Can you be with someone you don’t trust?

[CardboardBoxesLily]

I love him, I want to be with him, but I don’t trust him entirely. Together 8 years, no kids.

Not in the big ways where I believe he’s cheating on me, but ‘small’ things, like pretends he doesn’t use social media when I know he does secretly; acts like he would never look at another woman when I know he’s the type to look someone up online and browse their profile after meeting them but pretend he doesn’t.

He has lots of good qualities, but knowing he is a secret liar about small things puts a blocker on my love. And no, I don’t think it’s a case of ‘well if he lies about the little things…’.

I don’t know what to do. When confronted about lies he either denies or closes up. I don’t want to lose an otherwise good relationship over petty, inconsequential lies, but it is difficult to love someone wholly when there is a lack of trust.

I’m looking for advice so please don’t jump to LTB.

I think unless you can get to the bottom of why he’s lying about social media/looking at women you’ll drive yourself mad. Trying to deny that feeling that he’s not being straight with you will ultimately leave you second guessing yourself all the time.

As a parent not knowing that you’re on the same page, that you can bring issues openly and have him meet you with honesty, vulnerability and a willingness to meet in the middle is utterly miserable. You may get the child you want, but be raising it alone, tied to someone who you know will lie to you without a second thought. You don’t deserve that, and neither does any child.

I guess if you don’t want to end the relationship you accept that he lies and try to squash your feelings about it. At least whilst you are TTC. If you don’t conceive eg within a year / before funds run out then at that point you reconsider the relationship.

Any lie is broken trust.
Broken trust cannot be fixed, no matter what anyone says or does. It cannot. Some people can bury it and switch off and carry on.

I am.not one of people. Honesty, trust, loyalty are all together, and are the foundations of a decent loving relationship or friendship, alongside respect.

I cannot fathom why anyone with those morals would want to lumber themselves with someone who does not have those morals.

Oh my good god 🤦‍♀️

You'd be better off finding a donor and going it alone.

Dont bring a child into this relationship. Poor baby

why is he claiming not to use social media but then does secretly? Has he always done this or is it a new thing?

I mean I guess the answer is yes. Plenty of people are in relationships with people they don’t trust. People seek out all sorts of different types of dynamics in relationships.

In this instance I would try and have an open and honest conversation about SM use.

This wil be mental torture for you forever if you stay with him.

He lies about little things. He will lie about big things too.

Do you ever confront him?

You can choose your bf but your baby can’t choose its dad, it relies on you for that. So what you’re saying is here, innocent, sweet, unborn child…have a known bare faced liar as your responsible adult. If you want to be a good mum, this isn’t a good way to go about it, in fact it’s negligent before you even begin.

Would you have a friend you wouldn’t trust?

If the answer is no, why would you accept that as a trait you would tolerate in a romantic partner? What is causing men to be held to a lower standard?

Look, you don't want a LTB, but what else is the alternative?

It's black and white. You live with the lies, or you don't.

If you ignore these warning signals then you will regret it later. You will.

Are you overly protective because of your past that he thinks it wise to 'hide' things?
acts like he would never look at another woman when I know he’s the type to look - Do you actually have proof of this? Or is this what you believe?
Is the fact that you've been through IVF so many times, that you are worried he might leave you, so you are trying to push him away to see how he reacts?

Sorry to hear about the failed IVF attempts. I appreciate that you are in a very tough place.

I agree with this comment, it was similar to what I had started posting before I read it.

OP as far as I’m concerned relationships should be based on trust, if DH had ever done anything to make me question that trust it would have been game over and he knew that. We both sang from the same hymn sheet so to speak. How can you consider bringing a little human into this world without trusting the other parent? That’s a disaster waiting to happen.

This will NEVER end well, for all the reasons stated by PPs.

Do not have a child with this man.

If you are absolutely, totally, 100% sure that your life will not be complete without a child, use a donor.

Alternatively get a cat or a dog or whatever…… but do not stay with this man.

Sunk cost fallacy. You’ve wasted 8 years with this man, so will now waste another 2.

I wouldn’t want a relationship with a man who policed my social media use. I look people up on social media all the time. Doesn’t mean I want to shag them.

Currently, you are with a man you don’t like, for the sole reason that you want a baby. You’re basically using him as a sperm donor while obsessing over what he looks at on Facebook. That is beyond unhealthy.