Found evidence of my husband cheating after our anniversary

[Seawaterlovely]

Suspected husband of cheating strongly last couple of weeks. It was our 20th wedding anniversary Sunday. Today digging on his phone I find a fucktonne of him videoing and photos of him at it with her. Goes back to 2022!

Angry and devastated. So much I apologise for my short post. Can barely type......

Looking up local solicitors now. What a day!!!!!

You are doing everything right OP! It's the most awful shock but you are doing the important admin-y things - finances, solicitors, cash flow etc. it's different when you come to confront him but at least you can choose when to do that - when you have some idea of future planning. He won't know what steps you have already taken. You are in control of this now...

What do you want him to do later OP? Do you want him in the house? Or do you want to kick him out to his parents / sibling / friend / hotel etc? (You can’t insist on this if he doesn’t want to go as he has equal rights over the marital home but faced with a fire breathing banshee thrusting a bin bag of his clothes at him he might prefer to leave)

Be on good terms and work it out amicably for both sides. Neither of us are shouting, firebreathing types. We never argue!

Well, you need to find your anger! He’s been shagging someone else for 3 years! Please do not treat him like the man he was but as the piece of shit he is. Don’t fall for his crocodile tears tonight, the tears will be for himself.

what lead you to suspect he was cheating in the first place?

If you can do this, it will be best for your child. Don’t be surprised if your anger comes out sometime. I had a very similar experience with my first husband. I didn’t want friends and family taking sides or worrying about spending time with him and his woman. It hurt but now we are still friends with everyone and with each other. We get along very well, and at our children’s weddings we have sat together…. In fact will seek each other out at family gatherings.. but I would never want to be more than friends with him.

This. Look for money and he can stay elsewhere for a few weeks can’t he?

No’ it’s not all you want!

You have a child with needs that have inhibited and may continue to inhibit or wholly prevent you working and building your own financial security. One day you will be a pensioner. You need a good share of savings, his pension etc and ongoing financial support.

Please get angry rather than sad, then cold and rational. Your first duty is to protect your son’s wellbeing and his and your financial future. Do not skimp on legal advice or take the first lawyer you find. Ask friends etc for recommendations of those who have experience in divorce where there are children with special needs. The first free appointment is often a myth. You get what you pay for.

If there are joint savings accounts you may wish to consider moving half elsewhere.

If you need time to get your head together can you invent a family emergency and go and stay with your family for a few days taking all docs etc you need with you.

All the very best.

Have you been having unprotected sex with him during this time? If yes the very first thing you do is get a STD check.

Then collect all financial information regarding house equity, cars, bikes, investments, savings and all pensions. Sometimes just knowing there is an account at Natwest or a pension with Standard Life is enough for a solicitor to work with.

Then book a solicitor's appointment to find out your rights. Ask what you are legally entitled to AND what you are likely to get. There is no point spending 30K to claw back a 20K difference just because you are legally entitled to it (best advice ever tbh).

Once you know approximately what you might get go on rightmove and play around with location, bedrooms etc to see what you can afford. Keep tweaking.

Then make your decision as to what you want to do. Only then do you let him know you know. Good luck OP, it must be so hard to find out like this

Really @Seawaterlovely consult a solicitor and please do not settle for the bare minimum.

You are in a state of shock right now and so so are not in a position to make life changing decisions.

I was coming back to say to get an STD test also.

Honestly you sound lovely and you don’t deserve this. Please do not let him walk all over you. Can you pack his bags and send him away for a few nights ( or indefinitely) so you can process this all?

Please be prepared to see a really nasty side of it. You’ve all ready seen it through the cheating and deceit but be prepared he may not fight “nice”.

Lots of well meaning posts about getting a solicitor/ducks in a row/finding your anger but breathe and take your time with it. It's a painful shock, the pain will get worse, but you don't have to do anything right now. Take your time, speak to someone if you need to, decide what you want to do. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, wishing you the best.

@Seawaterlovely please read this post, and think hard about what you need for you and your son.

💐

Look after yourself. Breathe, eat, sleep and please do get an STD check. Check out the surviving infidelity website. When I went through this a few years ago, I found it very helpful.

How did it go, OP?

How are you today?