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Original poster

Can you be with someone you don’t trust?

41 replies

CardboardBoxesLily · 15/04/2026 21:11

I love him, I want to be with him, but I don’t trust him entirely. Together 8 years, no kids.

Not in the big ways where I believe he’s cheating on me, but ‘small’ things, like pretends he doesn’t use social media when I know he does secretly; acts like he would never look at another woman when I know he’s the type to look someone up online and browse their profile after meeting them but pretend he doesn’t.

He has lots of good qualities, but knowing he is a secret liar about small things puts a blocker on my love. And no, I don’t think it’s a case of ‘well if he lies about the little things…’.

I don’t know what to do. When confronted about lies he either denies or closes up. I don’t want to lose an otherwise good relationship over petty, inconsequential lies, but it is difficult to love someone wholly when there is a lack of trust.

I’m looking for advice so please don’t jump to LTB.

OP posts:
Original poster
CardboardBoxesLily · 15/04/2026 21:14

Does anybody else have a partner who lies about their social media use?

OP posts:
EarthSight · 15/04/2026 21:14

when I know he’s the type to look someone up online and browse their profile after meeting them but pretend he doesn’t

This is grim OP. A woman should be able to trust that the man she's with won't look up and perve on every attractive woman he meets, but it sounds like you can't do that.

Classiclines · 15/04/2026 21:27

If he lies about the small things he will lie about anything. That's what liars do.

Given the things you KNOW he lies about how can you possibly be sure he won't, or hasn't, cheated on you.

You don't trust him for a very good reason.

Either you accept what he is like or you end the relationship because that's who he is.

Personally I don't see how you can possibly have a happy relationship with someone who you know is not trustworthy

TheIceBear · 15/04/2026 21:38

Once you have caught someone out on a lie like that it’s difficult to rebuild trust . Why is he lying about being on social media ? What is the point ? What does he say when you raise this with him ? And furthermore how do you know what he is browsing online my dh has no clue what I look at online and I don’t know what he looks at online either

popcorn215 · 15/04/2026 21:41

Why doesn’t he just have social media? Surely if he’s going on it, he wants it? That’s an odd thing to lie about.

I do believe some people are just liars and find it easy to lie.

Neveranynamesleft · 15/04/2026 21:44

No i could not be with someone who lies to me and I could not trust.
Maybe you should practice saying that until you realise its true.

UnluckyLeprechaun · 15/04/2026 22:27

Trust is one of the keystones, if not THE foundation, of any serious relationship.

How can you partner up with someone that you don't trust?

I certainly couldn't.

He sounds quite sleazy.

Check out my thread about dumping my ex who was addicted to social media, Instagram mainly, for masturbation and basically we stopped having sex altogether, although even early on in the "relationship" it was never exactly full on passion from him to me. He lied for ages about what he was up to and the extent of it. I tried to help and understand but he broke my trust, he broke what we had, whatever "that" was.

Rarely do we find out who someone is immediately, I mean character. That takes times.

Only you can decide whether you can tolerate him doing this and how negatively it impacts what you have.

Original poster
CardboardBoxesLily · 15/04/2026 22:28

I don’t want to separate because I’m 38 and want a baby and that is my priority over trust. So I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
UnluckyLeprechaun · 15/04/2026 22:29

Oh and PS... my ex also said he had social media but didn't really use it.

Turns out he only used it to follow women for his own pleasure, not for what most people use it for.

ExperiencedTeacher · 15/04/2026 22:30

Have you given him reason to think he needs to lie about these things, OP? Have you expressed negative opinions about social media or his use of it? Or made comments when he has (neutrally) looked someone up? I’m not saying this is the same but by DP was not “allowed” social media by his ex wife because she didn’t trust him on it, despite the fact he’d never given her reason not to trust him.

UnluckyLeprechaun · 15/04/2026 22:31

CardboardBoxesLily · 15/04/2026 22:28

I don’t want to separate because I’m 38 and want a baby and that is my priority over trust. So I don’t know what to do.

It depends what he's doing OP.

Is your sex life suffering because of it? Is he just being nosey about someone's life? Does he also look up men?

Men will look at other women, period. It's just a case of when, how, what is the intention, how does he treat you? Is he kind, loving, attentive, helpful, patient? Is your sex life good?

If everything is good, just keep an eye on it all.

Missj25 · 15/04/2026 22:39

Classiclines · 15/04/2026 21:27

If he lies about the small things he will lie about anything. That's what liars do.

Given the things you KNOW he lies about how can you possibly be sure he won't, or hasn't, cheated on you.

You don't trust him for a very good reason.

Either you accept what he is like or you end the relationship because that's who he is.

Personally I don't see how you can possibly have a happy relationship with someone who you know is not trustworthy

Exactly this .
I couldn’t respect someone who lies, & i would never be someone that I don’t respect.

raisinglittlepeople12 · 15/04/2026 22:43

You can, but what’s the point? Your partnership meds to carry you through the highs and lowest moments of your life. If you got sick at 60, would you trust him to stand by you?

Endofyear · 15/04/2026 22:47

Being 38 and wanting a baby isn't a good reason to stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust. If you stay with him, you'll have a lifetime of checking up on him and having confrontations where he lies and gets better at covering his tracks. Presumably you're already snooping on his phone/computer? Is that really how you want to live?

caringcarer · 15/04/2026 23:04

I couldn't live with someone we ho lied to my face on a daily basis. I am only happy if I have completed trust in my DH. I'd certainly never have DC with someone I didn't love, trust and respect.

UnluckyLeprechaun · 15/04/2026 23:08

Having children with someone you don't feel you can trust 1000% is a recipe for disaster.

FaceIt · 15/04/2026 23:15

Personally I can’t stand liars. In the end you don’t believe a single word they say.

moderate · 16/04/2026 00:22

You’re considering having a baby with a proven liar who digs in when caught in a lie.

Do not do this. You will regret it.

Heraldry · 16/04/2026 00:34

Having a child is incredibly stressful, I really would strongly advise you not to with a man that lies…those moments where you don’t trust him - what about if they were about the welfare of your child???
Nowadays there are alternatives to crap men. If I could redo my life and be fertile these days I would definitely choose my children not having crap fathers that let them down, and simply use a sperm donor aged 40.

Original poster
CardboardBoxesLily · 16/04/2026 12:11

UnluckyLeprechaun · 15/04/2026 22:31

It depends what he's doing OP.

Is your sex life suffering because of it? Is he just being nosey about someone's life? Does he also look up men?

Men will look at other women, period. It's just a case of when, how, what is the intention, how does he treat you? Is he kind, loving, attentive, helpful, patient? Is your sex life good?

If everything is good, just keep an eye on it all.

Show quote history

@ExperiencedTeacherNo, our sex life isn’t suffering because of it and we have an otherwise good relationship, it just makes me like and respect him less for being a liar so I feel pushed away instead of being able to love him lots.

He is very kind, loving, attentive etc. But I just judge the fact he is a bit of a liar and because it is just this one topic that bothers me (social media) I don’t know whether to just look past in the hopes we can stay enough in love to have a child and accept the fact that I’m with someone who is a liar.

OP posts:
Original poster
CardboardBoxesLily · 16/04/2026 12:13

raisinglittlepeople12 · 15/04/2026 22:43

You can, but what’s the point? Your partnership meds to carry you through the highs and lowest moments of your life. If you got sick at 60, would you trust him to stand by you?

@raisinglittlepeople12I would yes, he’s a great partner this aside, which is why I don’t know whether to accept it as something that bothers me, or leave. If I leave, I risk the chance of never having a baby and that upsets me more than a lying partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
CardboardBoxesLily · 16/04/2026 12:16

Endofyear · 15/04/2026 22:47

Being 38 and wanting a baby isn't a good reason to stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust. If you stay with him, you'll have a lifetime of checking up on him and having confrontations where he lies and gets better at covering his tracks. Presumably you're already snooping on his phone/computer? Is that really how you want to live?

@EndofyearIt’s not how I want to live. I think my logic is I won’t spend my life snooping on him etc, I’ll resign myself to the fact that he is in the habit of telling pointless lies and accept that’s who he is, but at least I’ll hopefully have the baby I am desperate for. If I leave - no baby.

OP posts:
hzbhdbsj · 16/04/2026 12:19

You definitely will spend the rest of your life snooping on him you can bet ur life on it

Original poster
CardboardBoxesLily · 16/04/2026 12:20

Heraldry · 16/04/2026 00:34

Having a child is incredibly stressful, I really would strongly advise you not to with a man that lies…those moments where you don’t trust him - what about if they were about the welfare of your child???
Nowadays there are alternatives to crap men. If I could redo my life and be fertile these days I would definitely choose my children not having crap fathers that let them down, and simply use a sperm donor aged 40.

@HeraldryWe’ve already been through several rounds of unsuccessful IVF. I wouldn’t be able to afford the costs of fertility treatment alone. I’m really afraid of ending up childless, because a child is what I want more than anything, and the ‘lying man’ seems like my best option to achieve that.
I know it’s a crap situation.

OP posts:
JustForGoss · 16/04/2026 12:22

OMG do not have a baby with this man. Do not have a relationships with him. What kind of father are you choosing your future DC to have?

When you have a baby with someone you tie yourself to them for life. What if his small lies spiral into big financial lies?

Consider a more difficult future: he loses his job / you lose your job / your child has a severe disability / special needs / care requirements ....

Having a child to care for for the rest of your life is SUCH a big deal (I think hormones hide that from us for a while so we go ahead and procreate) ... please reduce the risks around this situation by either doing it without him or by putting it off for another two years and finding someone better to have a baby with.