I’ve cheated….

[laughingalltheay]

Fully ready to be flamed…so relationship with DH hasn’t been good for a year or so. He’s happy to plod along, sleep in separate rooms, don’t do anything together and dc are getting older now. Anyway was out with friends and met a male friend who was already out, we talk quite often but don’t really meet up. Ended up talking and went back to his and we had sex. The thing is I don’t regret it and really enjoyed it. This has made me realise there is more to life than being stuck in an unhappy relationship. I’ve told DH it’s not right at home and need a break but he doesn’t want to accept. He looks heartbroken. I need to be alone for a while but I can’t stop crying as I feel so guilty. I don’t think I can ever go back from this. I’ve never done anything like this before, never even had a thought of it.

Glad that he knows the truth about how you feel. Be prepared for him to ask you if there is/was someone else, abrupt endings like this are often precipitated by an affair or episode of cheating.
The reason he thought everything was ok is because to him nothing, including you, seemed any different. It’s not his fault that he thinks this if that’s how you showed up in the relationship. He can’t be expected to be able to see what you hid.
Often avoidant people act as if things are ok, which is lying by omission. Cheats know that their secrets depend on gaslighting their partner into believing everything is ok, or they get suspicious.
It’s not surprising that you were able to stomach cheating if you’re used to living inauthentically in a relationship.
I’m sorry your marriage has ended, once you are the other side of this I’d explore whether it not you think you are conflict avoidant and check that you’re being honest about your feelings in relationships, or you’ll carry this forward into your new ones.

Thank you, that’s really good advice

Agree with all PP... Just tell the man what you did and that will probably facilitate the divorce you say you want.

Did you say seperate or divorce? Be clear with him. He deserves that at least

What is mysandric about being careful? When faced with a divorce, many men act in despicable ways. "Not all men", but enough men to warrant being cautious. The justice system is not kind to women, so it makes sense to be careful.

I have sympathy for you. You need to make him understand its over.
I wouldn't tell him about the cheating actually as it sounds like he is a bit unreasonable and will use it to act aggressively or manipulate you. If he isn't accepting its over this could make it worse rather than better. Obviously its horrible to be cheated on but it sounds like hes in massive denial about everything anyway. Sleeping in separate rooms for ages, not doing anything together.
I do sympathise as I was in a situation like this and ended it and was made out to be a massive villain like id ruined such a happy relationship. We barely spoke any more or slept together yet he acted like nothing was wrong and wouldn't discuss it.
You do really need to end this finally. Can you move out?

Agree with this, though I wouldn't even call it a bad decision. Your marriage was already over. Its not your fault your 'H' couldn't read the room.

Honestly, this is only technically cheating. I wouldn't call it cheating at all. You weren't in any meaningful sense in any sort of relationship, let alone a marriage.

Get divorced and move on with your life.

You either have to reconcile yourself to enduring or repairing your marriage and not messing about like this again
Or
You have to face up to the challenges of ending your marriage with honesty , however painful.

There is no magic wand, no fairy godmother that will do the grown up work for you.

If you have been sleeping separately and leading separate lives not sure how this is a surprise to him. Maybe he thinks that's it now at the grand old age of 40 odd and he can opt out of the relationship? You both deserve better. You deserve an actual relationship and he deserves not to be cheated on. I agree no point telling him op. Just make the break. It doesn't sound like he is fighting for the relationship and actually changing.

Be frank and honest. Tell your h you have shagged someone else. That you want a divorce.

Could you not have dealt with this any better? I mean it’s not really very classy hopping into bed with some bloke who shows you a smidge of attention when you’re married.

I would give the same advice to anyone. The marriage was over. Dead. Op is not having an affair. This isn’t why they want a divorce. They had a one night stand that made them realise they had to get a divorce and make it official. There is no benefit to confessing something that actually is irrelevant to the problem. Just a lot more added hurt. For the husband and children.

Why would you do that? I would only say the Op should tell if there was going to be a relationship with the other guy. Or it would come to light in some way, as it is always better to come from them rather than someone else. Or if it was his/family friend. If none of that applies then keep it as painless as possible for the best chance of having an amicable relationship going forward for the kids sake.

I'd agree if it's a one off and you're divorcing anyway there's no need to add to his heartbreak. It wasn't the cause, like an affair, it was a reaction to the situation. Not condoning it at all.

I agree. Those urging OP to tell her H aren't thinking of her H at all.

OP is not leaving him for this other man. She had a one night stand, not an affair. She's realised the marriage is over as its miserable and dead in the water. This is the truth of why she is leaving and that is all she should, in my view, to tell him.

Nothing good will come of telling the H about the ONS, for the H, the kids or OP.

More selfish bullshit.
The reason why you don’t want to tell him is not for his benefit - it’s all for your own benefit.
At least be honest so he has a proper understanding.

A one night stand isn’t an affair, but unless you’re in a mutually consensual open relationship, then within a mutually agreed monogamous relationship, it’s still cheating.
Telling her husband or not that she had a one night stand is up to OP’s conscience. It may do more harm than good to OP’s husband, but if it ever comes out after the fact it will do way more harm than it ever would have done now.
I know a couple where the wife found out during the divorce that her stbx husband actually had a mistress he was planning to move in with. Her husband was deliberately concealing it and playing ‘woe is me I’m so depressed’ to get her sympathy and keep the divorce amicable. They are very wealthy. She found out she was being taken for a mug during the divorce, hated him and took him to the cleaners and ripped up the amicable mediation proceedings and took him to court. His adult children had been sad but sympathetic up to this point and have now disowned him. Whilst this obviously isn’t in the same league, the animosity level would still rise dramatically if he found out about the ons later. If she conceals it she’d better hope there’s no trail back to it.

This. Dressing it up as wanting to save her
husband additional heartache is laughable. Stand up and be counted for your actions op. You cheated on your husband and he deserves to know that.