Lots of you will know about my slightly odd family situation & be bored to tears of it, but want to know how outsiders would react if my dad was their dad.

[Pinkchampagne]

He threatened to have nothing more to do with me if I went ahead with my marriage separation, but 2 years on he hasn't washed his hands of me. However, he absolutely won't welcome my new boyfriend (we have been together 10 months now) into the family & doesn't even want to hear of his existense. He also has a very strong friendship with ex H, and ex H is always round my parents house doing jobs for them or going out for drinks with my dad.

I don't often visit my parents now, but I did go round last Sunday to give him his bits for Father's day, and ex H also went round with the boys.
I felt very uncomfortable. We get on ok - probably better than we did before we separated - but I don't want to be round my parents with my ex as it isn't right & feeds my dad's denial. I also feel it is so wrong that my DP isn't welcomed into the family, yet there I was round my parents with my ex husband!

Mum is coming round, and although she can't invite my DP round, she has started trying to talk to dad.
I had another big chat with her on Sunday & said how horrible it was that DP isn't welcomed by them, and how it must get to him a bit, especially knowing dad won't let go of my ex. She seemed to listen & said she would get through to dad in the end, but that he is just stubborn.

Spoke to her Monday, and she said that dad won't budge at all, saying he told me things would change if I went through with the separation & they have. He said we laid our cards on the table that day, and I warned her.
Mum said that my DP was a nice bloke & that we had now been together 10 months, and to this he said "My mother had so called nice men - this will probably be the first of a string of men!"

I haven't seen him since & right now, I don't feel I want to. I do love him & the thought of totally losing him is very upsetting. I know he loves me too, but he is pushing me away. I don't want to go round & see him because there is a good chance I will walk away upset.
I can't have him destroy my new relationship. My new DP is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

What would you do if you were me? Would you totally cut off ties?
The thought is so upsetting, but I just can't see anything changing.

Soudsn liek eh has unresolved issues form his mother's behaviour. You donlt need ot cut off ties as such just accpet that the current situation will prevail until he chanegs his mind , you cannot influence it. One day your ex may move on and he'll be the lonely one.

I'm sorry to hear this PC. Have you ever sat down with your Dad and told him all the reasons that you had to leave EXH?

If you have and he still won't see your point then I think I would cut ties. Give him some room without you in his life (and wait until your EX has got a new GF) and he might see sense. If not, you haven't lost anything bcause he isn't being a fther to you right now anyway.

Those of you that have read some of my previous posts will know this type of behaviour has been going on for a while. I am getting worn down now, and just can't see an end to it.

Oh pc

You know your dad is wrong dont you? Of course you do, but he is also your dad, and that is why you havent told him to do one a long time ago.

If you dont want to cut ties with him , because it would mean losing your mum, then all i can suggest is you just dont have any direct contact with him, but make sure he is aware that you are going to live the life you want with the man you want, and his stubborness is not going to ruin that for you.

You are lovely pc, you had a horrible time, and you are happy again, there is absolutely noone who has any right to try to spoil that, family ties or not.

I have tried & tried, DDF, and get nowhere fast. He thinks ex H deserves a medal for putting up with me!

Does he realise that he could actually lose a daughter/grandchildren because of his misplaced loyalty?

I have for different reasons virtually cut all ties with my parents, I am much happier & more emotionally stable now. If I were you I'd make the most of your relationship with your Mum and leave your Dad to it. Your Dad is trying to bully you and he is acting out his childhood issues onto you.

Your dp does sound really good for you so continue to put your efforts into those relationships with the people that really love you - your dc, your dp, your friends and your Mum.

im so sorry pc that things havent got better,but glad to hear things are going well with dp

Then I guess you could just turn up with your new partner one day (if he's agreeable to perhaps being asked to leave) and introduce him.
Or you could let things rll along how they are now but never attend any family events because he won't allow your new man to accompany you.

I'm sorry pinkchampagne but i think the ball's in his court now. Am i right in thinking your ex was - if not physically abusive - then very manipulative and emotionally damaging for you? Apologies if I've got that wrong.

I would just leave things be, tbh. Let him come to you. Maybe discuss with your mum how much his comments hurt you, if you know it will get back to him.

If you can't let him go like that, then why not write a letter to him telling him exactly how upset you are by him, that you are not his mother, and nor are you responsible for her behaviour. I agree with LIZS - i think he has some unresolved ishoos, but at the end of the day that's not your problem!

Sorry if i sound harsh but i know this situation has been going on for ages - i knew this was going to be your thread!!

I would leave him to it. I'm afraid any more attempts to get him on side might reinforce his (barking) ideas that you are in the wrong and he is in the right. You've done marvellously, managed your split with your ex, found a new and stable relationship, so be proud of yourself and stand your ground

I think you are all right - I need to step back further & stop trying.

My ex was very manipulative, UD, and still is in ways. He never laid a finger on me, but I suffered a lot emotionally because of him.
My mum said they would find it easier if he had had an affair or physically hurt me because then they could hate him. They just don't get the whole emotional damage.

He has got issues from his own upbringing. Mum keeps reminding me of this, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I hate to say but I guessed this would be you.

I think its obvious that your father's anger is not caused byYOU but by unresolved issues regarding HIS relationship with HIS mother...the only person who can solve that is HIM

I guess if he really liked your ex you cannot really expect him to cut him out of his life completely but just stick to your guns if you go there and ex turns up give it a few minutes of pleasantries (for the children) then leave...make it CLEAR to them that is what you will do and even if you have arranged to have dinner with them STICK to it!!

I guess things have improved slightly with regard to your Mum so just dont let them manipulate you into behaving as though their behaviour is normal or acceptable...because it really isnt

Yes - it would be easier for them to hate him if he had hit you because then he would be a bastard for picking on their little girl.

Why can't they see that emotional damage is just as bad. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years (although i didn't know it at the time) and it took ages to get over and build my self esteem back up.

Just to echo someone else again, does he know how close he is to losing his dd and dgc?

Wow. He sounds like he has issues. That's not your fault. He should be sympathising with you that your marriage has broken up, and his loyalty should be to YOU not your husband, no matter HOW much he likes your husband.

He should be glad you've found happiness again, but he's not.

I'm sorry to be blunt but it sounds like your dad has that misogynistic Madonna/Whore thing going on. He could neatly pigeon-hole you into Madonna box when you were happily married, but it now his little misogynist brain is confused.

He is being totally unreasonable.

you are just going to have to let him stew in is own juices, i can understand that he finds it hard to break ties with your EXH because he was part of the family for such a long time.....but you are his flesh and blood...your happiness should be paramount in his eyes.... i remember them not batting an eyelid when EXH had a "new friend"....what did your mother say "its what men do"

You need to do what is best for you PC, and if that means keeping a distance from your father for the time being then so be it....lets just hope he sees the error of hid ways before its too late......you'd think he was marlon brando in the godfather

pc, your exh and your father sound very similar

maybe that's why he wont accept it, and may your mum is only now coming round because she is living how you did, but for much longer?

regardless of that, you are allowed to be happy and live your life as you want to

take away his permission to affect you, and enjoy your new life

I think you have said that you Dad and ex were similar once before didnt you?

As for "thats what men do" is that what your Dad does?

i agree that his behaviour isn't to do with you really, it's his baggage.

but what he's effectively done is replace you with your ex which must hurt like hell. this is not normal or reasonable behaviour for a father. as a parent, wouldn't like to think that you will support your child in whatever decisions they make, and have trust in their judgement?

i think only you can decide to what lengths you want to cut him out. i think there are degrees depending on what you can cope with:

a) continue as is and accept his 'set-ups' on fathers' day etc. and lack of acceptance of new rel.
b) do as you suggest and leave every time ex is there
c) as above but refuse to countenance any talk of ex or references to your marriage.
d) continue to see him but insist that your dp comes too. ball is in his court, and if he says no then effectively HE is cutting you out of HIS life.
e) cut him out.

i don't know whether you need to cut your mum out too. is it possible to maintain a relationship with her but not him?

maybe you could give him some of his own advice and tell him if he doesnt sort out the skeletons in his closet regarding your grandmother then things will change permenantly between you and this is a warning

does he treat all the women in your family like this? and only trust men?

Your dad is wrong - you are his daughter, your ex is just some bloke. Unless you had done something really really bad to deserve it (which I'm sure you haven't) he should tell your ex that it's nothing personal, but out of loyalty to you he will have to put you first.

If I were in your shoes I would not cut ties with my dad but I would only see him rarely.

I do see him very rarely. A girl that lives a couple of doors from them commented on how she always sees ex H round at my parents house & never sees me round there. She said it is like he is their son & I'm the ex daughter in law!

Lou - ex H & my dad are very alike. My mum often comments on it, and she has told ex H that she feels dad sees a lot of himself in ex H.