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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to handle DP stress?

42 replies

supersop60 · 16/04/2026 10:28

Today is my first official day of semi retirement. I work Monday Tuesday Wednesday only from now. DP is also off work today as his school term starts next week. It’s 10.30 am and he’s driving me mad already with his stress. This is not new, by the way, he is very much a hugger and puffer, very sweary at inanimate objects, constantly worrying about money, his health, the future of the planet, Donald Trump, people who park on grass verges, pigeons, lack of work etc etc
Because I am here, I am on the receiving end. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 16/04/2026 10:29

Go out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/04/2026 10:31

Remind him that life is short, tomorrow is promised to no one and he’s wasting his day off being miserable. He should step outside and listen to the bird song.

Or go out. But you shouldn’t have to!

Arrivederla · 16/04/2026 10:31

Tell him to stop offloading onto you. This is only going to get worse! What will happen when he retires!??

Gizlotsmum · 16/04/2026 10:34

Can you respond with solutions? Acknowledge his point then move on? Ignore (put in headphones) ?

mindutopia · 16/04/2026 11:17

I couldn’t live like this.

UpDownAllAround1 · 16/04/2026 11:21

Headphones

Original poster
supersop60 · 16/04/2026 13:26

I shouldn’t have to go out. There are things I need to do in the house.
We went out together and have just come home. After a coffee and a bun at the garden centre he relaxed a bit, but frankly I could do with some real strategies about what to say to stop the negativity and offloading. We don’t have the sort of relationship where I can say ‘oh stop moaning’. It’s also the constant repetition - I know he’s just thinking aloud, but dear God, I feel really stabby sometimes.

OP posts:
summitfever · 16/04/2026 13:31

He needs to find another way of processing things other than verbally venting them to you.

BridgetJonesV2 · 16/04/2026 13:40

When you say you don't have the kind of relationship where you can say what you're feeling - is that just on this subject or everything?

UpDownAllAround1 · 16/04/2026 13:43

What sort of a relationship do you have then where as his DP you can’t express your needs or feelings?

TheSandgroper · 16/04/2026 13:43

Dd and dh were getting on each others nerves in the car one day. Big time. I eventually snapped and said “I don’t want to hear another word unless it’s to discuss spring flowers”. They both said “but it’s not spring!” I said “I don’t care. Spring has been, it will come again and it will bring flowers. It’s all I want to hear from the both of you”. That shut them up.

So, my advice is to say “don’t talk to me unless it’s about spring flowers.”

outerspacepotato · 16/04/2026 13:53

Headphones.

If you can't tell him to stop dumping his stress on you but he's free to do said dumping, your relationship is inequitable. He's causing you stress by telling you all about his stress. You can't be open with him because why?

marriagecoach · 16/04/2026 14:53

It sounds like his stress spills out quite loudly, and because you’re there, it naturally lands on you more.
That can feel a lot, especially when you’ve just created more space in your week and probably wanted that space to feel calmer, not heavier.

Often when someone is like this, they’re not really looking for solutions, they’re just discharging what’s going on internally. But without realising it, it can start to shape the whole environment around them.

Instead of trying to manage or stop him, it might be more about gently anchoring yourself in how you want to feel in your space, and responding from there.

Something simple like, "I think I'm going to make a lovely cup of tea and have some biccies. Would you like one?"
( Replace this with something you would enjoy, if tea and biscuits isn't your thing ), the point is to try and think about what feels calm and easy to you, and invite him gently into that space instead of feeling like you're being dragged into his.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 16/04/2026 15:08

Sounds very annoying!

What does he have against pigeons?

outerspacepotato · 16/04/2026 15:29

Is he aways a buzzkill? Is he Donnie Downer trying to get your mood down to match his? Or are you just an ear for him to dump his negative bullshit into without a thought how it could affect you?

Tell him to knock it off. If he needs to vent, buy him a journal or send him to therapy.

The pigeon thing is weird. Does he hate squirrels too?

gamerchick · 16/04/2026 15:51

What's pigeons ever done to him?

Why can't you tell him to stop?

Get a tenner out of your purse, give it to him and say "this is a moan tax, it'll pay for 4 hours of no moaning*

UpDownAllAround1 · 16/04/2026 15:57

Deleted

thinkfast · 16/04/2026 16:05

You should be able to talk open and honestly with your DP OP. Why can’t you tell him that his constant moaning and negativity is putting you on edge and that you’d like him to stop?

MaxTalk · 16/04/2026 16:06

Some people can handle stress, others can't. I used to be poor but have "grown out of it" through experience.

It must be a nightmare being on the receiving end of it as having depressing people around you will bring you down too. And vice versa - you become who you associate with.

Are his concerns valid or is he a bit of a general moaner. You may need to tell him to pull himself together or you will be out to create a life of your own with people who bring you joy.

Original poster
supersop60 · 17/04/2026 00:19

marriagecoach · 16/04/2026 14:53

It sounds like his stress spills out quite loudly, and because you’re there, it naturally lands on you more.
That can feel a lot, especially when you’ve just created more space in your week and probably wanted that space to feel calmer, not heavier.

Often when someone is like this, they’re not really looking for solutions, they’re just discharging what’s going on internally. But without realising it, it can start to shape the whole environment around them.

Instead of trying to manage or stop him, it might be more about gently anchoring yourself in how you want to feel in your space, and responding from there.

Something simple like, "I think I'm going to make a lovely cup of tea and have some biccies. Would you like one?"
( Replace this with something you would enjoy, if tea and biscuits isn't your thing ), the point is to try and think about what feels calm and easy to you, and invite him gently into that space instead of feeling like you're being dragged into his.

This is it. Exactly. He is not asking me for solutions or reassurance or comfort, he’s just discharging his thoughts, which are often negative. Mostly I can deal with it and not get too bothered, but today is particularly bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
supersop60 · 17/04/2026 00:22

Pigeons he hates because they creep under our solar panels and shit everywhere. He would shoot them if he could get away with it. I’ve told him I’d report him myself if he ever did.

OP posts:
Original poster
supersop60 · 17/04/2026 00:32

And to those asking about my speaking up - I can express myself about anything, as long as I’m not criticising him, and he takes the most innocuous things to be criticism. Eg when I said the front lawn was getting mossy ( it’s in a lot of shade) he got defensive about not having the time or money to returf. That’s not what I said or asked.

OP posts:
PoppySaidYesIKnow · 17/04/2026 00:42

Sounds like a window into the future when you’re both retired. I’m going to work for as long as I can! Honestly though, you need to be able to talk about how his negativity makes you feel - it can be death by a thousand cuts otherwise and you deserve peace in your own home.

Noshadelamp · 17/04/2026 00:50

supersop60 · 17/04/2026 00:32

And to those asking about my speaking up - I can express myself about anything, as long as I’m not criticising him, and he takes the most innocuous things to be criticism. Eg when I said the front lawn was getting mossy ( it’s in a lot of shade) he got defensive about not having the time or money to returf. That’s not what I said or asked.

My DH is so so similar. I don't know if he's worse now or I am more objective and less tolerant now, but his constant anxiety and verbally processing said anxiety is extremely stressful to live with.

What happens when your dp gets defensive?

If he's anything like my DH, he sulks and ignores me for a bit which means he also doesn't talk to me for a bit.
Nice and quiet.

Seriously my strategy has been to push through the moods to protect myself. I also say things like " omg the way your brain thinks, it doesn't stop nagging you, does it!"
"Why you feeling so anxious today, do you want to go for a walk?"

Hopefully showing him empathy but also giving him words to understand what's happening,and that it is not normal and there's things he can do to help himself.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 17/04/2026 08:34

My H is a very anxious type and I realised about 10 years ago that he was loading everything on me to purge himself and also sometimes to make me take the actions needed to remove the anxiety-inducing thing. It was really draining, and it really made ME anxious.

I thought, "This is crazy. I've got my own shit to worry about but I keep MY worries in and handle them until it's necessary for him to know. He should be doing this too, not dumping everything on me and constantly souring the air with tension!"

I told him this and suggested a therapist to help him see things more realistically, help him understand that I'm not his support animal, and help him manage his own emotions so that they don't spill onto me. He went, stuck with it for 18 months. Things are better.

Maybe that's a possibility?