Husband denies contacting escorts and refuses to leave our shared home

[Sunshine189]

Hi, first time posting so bear with me and sorry, this is long.

I discovered at the end of November 2025 that my husband was looking up and phoning local escorts on nights out and nights away. I immediately kicked him out and he left for a few days. However as the kids were looking for him and it was coming up to Christmas I said he could come back until Christmas but I wanted him gone after that.

In the meantime, he told me he never met any escorts. He was only looking them up out of curiosity or for the thrill. I find this hard to believe because in two of the more recent occasions one was a night away where he looked them up near where he was staying, he phoned two who were providing services near where he was staying and I saw deleted text messages from one with an address near where he was staying.

A week after that, on a night out, he made 20 phone calls to 11 different escorts near where he was out. The last number he called a second time, she sent a text with a location, her rates and a postcode too for an ATM. She was a three minute walk from where he was. He text me an hour after his last call with her to say he was on his way home.

So I don’t believe it was curiosity or a thrill. I’ve gone back through phone records as far as I can and there are other calls on separate nights out nights away.

And if this isn’t bad enough his behaviour since isn’t great. After Christmas he refused to leave. He said he doesn’t want us to separate and bought me an eternity ring for Christmas and that we’d do marriage counselling. However he’s changed passcodes on his phones and carries them everywhere, he was annoyed I refused the ring because he was humiliated bringing it back and he’s put restrictions on counselling location / times making it actually really difficult to do. He’s demanded I don’t tell anybody because there would be no coming back for him if people knew he was phoning escorts. He’s said if I tell his family, it will make them unwell. Anytime I try ask him anything about it, he refuses saying we should only talk about when counsellor is present because it escalates. But then he’s made access to a counsellor difficult. He’s saying I’m the one abusing him putting him under so much stress with my constant questioning.

I told him the other day I’m done and asked him to leave to give me space but he refused again. We jointly own the house so he’s entitled to stay as much as I am. He’s started to help more in house and with children making himself look like perfect husband and dad but he’s trying to turn children against me. He told my eldest I hate him, he told her she could get a puppy if I agreed (we agreed no already before) and he also told her I wouldn’t let him drive his car on an occasion where I had said I needed it.

I’ve spoken with a solicitor but it sounds like it will be a long process. As he won’t leave I’ll have to continue leaving like this until we come to some sort of agreement.

It is exhausting and I’m worn out. He’s insisting he’s done nothing wrong. He’s also the type of person to twist the narrative to spin me in a bad light so I’m very nervous about how this will play out.

Any help or suggestions for me? Thanks if you managed to read this far.

I am sorry he’s turned out to be such a twat op. Of course he’s “done something wrong”. Would he be ok with you contacting loads of different men and arranging to go round and shag them for money?
You are quite right, he’s trying to spin the narrative, but, so what? His family won’t be unwell because you tell them he’s used escorts, they might be unwell because he HAS used escorts, there is a difference. And, if he was so worried about what people would think of him, he shouldn’t have done it. It’s absolutely NOT your job to protect his reputation, the disgusting pig.
The manipulation of the DC is also appalling. Is there some where you can go with the DC to get some breathing space and make a plan?

How awful, I’m so sorry OP. Seeing a solicitor is a step in the right direction. You need support so tell whoever you like, if that makes him look bad then that’s between him and his behaviour.

Tell his family. Tell your friends. He needs to see that you are 100% serious. Print off some information about local rentals and leave them lying and and when he says he’s not going anywhere, let him think YOU might be considering moving out. Tell the school what’s happening so they can keep an eye on your kids. Find counselling for your kids and print off information about parental alienation and give it to him after highlighting everything he’s done on the list. To to communicate via email or text message and grey rock him from now on. Don’t engage, don’t chill or clean for him AT ALL.

And start divorce proceedings!

Oh darling! This is truly horrible for you. He is disgusting. What upsets me more is to read how he’s twisting things with the kids. I know this is awful but you will get through it. I can sense you are strong and intelligent. You must tell his family so you can get some space away from him. It’s not your burden to carry. Eternity ring! How dare he.

You can do this.xx

@Sunshine189 I remember your thread.

I’d start divorce proceedings ,this man is horrible and a lier I wouldn’t let him near me ever again. He has no intention of sorting the mess out he has made or changing.
Id tell him if he doesn’t leave you will tell everyone about his behaviour ,what he has done and the way he treats you .
Sooner he gets his head around the marriage being over the better .

I’d tell everyone you can that you are separating and why. His family, yours, friends…everyone. I suspect it will break the spell he had on you and will stop him manipulating the narrative so successfully. I’d then separate within the same house and live your life as a single person with your children. File for divorce and ignore him (unless interaction needed for the divorce). To be honest given he is manipulating the children and you (and yes he is successfully manipulating you), I’d consider if it might be in your interest to move out with the children and leave him to it - it’s worth considering this if you intend to sell it anyway rather than live there but get legal advice first.

Agree, it's not your fault if his family becomes unwell because of his actions, that would be his fault.

I like this quote from Myley Cryus: "I didn't talk badly about you—I talked about what you did to me. If that makes you look bad, that's not my problem anymore".

Stay strong, he knows he's very badly in the wrong here. One thing I'm learning from all these mumsnet posts is that people cannot admit when they were in the wrong, so they twist things in their head to justify their actions.

He sounds really manipulative. How old are the children? If he won’t leave, are you able to?

Agree with this. Also like the song from Ella Langley which basically says if you’re going to be unfaithful “you better have thick skin or fake it like a real man”
and that’s where this oxygen thief is. If you’re going to be vile, people are going to call you out on it. Tough shit!

I agree with others, you have no support here because you’ve not disclosed what he’s doing. It won’t be plain sailing with his family because they might well leap to his defence but at least they will know why you won’t be with him anymore. He’s putting doubt into your mind over the “severity” of what he’s done but the phone calls are all the proof you need. None of this is your fault, it’s a horrible situation, but you also need to protect your children and he’s a terrible dad, setting a terrible example. Very best of luck.

Horrible situation and I feel for you. He’s following a well worn script and appears to be the type that will never accept any fault in himself and tries to control others.
I understand the need to gather ‘evidence’ but it’s enough that you don’t trust him. Of course he used escorts but he’ll never admit it so stop trying to win that one.
He needs to be told to stop trying to use the children to control you. The puppy thing is so manipulative and cruel. The next few months will be hard but move your focus to the practical side of things as you’re going to split and he is not going to make it easy. You need to sort paperwork, housing, finances now while he’s pretending to be decent.

This is a time to get practical. Can you have separate bedrooms within the same house? If so, move into a separate room and put a lock on the door. Put in a desk and keep your laptop and paperwork there. Use it as your safe space for recovering and planning the next steps.

Tell him unless he moves out and stops turning your kids against you that you will tell everyone what he's done.

“He’s demanded I don’t tell anybody because there would be no coming back for him if people knew he was phoning escorts”

Sorry, how does he get to “demand” anything? I’d tell him that if he doesn’t want you to shout it from the rooftops, he needs to leave and that you want and expect a divorce. As for trying to make you into the “bad cop” over a puppy for your DC - that really is low behaviour, and telling your eldest that you “hate” them is straightforward abuse. He needs to leave.

I would insist he sleeps in another room or on the sofa whilst he's at home. Also stop doing anything for him and live as separately as possible. He is the lowest of the low to promise your children a puppy in order to curry favour and vile to tell them you hate him. I would be starting divorce proceedings immediately and tell friends and family the reason why.

Regardless of what your husband thinks your marriage is over. He needs to start taking that in.

You don’t have to explain or even give a reason to anyone you just say you are very unhappy about how you have been treated and you want a divorce.

start filing for a divorce, the sooner that is done the better for you so you can move on.

do you have your own bedroom? Make that your little sanctuary if you can. Even if you have to take a box room and make the kids share they will be fine. Put some nice bits in there for you like a pretty duvet and something cheerful. Somewhere away from him whilst you still have to share a house. And start making hopeful plans for your future, where you will live what colour you might like to decorate. Just to take your mind elsewhere.

Surely the easy option is to tell everyone you know. He said himself he couldn't stay in the marriage after that, hold him to it.

Re the puppy, I’d be tempted to play him at his own game. Tell the kids Daddy will be moving out to his own place soon and as soon as he does, he can buy them the puppy that they want and you think it would be a great idea if he did.

Thanks everyone. He’s been sleeping on the sofa since he came back. When he said there would be no coming back he meant for him generally as everyone else “would also jump to the wrong conclusion” too!!

His parents are elderly and he says if they know anything it will put them in an early grave. I know it’s emotional manipulation to get me not to say anything.

I’ve never felt more alone and scared in my life. I fluctuate from grief to anger several times a day.

I have family that would take me and the children in but solicitor has advised I try stick it out in the house not to disrupt the children’s routine. My solicitor thinks I should apply for a protection order while initiating proceedings but I’m not sure I want to go down that route.

really appreciate all the feedback.

Tell your friends what he did, so that he can see you are serious when you say that unless he moves out immediately you will tell his parents.

Strange advice from the solicitor re routine. Kids are resilient. I would be going to family for now

I would go to family, tell everyone why you've left and let him deal with the fall out from his family. His shame is not your burden. He's not shown you any respect up until now so it's not going to miraculously appear out of thin air. He doesn't get to control this situation, you do. Leave, then go to a solicitor and say you want to reside in the marital home until it's sold for the children.

I agree silence only protects him in this case. He moans about it you say well I tried to talk to you and you wouldn’t let me

Do what the solicitor advises in your case. But first get a full STI check including bloods.