I’ve cheated….

[laughingalltheay]

Fully ready to be flamed…so relationship with DH hasn’t been good for a year or so. He’s happy to plod along, sleep in separate rooms, don’t do anything together and dc are getting older now. Anyway was out with friends and met a male friend who was already out, we talk quite often but don’t really meet up. Ended up talking and went back to his and we had sex. The thing is I don’t regret it and really enjoyed it. This has made me realise there is more to life than being stuck in an unhappy relationship. I’ve told DH it’s not right at home and need a break but he doesn’t want to accept. He looks heartbroken. I need to be alone for a while but I can’t stop crying as I feel so guilty. I don’t think I can ever go back from this. I’ve never done anything like this before, never even had a thought of it.

Stop messing his around and treating him like shit. Why have you told him you want a break when you want a divorce? Why haven't you told him you cheated? You're just stringing him along and trying to look the good guy when you're really not.

Hideous.

You cheat, then ask for a break leaving him confused.

Tell the poor guy the truth, that you cheated on him, take responsibility for it, and then it will all be over. Don't fanny about letting him think that he is solely to blame for the split. That is cruel. I doubt very much he will look at you the same again when he finds out what you did.

Unhappy or not, there is no excuse for cheating.

You need to bite the bullet and tell your husband your marriage is over. By saying you ‘want a break, you are letting him spiral into hell and wonder what he’s done/ could do to do better and change your mind whilst you know it’s over, are feeling guilty about something you don’t regret (not sure how that works to be honest) and are keeping him in the dark about it.
He needs to know that his marriage is over, at present even if in name only, you are a partnership which is supposed to be equal. It is now unequal, and it is totally unfair that one of you knows it’s over and the other doesn’t.
The cheating is a separate, totally inexcusable and selfish issue, but a moot point compared to the fact that you’ve lied to him about it and are now lying about your real feelings and intentions.
Time for a frank and honest conversation so that he can plan for his future too. He deserves to know that rather than be left in a cruel and painful limbo, still trying to work out how to save what he doesn’t know is unsaveable.

Don't tell him. That will put you in a dangerous situation. And start the process of divorcing. The marriage is clearly over for you.

Honestky, it’s happened now. It’s a symptom of an unhappy relationship.

do be firm though. tell him that it is over. Start proceedings.

I don’t think that you need to tell him you slept with someone else, you aren't sharing a bed anymore.

you do need to be firm though.

go for it. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage and this is not the model that you want for your kids

@laughingalltheayhave you specifically told DH you’ve decided you want to divorce? Is there any chance he thinks you’re just having doubts? Is he under the impression he can fix your marriage?

the fairest thing to do is to be very, very clear. Don’t leave any room for doubt or negotiation.

its going to be tough, but you’ll look back with relief that you were honest and didn’t give him false hope.

Are you so scared of coming across as the “bad guy” in this situation, that you’d rather tell your DH that you need a break, rather than be honest and tell him that you have cheated and want a divorce.

I absolutely hate liars.

What you are doing is such a head fuck to your husband. Just be honest.

Why would it put her in a dangerous situation?
What a typical entitled comment.

I suspect because it could potentially effect any divorce settlement and or custody of the DC. Although this is rarely the case since no fault divorce was introduced in 2022.

my mum and dad divorced when I was young due to my mum having an (emotional) affair and for years afterwards my dad constantly brought it up with us to try and make her look bad -

Telling him the truth may not be the best move for the DC long term.

Morals aside, one night of fun is unlikely to characterise what dating as a divorced middle aged woman is likely to be like. Have you read the threads on here about online dating in your 40s and 50s?

Now I don’t think it makes sense to stay in a dead relationship forever just because that’s how you started out. But I’d be very cautious about riding off into those green looking pastures and expecting them to stay as fun as a drunken ONS. More than likely you will meet a lot of duds and probably mostly be alone, but with the potential at least to meet that one unicorn of a man who is actually wonderful but somehow still single in mid 40s to 50. That’s the reality for most single women at this life stage.

Cheating is one thing. Cheating and repeatedly hiding it is another thing altogether. You can’t stay with him now after what you have done . You aren’t a bad person , these things happen , you are human. But you need to be honest with him and leave

That's absolute nonsense. The only thing no fault divorce does is offer a quicker route when there isn't a reason. You don't seriously think that the partner at fault gets penalised financially or with reduced child contact? The fault, lack of, has zero bearing on the division of assets or children, never has.

I am usually all for telling the truth but unless you are going to have a serious relationship with the fling don't tell him.
Its pointless and hurtful.
Just state you want a divorce.
However if you are going to continue the relationship tell him.

What on earth do you mean?
OP has not suggested at all that her H is violent.

OP chose to cheat. Her H deserves to know.

She should have had the decency to end the marriage BEFORE jumping into bed with someone else.

Typical misandrist MN nonsense. Nothing the OP has written suggests her husband is violent or abusive.

It's crazy how the woman cheats but somehow a completely made-up narrative is invented where she doesn't have to say anything because the man will somehow hurt her.

I guess we're just going to ignore the part where she has actually already hurt him and their children (even if they don't know it yet).

"Honestly, it’s happened now. It’s a symptom of an unhappy relationship."

Yes, that's what people who are unable to take responsibility for their actions tell themselves.

People cheat for lots of reasons - because they're unhappy or selfish or entitled or constantly searching for more or insecure or narcissistic or need an ego boost or feel unloved etc etc. But every reason is because of them and no one else.

Of course an unhappy relationship could be a factor but ultimately it's correlation not causation. Even cheaters admit that many times they cheated because they wanted to and not because anything was wrong in their relationship.

It’s not just the cheating. This is a cruel and unfair way to end a marriage. If your marriage is over you owe it to your husband and children to end it kindly and with dignity. You’ve done it now though so you owe your husband honesty and you need to step right away from any other man while you wind down your lives together.

It’s unfortunate for your husband, but clearly the marriage is over. The sooner you divorce the sooner you can both get on with your lives. People cheat all the time. Of course it would have been better to split first, but what’s done is done. You can’t turn the clock back, but you will always be the villain in the split because of how you went about it. I would be prepared for a lot of criticism from family and friends.

I'm not sure what you're seeking here, tbh. You cheated on your husband and that is just despicable.

I have no opinion on whether you should tell him or not, but think you should consider divorce, since it seems like you have no remorse and only want validation.

Maybe you should have come here for advice before cheating. Not much we can do with this information, now.

No such thing. You don’t need grounds anymore.

OP, just rip off the band-aid, the quicker you do it, the better. My ex was devastated when I wanted a divorce (also after cheating) and wanted to try everything to stay together but it’s not what I wanted. Leaving was the best decision for everyone.

Please be honest with him OP. My ex did what you were doing and it was so much worse on me and our kids. He said he needed a break randomly blamed every other reason than giving me the truth. It was horribly confusing, then the trickle of events coming out.

People will go for you on here because you cheated. Honestly though, you’re not getting divorced because of this. It was the realisation you needed. Accept it is over. Tell your husband you want a divorce and go off separately and you can both find your happiness elsewhere.
Don’t hurt your husband unnecessarily unless there is any possibility of him finding out. Then you have to tell him.
He clearly knows the marriage isn’t working and you can’t beat a dead horse. Just move on as amicably as possible. .

Was the male friend and friend of both yours and your husband?

Think about this honestly, if the OP came back on and said they were in fact male and they were posting as a woman for sympathy, would you stand by what you've said?

I'm not going to agree nor disagree with your view but know full well men post on here as women to get the justification and sympathy for behaviour excused only when it's a woman who does it

Thanks for all replies. I’ve told him we need to separate/divorce, that I’ve been unhappy for a while etc I thought he would agree and accept but he is devastated said he never saw it coming, thought everything was fine 🤯
Im not going to tell him that I cheated as I don’t want to hurt him even more. The male
friend was a friend of mine and not his and I don’t want a relationship with him but we’ll remain friends.