Found evidence of my husband cheating after our anniversary

[Seawaterlovely]

Suspected husband of cheating strongly last couple of weeks. It was our 20th wedding anniversary Sunday. Today digging on his phone I find a fucktonne of him videoing and photos of him at it with her. Goes back to 2022!

Angry and devastated. So much I apologise for my short post. Can barely type......

Hot beverage and a sit down, must be a shock.

Decide what you want to do and I'm sure everyone will be along to help.

Aww I’m here if you need to rant at all. I’ve been through being cheated on it’s the worse. But don’t for one minute think it’s anything about you it shows more about him. Have you confronted him about it?

Not yet. As a family we all got new phones January. So I looked on his old phone, guessed the pin.

Save your evidence, take some time.

Protect your assets - it will get nasty & whatever he says he will not want to give you an equal share.

It's all about you looking after you.
Have you got a friend to support you?

Nothing you have done made him made his decision to cheat - whatever he might say in the future.

To me and the world he has been lovely, genuine. Good job ( education). Have a teen son with SEN. So I only have a tiny job as I get carers allowance. When he started these shenanigans we were fighting with the LA to get him into a special school. I was a homeschooler.

What evidence, while he is at work. I don't have any friends, homeschooling was very isolating. Although my work is a very supportive and positive place. I have taken physical photos with my phone so deleting on his will make no difference to that.

I’m so sorry. You need evidence of all the finances. Bank accounts, investments, pensions, anything else of value.

You will be in shock. There’s no pressure to make any long term decisions right now. Give yourself some time and space to let this terrible news sink in, and deal with the anger when it comes. Have you got a trusted friend of relative you can call?

Tried to login on his teacher pension. It verifies....via pass code to his new phone.

Step away from the phone. He's a teacher, his pension isn't going to disappear.

I would suggest giving yourself some breathing space. You've had an awful shock. Please phone someone you love and trust - I know you won't have lots to choose from (no-one does!) but choose one and reach out to them.

Well I know from reading other posts over the years, I will NOT leave the house. It's a joint mortgage.

I’m so sorry op. Been there, it sucks. Reflect for a moment, let it sink in, have a think about what you want to do. When it happened to me, I got a lawyer and divorced his cheating arse, wasn’t easy or fun, but I’m much happier now.

So sorry @Seawaterlovely what a shock that must have been for you. I hope you can find lots of support and strength from the people on this thread.

Apart from evidence of the affair and all of his finances and savings, make sure you keep all your (and your child’s) important documents safe, passports, birth certificates etc. Don’t underestimate how much even the ‘nicest’ person can change when being exposed of evidence of their own affair. Try and limit the damage he can do if he decides to fight dirty when it comes to assets and childcare.

All I want is a secure ( preferably not a rental) home for me, autistic son and my cat. Enough income to live. Have checked benefits calculator, will be tight, but doable.

I am so sorry this has happened.

Well done OP - knowledge is power and will be your strength as you deal with this awful shock.

The bastard - the absolute bastard!

I hate it when men take advantage of the caring responsibilities that women have / take on to make time for themselves and cheat and betray. How dare he!?

Get yourself legal advice before you confront him.

Have copies of all bank accounts and financial info you might need.

So sorry to hear this has happened to you. Stay strong. You’re thinking in all the right directions already. Take your time to get your ducks in a row. Get all the important stuff copied and/or safe before you make your approach.

It you’re unfamiliar with ‘the script’ I’d have a little look now so you can educate yourself on the psychology behind his inevitable reactions. It may help keep you detached (so you can focus on the practical things you need to do) and getting sucked into his emotions, and potentially feeling sorry for him and finding yourself making excuses for him. I’m sure you’ve heard of it, if you haven’t, it’s the typical way men react when caught having affairs. He will swing from everything like how it wasn’t his fault, it’s not what it looks like, to saying it’s all YOUR fault, he felt neglected (he may use his disabled child as an excuse as you were busy homeschooling and fighting for his education rights). Anything but admit he’s just a cheating piece of shit

Thanks everyone. Had a good cry, cup of tea. No more tears as need appearance of no red, blotchy face ( I don't look pretty when I cry lol). Wish it was his own balls on his dinner plate later rather than beef ones later😂

Am I right in thinking I make an initial appointment with solicitor is free???

It depends on the solicitor. Have a shop round or google recommendations and check reviews. A lot of them do a half an hour free consultation, I’ve had a few myself for various things.

I'm so sorry, OP, this has been such a shocking betrayal for you. Do take some time for it to sink in before taking any action, and consider counselling, it can be so beneficial at a time like this.

I would strongly advise NOT telling him that you know until you have, as MN always says, got your ducks in a row.

The starting point in divorce following a long term marriage (which yours is) is to split all assets (house equity, savings/investments, pensions, and of course debts) 50:50, and no spousal maintenance.
Child maintenance is usually payable to the main carer until the child is 18, or through f/t education.

However, in cases where one partner (usually the wife) isn't able to work full-time and/or DC need long-term care, there can be a different % split, and spousal maintenance (as well as life long child maintenance) can be awarded.

You need a good lawyer to present your case in such a way to get the best outcome for you and your child.

As well as gathering all the financial info, you should also consider any medical info re your son, and what if any long term care he might need from you. For example, would he ever be able to live independently, or will he need to live with you long-term? Can you get a formal (medical?) assessment that would confirm that?

All of this will affect the financial settlement you agree as part of your divorce.

Be prepared for your H, this apparently 'lovely' man, to become someone completely different when his pension and share of the house is under threat.

Be prepared for him to say it's all his money because he earnt it while all you did was stay at home watching TV and going out with friends (which is what mine said, and many other husbands do too).

The Court will not take any notice of this, by the way, but it can be very hurtful to have one's contribution as a SAHM, especially to a SEN child, so casually dismissed.

To sum up:

• say nothing yet
• gather info
• get a good solicitor
• get some counselling

Good luck 💐💐💐

Glad to see you are still making a joke! Check out chumplady.com and her podcast Tell Me How You're Mighty. This is a wonderful resource for those who have been cheated on, and very funny. The motto is Leave a Cheater Gain a Life, and check out her articles on surviving rhe early days. She's an advocate for leaving, and that infidelity is abuse. Order her book on amazon; that will help you no end.

Good luck, and what a piece of s**t your husband is.

Ps this stage doesn't last forever and you will feel much better ... promise. But in the meantime you've had a huge shock so make sure you eat and get rest.

Even call the Samaritans if yoy need someone to talk to.