!

There is just no point paying a solicitor to do that. Only a court can order the sale and he’ll know that. But after 2.5 years OP should be at that stage really

Can you speak to his CO? Also don't forget that military pensions are a bit more complicated and pay out sooner so allow for that in any calculations.

Can you informally sublet - the driveway for parking? Living room for parties, or a local band rehearsal? Bin his favorite foods, disappear his beer, wine. Stain his clothes in little accidental ways - a smear of melted chocolate, play music v loud for an hour a night, invite people around?

"He had totally checked out of family life. Won't even eat with us."

What does this mean? Why would he eat with you? You're not still doing things for him are you?

@Gonk123 good idea about Saafa, I didn't think.

I know, I know, everyone tells me to stay in the house but I'm actually at the point where I would gladly sign over the entire damn thing to him if I could just get me and the kids away. The house isn't worth traumatised kids and my trashed mental health, everyone tells me how important it is to stay but I'm in a cage with everyone telling me to stay locked in.

Should I change solicitor or can I do it myself (zero experience)?

I think a feisty female solicitor is a good option. I have had both male and female and I find females just have that extra ‘bite’ in all honesty. If you feel you can get to grips with doing it yourself then go for it. Doesn’t seem like who you currently have is doing much good.
don’t give up your house, you will regret it and long term all of this will hopefully work in your favour.
like I said, hopefully eventually his current girlfriend will push him into action - can you imagine being with a bloke stuck in the past and unwilling to separate properly from his wife?
I hope saafa will help and turn out to be a useful avenue for you.