Lots of you will know about my slightly odd family situation & be bored to tears of it, but want to know how outsiders would react if my dad was their dad.

[Pinkchampagne]

He threatened to have nothing more to do with me if I went ahead with my marriage separation, but 2 years on he hasn't washed his hands of me. However, he absolutely won't welcome my new boyfriend (we have been together 10 months now) into the family & doesn't even want to hear of his existense. He also has a very strong friendship with ex H, and ex H is always round my parents house doing jobs for them or going out for drinks with my dad.

I don't often visit my parents now, but I did go round last Sunday to give him his bits for Father's day, and ex H also went round with the boys.
I felt very uncomfortable. We get on ok - probably better than we did before we separated - but I don't want to be round my parents with my ex as it isn't right & feeds my dad's denial. I also feel it is so wrong that my DP isn't welcomed into the family, yet there I was round my parents with my ex husband!

Mum is coming round, and although she can't invite my DP round, she has started trying to talk to dad.
I had another big chat with her on Sunday & said how horrible it was that DP isn't welcomed by them, and how it must get to him a bit, especially knowing dad won't let go of my ex. She seemed to listen & said she would get through to dad in the end, but that he is just stubborn.

Spoke to her Monday, and she said that dad won't budge at all, saying he told me things would change if I went through with the separation & they have. He said we laid our cards on the table that day, and I warned her.
Mum said that my DP was a nice bloke & that we had now been together 10 months, and to this he said "My mother had so called nice men - this will probably be the first of a string of men!"

I haven't seen him since & right now, I don't feel I want to. I do love him & the thought of totally losing him is very upsetting. I know he loves me too, but he is pushing me away. I don't want to go round & see him because there is a good chance I will walk away upset.
I can't have him destroy my new relationship. My new DP is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

What would you do if you were me? Would you totally cut off ties?
The thought is so upsetting, but I just can't see anything changing.

Sorry to not be totally up to speed PC on your story... but really, can't you ask ExH to just butt out. He must be making things 100 times worse by being round at your Mum & Dads all the time. Why does he keep going round there... is it to get back at you? Doesn't he have his own family to do jobs for etc?!

TBH it is the ultimate betrayal of you by your parents... they have effectively sided with your ex in your separation /divorce but it should be you not him. They should be having nothing to do with him whatsoever if you say he has hurt you. I think you need to say to them... if you continue to see my exH, I cannot have a relationship with you because you are choosing him over me.

Apologies if I have some things wrong with your situation PC.

that's the problem then isnt it?

if he criticises your ex, he is in his mind, admitting his behaviour is wrong as well

so instead of doing something to rectify it, he just bonds closer to the ex, as it deludes himself about his own issues

i feel sorry for your mum as well as you pc, but at least you are in a healthy relationship now

Ex H said recently that his fear was that he would be pushed out by my family after we separated, but little did he know that it would be the opposite situation totally!

He has lots of issues too. His own dad took his life when ex H was 14, and I think he looks at my family as his own. He does have a very sweet mum though, and sees far less of her than he does my parents.

When I moved into this house & he was waiting for his to be built, his mum offered for him to stay with her, which he did for just a week before going to stay at my parents, where he stayed for around 2 months!

He appears to be dealing with my new relationship etc very well, and takes the boys so we can go away etc. He isn't hassling me or begging me back - he appears to be behaving pretty well as ex husbands go. It appears to good to be true knowing how controlling he was...but I think it could all be a plan to make him look even better in front of my parents. I get "Oh he is so good - you are so lucky" a lot from mum. It also makes them feel for him more. Ex H is quite clever in how he operates.

"too good to be true" even!

Well, it's not normal behaviour, but you know that already.
The only thing to do is to live your life in a way that makes you, your children and your dp happy. If your dad can see past his own issues and join in with that, great. If not, he's the one that will lose out. You can choose not to feel bad about it, though.

I have a mental image of your ex being very smug that he is "in" with your parents at your expense but what about when they get elderly, need help etc they are going to look to him to do it meanwhile you'll have a built a new relationship and have a future to look forward do - DILs & GC that you will have time for.

He's actually digging his own grave with them IMO but he can't see it!

I don't feel bad about it, I just feel upset & frustrated with it all.
I think it gets to my boyfriend sometimes too, although he has been very understanding of my strange family situation.

"I need to step back further & stop trying."

yes, I think that is a 'middle way' before cutting ties.

Cutting ties doesn't really seem a PinkChampagne thing to do - to do that you would have to deny the love you do feel for your dad (amidst your frustration and dismay), and it could be quite punitive, vengeful or tit-for-tattish - none of which I have ever known you to be (to your total credit - you have more cause than most).

I don't know how you make yourself immune to his behaviour - but perhaps dropping the ex[ectation might help. He won't ever show gratitude for the daughterly attention you show him, he won't ever out your feelings first in deciding who to invite (i.e exH). So, maybe before you set out, or are likely to speak, run through your mind the bad things he is bound to do. then, instead of the diappointment of dashed hopes, you can pack yourself on the back fr your foresight - and feel superior because you know more about your dad than he does about you.

It is sad because for all the men who feel that their dds have not treated them well, or not grown up as they hoped or been undaughterly - your dad does not know how very lucky he is to have such a great dd. 'It's his loss' isn't just a trite saying in this case - it's tragically, tragically true. He has such a lovely dd and he doesn't make the best of that.

If ex H was as understanding as he makes out, then he would pull back a little with my family, or at least have words with them.

The thought of totally losing my dad is unbearable, Blu. He is making it very difficult for me to have a good relationship with him atm though.

By the way, apologies for not getting to the post office with your DS's parcel, Blu. I haven't forgotten - I have it all ready, but have had hectic week of work & full time boys as ex H has been on long shift, so not had them much. Will hopefully get down tomorrow pm as it is my half day at work.
How is Boy Blu doing?

I don't think you're ever going to completely lose your Dad, if it were going to happen he would have done it already.

Just keep your distance, accept that this temporary situation is going to last quite some time but please don't let it cosume you and spoil your enjoyment of life.

I'm trying not to let it consume me, CG, and I can push it all away a lot of the time. Last weekend it got to me again because I was exposed to it all, and I saw no end to it, but when I keep away I am generally ok.

My DP is taking me to a nice hotel in Brugge on Saturday, so that should help take my mind off all this!

sounds like a nice trip

I guess birthdays & stuff like that, drop his cards etc around a day or 2 before or at least when your ex is at work so you know he cant be there.

PC, I havent really posted much on your threads. But, I really think you should step back. So, your dad warned you what would happen, now he is happily and smugly even, letting it happen. He thinks he is hard done by, by you splitting up. Why not just cut him lose for a set time, of say, 3 months. NO contact with him, only your mum. Will he miss you? Feel sad he is not a part of your life? Will he ask about you? I think you should move on from this situation. Your father does not have your best interest in mind. Dont let his behaviour come between you adn your new man. Step back for a few months. See what happens.

Yes could try that, CG.

Mum actually asked ex H how it might be if he got a girlfriend who didn't like him spending so much time with his ex in laws, and he said "It would be too bad. She wouldn't have to come round too!"

She also asked how he would feel if my new DP was invited round for a few hours Christmas time when he was there, and he said he wouldn't mind!!
Can't believe they asked him how he would feel! They obviously plan on him being round their house for Christmas, so best I make other plans this year!

I don't know that he would even notice, QES. We go ages between seeing each other as it is. Will keep a bit of a distence for now though.

So, you are hurting on a daily basis, and he wont even notice if you made yourself scarce? It is too bad he is chosing your ex H before you.

I would ensure to take the kids, and new man and go away for Christmas. Tell your mum well in advance as it seems they are making plans with your Ex H for Christmas and your new man is not welcome, neither of you will be there. So they can sit there, with their beard in the mailflap, like some old farts. While YOU with your immediate family enjoy a cosy Christmas.

Tempting, QES, but feel I shouldn't take the boys right away from their dad all over Christmas.

Why not? He is taking your father away from you? Why should't you take they away from their father?

You are too nice.

Sorry to hear this is still going on, PC.

I agree with anorak and others: you are his daughter and your ex is not family anymore. I have the same sort of situation as your dp though. Just makes you want to scream into dh's family's faces that I'm not going away, that the past is the past,...but since we're 8000 miles away I was able to preserve my dignity and just refuse 99,9% of contact.

It's great to hear how well it is going with your dp so stick with it and stand by him, it must be very hard for him, too.

Does your ex H have a new lady friend yet? That should keep him busy and get your parents to think twice about who they welcome in their home. Will also keep ex H busy and possibly tie him to a new family.

Why does your ex not stay closer to his own mother??? Are you sure he's not staying close to your family just to wind you up?

If I were you, I wouldn't go around to see your parents when your father is there. You can ask your Mum to come to your place and see dc. IME the more you pander to your father, the more hard nosed he'll be towards you. Instead of getting constantly trampled on and possibly risking your relationship with your lovely dp I'd cut your Dad out of your life for now. His issues aren't yours and until he starts behaving like the adult he is I see no reason why you should keep getting hurt and rejected. Maybe your total absence from his life will make him reconsider his actions. And if he doesn't take notice of you staying away he's just a silly old stubborn man and no loss for you.

Re Xmas: such a difficult time and exacerbated by your family situation. I'd book a week's holiday or 2 with or without your dc. I wouldn't give a second thought to your ex H.

Ex H doesn't have a proper girlfriend to my knowledge, but he does have someone he goes to for sex. Don't think he wants a proper steady girlfriend as it would stop my parents feeling as sorry for him. Mum keeps saying to him "I do wish you would find someone nice"